SuMMER 2010 WINNERS

I will critique as I type. Words in brackets should be removed and I might substitute other words or lines.

FIRST PLACE

BLUE CRAYONS WRITE THE BEST by Mario Spinosa

This is a clever title and sentiment but I was disappointed when I got to the chorus and read the line "it's not where I belong". You need to make this soldier strong, proud and patriotic for the message to resonate with an audience. You also have too many "ands" in your song

VERSE 1

The card said (season's greetings)"how I miss you" and the picture was of them

Little Jimmy smiling with my wife (holding) next to him

On the bottom of the card was a note there just for me

It was printed in blue crayon (with) though the words were hard to read

CHORUS

It said, I love you, daddy, even though you're far away

I hope that you'll come home soon and (I wish) this time that you'll stay

I learned to write since you've been gone, mom is helping me with this

And I hope you like the color, blue crayons write the best

VERSE 2

This war has taken me away (and), I've been gone (for much) far too long

A soldier's life is what I chose, (but it's not where I belong) my commitment is still strong

My eyes began to fill with tears (and), a lump rose in my throat

As I read again the crayon words my little Jimmy wrote

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

I know he's growing up too fast, (and) I wish that I was there

(And the life I always dreamed of is not the life I'm living here)

So just stand tall and wait for me and say a little prayer

Then (so) I bought myself some crayons, (and) I knew which one to use

(And) I wrote a letter back to him in crayon colored blue

CHORUS

I said "I love you, Jimmy, even though I'm far away

I'll be coming home soon and this time (you know I'll) I'm gonna stay

You learned to write since I've been gone (and I thank your mom for this)and I am so impressed

And yes, I like the color...blue crayons write the best"

SECOND PLACE

NOW SON, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY by Melina Barnett

This is a sweet song that most people can identify with...but your verses are 7 lines long and most verses are 4, 6 or 8 lines. I think you need to shorten the verses.

VERSE 1

Need to share just how I feel

Put it in a song ...make it real

Want the tears to wash over me

With memories of how things used to be

Don't want to (listen to) hear what strangers say

It's still too soon

Please let me hide away

PRE CHORUS

Want to thank him for the time he gave me

The arms he offered when all else failed me

I'm angry and (feel) know it's all too late

Just feel like the dream is dead

(There are no rhymes in this pre-chorus)

CHORUS

Just feel like the dream is dead

Thoughts spinning round my head

Want to stop the world and walk away

Back to him and hear him say

Now Son,

Tomorrow is another day

VERSE 2

Need to (look at his picture) read the letters that he kept (picture didn't rhyme)

(And where he always slept) Touch the bed where he slept

His soft voice (like a song) rewinds in my head

(Need to smell his hair, touch his hand) I still can't believe that he is dead

(Laugh at life as we share our plans) Sit and talk by the old fireplace

Oh, (want) to be a kid again

Count the lines (round) on his face

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

If I can fill his shoes, I'd walk with pride

As my father stepped through life with God on his side

I need some space so let me be

(Because) When my father died

Something died in me

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

FLY FREE by Butch Schindel

Even though it's a sad song, it is well written and your meters match well. Verse 4 should be a bridge.

Good song!

HONORABLE MENTION

ZEKE by Ron Walthall

This is a very original song and well crafted. I think I would expand the chorus to several lines such as "Zeke is a preacher man and he'll tell you about God's plan"

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest Winners

SEMIFINALISTS

I Threw It Away by Matt Abell, Stroudsburg, PA

Music Carry Me by Donna Lisa, Westfield, NJ

Katrina by Mark Crisp, Arroyo Grande, CA

Whiskey Wins by Donna Scoggins, Dallas, Tx

WINNERS

First Place...I Threw It Away

I will critique as I type.

I THREW IT AWAY © Matt Abell

VERSE

I dragged the box out to the trash

And struggled with the weight

The memories, they didn't last

But took up so much space

So many silly souvenirs

I see them now and cry

I held onto them all these years

But can't remember why

CHORUS

I threw my heart away today

It lay there next to yesterday's

Sour milk and spoiled eggs (meat)

There was nothing left in it (to keep)

So I threw it away

VERSE

The figurine that fell and cracked

The broken vase you gave

I tried to glue the pieces back

But they never fit the same

(b etter verse)

The figurine that fell and broke

My favorite one from you

But like my heart it wouldn't mend

No matter how much glue

/"We faded like these photographs

Tarnished like this ring

The shine wore off, so did the laughs (love)

So impercepitibly (The heartache it would bring)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

You used to be so dear to me

But love is strange like that (But love can change so fast)

In time it changes everything (Sometimes it's really hard to see

And (When) treasure turns to trash

REPEAT CHORUS

Second Place...Music Carry Me

MUSIC CARRY ME © Donna Lisa

VERSE

(Remove words in brackets)

You gave me two children, (you) gave me your love

At least I thought you did

But you were (just) taking me for a (slow) ride

And keeping you motives (well) hid

You took my money and most of my pride

The kids begged "Daddy stay"

You took almost all that I had (But I've still got one thing left)

That you can't take away

CHORUS (chorus needs to be the same throughout the song. Your chorus is too long

Music carry me through

I'm a sad and broken old friend

Music carry me through

Help me get back on my feet again

You sang a ballad llike nobody else

Sang it soft and low

Add (When you were part of my musical show)

(Leave these next lines out)

Beautiful lady, I asked you to join me and sing in my musical show

I'd been traveling and singing for years

While you were fresh and new

You turned to me for advice and each night

I grew closer and closer to you

VERSE

I kn ow people laughed when we (first) said our vows

"He's much too old for her"

But nobody dared to say straight to my face (But no one said nary a word)

"Hey, she's after you money, (for sure) sir

(Besides) I don't pay mind to gossip (and talk), I do just what I feel( Shorten this line)

( Your love had just consummed me

And knocked me on my heels

But for you, it wasn't real)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

It's been years (months) since you left (me) for good

I heard you sing last night

(Sat in the first row and) Watched the audience whistled and cheer (with delight)

I caught your eye for a moment or two (You were doing everything right)

Your smile was flushed (perfect) and sweet

Then your head turned and you smiled the same way (But I've seen that look many times)

At a man sitting right next to me (It's just another repeat)

(Chock full of loving deceit)

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place...Katrina © Mark Crisp

Good imagery in this song but you had no rhyme pattern. You need to rhyme either the 1st & 3rd lines or the 2nd & 4th lines. Also make sure your meters match in each of the verses.

Since this is the 5th anniversary of that terrible storm, improve the song and put it on you tube.

Honorable Mention....Whiskey Wins © Donna Scoggins

NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

SPETEMBER 30, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

WINTER /SPRING 2010 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged (Winter was combined with Spring, because there were only a few entries for winter.)

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest

Currently in the judging process. Stay tuned.

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NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

JUNE 30, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

WINTER10 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged

Fall 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

WHEN LAMBS BECOME LIONS by John Thomas Lane
This is a unique song but it is a little too long. I understood that lambs represented children and lions were soldiers and I thought it was a good hook and powerful song. I will critique as I type the lyrics.

VERSE 1
From bunker hill to the cradle waters
Heroes we know as our sons and daughters
Stand up and answer the call
Knowing one day they may make that wall (most people won't get this line. Better to say "could fall")

PRE-CHORUS (I think)
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

CHORUS
Chasing ghosts across broken land
On rolling seas and desert sand
Across angry skies and fields of ice
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions pay freedom's highest price
Heaven's gates will open wide (leave this line out)
And a chorus of angels lead them inside (leave this line out ..."Lions pay" line is more powerful)

VERSE 2
(I would leave this entire verse out. It is too poetic and vague)
Whispers remind us loud and clear
Of missions so far and yet so near
And the dove in her silent flight
Hold the olive branch in sight
(I would replace it with something like this)
The thunder of weapons makes a haunting sound
Echos of swift and terrible power
Smoke and fire drift across the ground
The cost of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 3
(I would also leave this verse out. The meters don't match and it adds nothing to the song)
But every mama knows
Rockets will paint the night
And every mama cries
When a blood red sky steals the light

PRE-CHORUS
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
(I already changed and used part of this verse for verse 2 or write a different verse)
Smoke drifts across hallowed ground
Echos of swift and terrible power
That's the haunting sound
Of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 5
(I would leave this verse out. Let them keep fighting...not die)
In a gentle rain shower
A bugler plays taps
Flags are folded in laps
Guns are still at last

TAG
(This is good)
And eagles spread their wings
Bells of freedom ring
A grateful nation cries
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions are freedom's highest price

(I'm not sure you need more lines)
And we sleep free at night
The land of the free tonight
We are free tonight
We are free (a lot of "frees")

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions


SECOND PLACE

THE KNOCK by Charles David Risinger
(This is a cute country song)

VERSE 1
One of these days there'll be a knock on the door
When everybody wonders what went wrong
They're gonna find me and the (my) wife and kids
Have just (leave out just) left everything and gone

VERSE 2
The mailbox will be covered over with mail
And there'll be papers all over the drive
They're gonna think me and the family
Just disappeared or died

CHORUS
(The chorus is weak because it isn't realistic. Nobody goes without electricity or phones in today's day. Also, you need to use the song title somewhere in your chorus.)
We'll be living high on the hog
In a log cabin way up in the hills
Candles gonna light our home
Electric company won't be sending no more bills
There won't be no telephone
The only bell you'll hear
Will be around the neck of my milk cow, Bessie
Every time she's near
(My version)
We found a simpler life
Cut out all the frills
Built a log cabin
High in the hills
Bought some cows and chickens, too
Gonna eat the veggies that we grew
So don't come knocking on my door
'Cause we're not there anymore

VERSE 3
(You don't need this verse. They would have a clock)
We'll be livin' on a mountain top
Where shadows from the sun are the only clock
But it won't matter if it's day or night
On the river bank where the catfish bite

VERSE 4
( You have a different rhyme scheme in verse 3 & 4 than you do in verse 2 & 3. The rhyme scheme should be the same in all the verses)
Won't be any noise from the interstate
Just the subtle sound that a hoot owl makes
Won't be any rush hour stop and go
But we'll be walking bare footed down an old dirt road
(My version)
We don't miss the rushing of life's fast pace
Or the congested, noisy interstate
Sipping a cold one on our front porch
Listening for the sound a hoot owl makes

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

FROM A DISTANCE by Akin Akintola
This is a well written song with some very good lines. Don't know if the subject matter would be commercial but I'm sure many women could identify with this song. I do think you have too many verses..3 or 4 are enough plus a long chorus.