Winners of the 2013 Summer Lyric Contest

SEMIFINALISTS

Sizzlin" by Dana Young, Anthony, KS

Handle With Care by Mario Spinosi, Eynon, PA

Friends by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Time Is An Illusion by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Arms Stronger Than Mine by Rachael Hughes, Markville, MN

Lunchbox Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

There's A Pill for That by Sarah Ashley, Maryville, TN

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

HANDLE WITH CARE

J1) This is a clever title and a fairly well written song. I put in parenthesis the word or phrases I'd leave out and replace them with my words.  Also, I made the teenagers older.

J2) Sweet song, nicely done. Why does 3rd verse have only 4 lines instead of 6? Could it be stronger with two more good lines? Overall, a nice generatiol cycle of lessons passed down.

J3) Good impact, hook, originality and appeal; very good focus and form, excellent phrasing.

VERSE 1

She was barely (eighteen) nineteen with a child of her own

She was out in the world, now she's living back home

(She) Cries out to her mom, what chance does he have

How can he grow up without knowing his dad

How can he survive with  this burden to bare

Her mother just said, "handle with care"

CHORUS

Handle with care, just treat him right

He's yours to love for the rest of your life

Be  there for him, show him love is to share

And he'll turn out right if you handle with care

VERSE 2

She watched as he grew, she watched and she prayed

She did what she could to keep the promise she made

Now he's barely (eighteen) twenty and he just met a girl

He says to his mom, "she's all I want in this world

What can I do to keep her love always there"

All that she said was "handle with care"

CHORUS 2  usually the chorus is the same throughout the song

Handle with care, just treat her right

She's yours to love for the rest of your life

Be there for her, show her love is to share

And you'll keep her love, if you handle with care

VERSE 3  I would make this a bridge because you only have 4 lines and verse 1 and 2 have 6 lines.  You have to have the same number of lines in each verse or you could add 2 more lines

Now he's holding his son, like his mother once did

He says to his mom, "I'll be there for him

I'll teach him to love and I'll teach him to share

I'll do what you did, I'll handle with care"

CHORUS 3

I'll handle with care, I'll just treat him right

He's mine to love for the rest of my life

I'll be there for him and show him love is to share

I'll do what she did, I'll handle with care

Repeat last line for emphasis

SECOND PLACE

SIZZLIN'

J1) This is a cute song with lots of imagery but make sure your meters match

J2) Very fun, well structured, nice wordplay. Only minor suggestions to consider: Use sizzlin' instead of flaming in 1st line of chorus so you get a repeat of your title word to drive it home. Reading the lines makes it sound like a few extra syllables could be omitted for a stronger rhythm (e.g. omit country and ever from 3rd line of chorus and rhythm is stronger), but I know this ultimately depends on how it is sung as to how well it works. Nice job.

J3) Good impact, appeal and focus; very good hook and originality; excellent phrasing and form

VERSE 1

We're sitting on the bank, fishing at the creek

Our lines dangling in the water and so are our feet

The sun is shining bright on our favorite spot

When you turn to me and say "baby, I'm hot"

CHORUS

Yeah, you're flaming, smoking fiery red hot

Like steam rising up from a boiling pot

You're the sexiest thing this country boy has ever seen

Kicking your feet in that cool, cool stream

And when you kiss my lips, I can almost hear them hissin'

Cause sssss...baby you're sizzlin'

VERSE 2

(You hit me on the shoulder) You turn around and say "that's not what I mean"

Then you roll up your (pantlegs) jeans and wade out in the stream

Splashing water on your body, then you take off your top

You look at me and say "I'm really, really hot"

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE ...I would make this VERSE 3

Now I know what you mean, I know what you're saying

It's a warm, warm day, a good day for playing

So let's work up a sweat, then go skinny dipping

Cause you're so doggone hot, (it makes me) I feel like strippin'

REPEAT CHORUS

I would add a

TAG

Come on, baby, heat up my arms

Maybe we'll set off some fire alarms

Cause sssss...baby, you're sizzlin'

THIRD PLACE

ARMS STRONGER THAN MINE

J1) This is a good song with a lot of meaning but you need to work on the structure. For example, Verse 1, 2,3 and 4 all have a different number of lines.  Also, the meters need to match in all verses because the music would demand it.  It's a great idea and has good imagery but structurally it wouldn't adapt to music.

J2)  Hook is OK, but verses rambles, and say the same thing over and over rather than building emotion. Same words keep repeating (storm, torn, rain, burden), which should warn that same ideas keep repeating. Focus the story, and build it. 

HONORABLE MENTION

LUNCH BOX

J1)  This song has a lot of possibilities but it needs work.  No songs (except maybe hymns) have 7 verses so you need to shorten it.  The 1st verse is good and verse 4 is good. Unless a verse adds needed info to a song, it isn't needed.  Keep working on it!

 J2) Analogy of the rose is inconsistent. The rose dies in the first line, but love, which is LIKE the rose, does not die. ?? Song needs focus, consistency and clarity. See Bette Midler's "The Rose" for similar idea expressed more clearly.

 Semifinalist Comments

FRIENDS

J2)  Are friends permanent or temporary? This song implies both, lamenting how they may be temporary but advocating for permanence. But the way it shuttles back and forth between these two ideas is unsatisfying.

J3) Good impact, hook, originality and phrasing.

TIME IS AN ILLUSION  

J2) OK idea, but lacks focus and strong impact. Look at Pink Floyd "Time" lyrics for similar idea. Explore if there may be more emotionally deep examples you could express about HOW time is an illusion without just repeating the phrase.

J3)  Good impact, hook, originality and phrasing.

THERE'S A PILL FOR THAT

J2)  Really like this idea and how it is carried out. Just a few weak lines could be boosted, e.g.. "Feeling sad is a bore"(when the previous verse is about physical ailment, not feelings) and "Make the rough places plain" seems weaker than it shold be.

J3) Very good originality.

Winners of the Spring 2013 Lyric Contest

SEMIFINALIST

She's All Texas by Tom Ruffen, Burnaby, BC, Canada 

Cowboys And Redskins Are In Town by Mary Hughes, Springtown, TX 

Three Hearts And One Diamond by Dana Young, Anthony, KS

Flower Mound by John Thomas Lane, Monument, CO 

Silver Cadillac by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Two O'Clock In The Morning by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Force of Nature by John Walsh, Sydney, NSW, Australia 

Morning Star by John Thomas Lane, Monument, CO

Weep For The Innocent by Dana Young, Anthony, KS

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

Judge 1: This is a cleverly written song with lots of imagery

Judge 3:  I like the descriptions of an imaginary rip-roaringTexas woman.  Lots of word pictures and stereotypes about Texas and maybe a little overdone but entertaining.  Song is somewhat long but rhyme scheme and phrasing are good and overall appeal is good.

SHE'S ALL TEXAS

VERSE 1

In the lone star state I've found a girl

Sweetest thing there is in this here world

Bluebonnet eyes, sunflower hair

Curves like the Pedernales and twice as fair

Alone the Pecos or the Rio Grande

You got to know that I'm a happy man

From the panhandle to the piney woods

You can bet your saddle, my life is good

CHORUS

Oh she's all Texas, that lovely gal of mine

Houston, there's no problem, she loves me all the time

VERSE 2

She'll say "Howdy" and invite you in

Deep in her heart is where the west begins

She can set a table and rustle up grub

Every single thing she makes is made with love

Chicken fried steak with sausage gravy

Her crumblin' cornbread'll drive you crazy

Homegrown Texas, you know what I mean

She's got eighteen ways to fix a pinto bean

BRIDGE

Oh, she'll knock my boots when the mood is right

Thank my lucky stars she's with me every night

I got lassoed in El Paso and hitched in Sugar Land

Honeymooned in Dallas where we (blindfolded) danced to the band.  I didn't understand this line

REPEAT CHORUS

I would leave the next verse out because the song is too long

VERSE 3

Her daddy left her a rifle and Bowie knife

Colt forty-five and his way of life

She's planted cotton and drilled for oil

Earned an honest living from her daily toil

Seen dust devils and months without rain

Flashin' floods and Gulf hurricanes

In tornado alley, she hunkers down

Then helps her neighbors for miles around

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE4

She can shoe a horse, fix a pickup truck

Catch a catfish, dress a white tail buck

Wears a ten-gallon hat, raises Longhorn cattle

She hears fightin' words, there's gonna be a battle

"Cause she never forgets the old Alamoo

It's in her blood and she won't let it go

Don't mess with Texas, not my Botton Bowl Queen

Or her spurs'll kick your can down to Abilene

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

Judge 3: I like the feel and word pictures about a fine car and the allusions to a woman.  The rhyme scheme was good but the chorus should appear earlier in the song, after the second verse.  The rhyming of "automobile" and "feel" in the chorus is good but the cadence gets off with too many syllables in "like no other automobile" which could be changed to "a fine automobile".  Originality was good even though the song seems somewhat akin to "Pink Cadillac"  Overall it has good appeal and is a fun song.

Judge 2: Comments below.

 "SILVER CADILLAC" 

V-1 SHES A SILVER CADILLAC, THE STAR OF MY DREAMS 

A SLEEK CRUISE MISSLE, MY FLYING MACHINE 

SHE'S HELL ON WHEELS, THE FASTEST EVER SEEN 

AND BURNS UP THE ROAD, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 

V-2 SHES POETRY IN MOTION, SOFT ON THE INSIDE 

HER BODY DRAPED IN CHROME, GIVES A HEA-VEN-LY RIDE 

SHE SITS IN MY DRIVEWAY, JUST WAITING FOR ME 

AND COMES ALIVE, WHEN I TURN ON HER KEY 

(I suggest something like: My baby comes alive when I turn her key

  or My baby starts to purring when I turn key key - these might sing easier)

(I would put a chorus at this point)

V-3 SITTING IN MY CADILLAC, WE GLUIDE THROUGH THE NIGHT 

SHE SMOOTHS EVERY BUMP, MAKES EVERYTHING RIGHT 

NOTHING EVER LOOKED SO GOOD, OR TOOK ME SO FAR 

AS THAT SILVER CADILLAC, MY BEAUTIFUL CAR 

V-4 THERES NOTHING ELSE LIKE HER, MAKE NO MISTAKE 

SHE'S A SILVER CADILLAC, THE BIGEST ONE THEY MAKE 

LIFE'S A LONG ROAD, THAT I COULDN'T DRIVE MYSELF 

WHEN I'M IN THAT CADDY, I DON'T NEED NOBODY ELSE 

CHORUS: SHES A SILVER CADILLAC, LIKE NO OTHER AUTOMOBILE 

IF YOU TOOK HER FOR A RIDE, YOU'D KNOW HOW I FEEL 

WHEN I TAKE HER OUT TONIGHT, THERE'S NO TURNING BACK 

I'LL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE, WITH MY SILVER CADILLAC 

( I would slightly reword V-5 and make it a bridge with a musical change)

V -5 I ALWAYS DESIRED THAT CAR, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY 

I JUST HAD TO HAVE, HER, BEFORE THE DAY I DIE 

THERE'S NO FANCY LEXUS, OR BUICK THAT WILL DO 

IT HAS TO BE THAT CADILLAC, AND SHE'S GONNA BE YOU 

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE  - Three way tie

Judge 1: Comments below

COWBOYS AND REDSKINS ARE IN TOWN

I've changed some wording but I like the title and story

VERSE 1

She said "come here, got something for you

(Do you) feel like snuggling (cause I sure want to)

I said "not now, it'll have to wait (not today)

Cowboys and Redskins are 'bout to play"

CHORUS

I can't believe I turned her down

But the Cowboys and Redskins are in town

It's two minutes 'till kick off time (remove this line)

Done popped a tab, kicked back in my chair

In two minutes they're on the air

Any other time but not night now

Cowboys and Redskins are in town

VERSE 2

Oh Lord, how lucky can one guy be

She cooks and cleans, gladly waits on me

(The washes my truck then rubs my back

Says she's happy living in this old shack)  No woman would do or say that!

If I ask, she'll rub my back

She puts me first, that's a fact

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

I'd change this bridge from

Wonder if she planned the perfect time to get that game off my mind

I'd do anything in the world for her but today football's gonna come first

to

Lovins' always on my mind

But this is not the perfect time

REPEAT CHORUS

Judge 2: Comments below

"TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING" 

V-I IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING(I would not water down the hook by using it here

maybe something like: After another night of trying, I'M SITTING HERE ALL ALONE 

THE REST OF THE BAR IS EMPTY, EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE HOME 

IT MAKES ME FEEL SO LONELY, TO BE HERE BY MYSELF 

I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY ELSE 

V-2 I THOUGHT I MADE A FRIEND TONIGHT, SHE SEEMED SO NICE TO ME 

BUT SHE HAD TO GO AWAY, TO SOME PLACE SHE'D RATHER BE 

AND I SAW AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE 

BUT SHE COULDN'T STAY VERY LONG, SHE JUST LEFT ME WITH A SMILE 

CHORUS: IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, THERE'S A POUNDING INSIDE MY HEAD 

(might sing better as: It's two o'clock in the morning, there's a pounding in my head)

I DRANK TOO MUCH TONIGHT, IN THE MORNING I'LL FEEL LIKE I'M DEAD

(maybe: I drank too much tonight, in the morning I will regret)

I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME, AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS SORROW 

(I need some help with the sorrow, someone to help me forget)

THIS IS MY LAST TWO OCLOCK, I WONT BE BACK HERE TOMORROW

(maybe: It's two o'clock in the morning, There's a pounding in my head

this might help to reiterate the hook)

V-3 IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, ( again, let the hook stand in the chorus

maybe, I'm getting tired of living, IN THIS COLD, EMPTY TOWN 

THE PIMPS, DRUNKS AND COPS, ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE AROUND 

I SHOULD BE HOME BY NOW, BUT THERE'S NO ONE WAITING FOR ME 

I CAN'T WOK AT THOSE WALLS TONIGHT, AT LEAST OUT HERE I FEEL FREE 

V-4 I ONCE HAD A STEADY GIRLFRIEND, WE WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER

UNTIL SHE FOUND SOMEBODY  (someone might sing better)  ELSE, THAT I GUESS SHE THOUGHT WAS BETTER

THE COPS PULL ME OUT OF MY CAR, THEY KNOW ME AND GIVE ME A WARNING

I'M DRUNK AND ALONE AGAIN, IT'S TWO OCLOCK IN THE MORNING 

REPEAT CHORUS: 

Judge 3: I like the simplicity of the song and it's emotional impact about love and innocence lost but the need to keep trying to find it.  The beginning of the chorus could drop "We" and just start with "weep" so the title and hook would align.  The rhyme pattern was good though there was a bit of stretch in rhyming "horizon" and "trying" in the second verse.  Phrasing and cadence were good as well as originality and overall appeal.

WEEP FOR THE INNOCENT 

VI: I sit by the window and let my tears fall 

Wondering just how I'll get through it all 

I can't change the past, can't shake off the sorrow 

So I'll just pray for a better tomorrow. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 

May the moon and the sta~ light up their way 

We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 

May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

VII: I fall to my knees and shake my fists at the sky 

But there are no answers when I ask Him why 

I see faces of angels above the horizon 

So with each breaking dawn, I must keep on trying. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 

May the moon and the stars light up their way 

We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 

May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

BR: The wind has no force if its path is clear 

A lion's roar has no strength, if there's no one to hear 

Love has no meaning if it doesn't last 

Why hope for the future if its lost in the past. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 

May the moon and the stars light up their way 

We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 

May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

Honorable Mention  - Two way tie

Judge 2: Comments below.

Force of Nature 

She’s two kinds of trouble

A double threat - country bred, city cred (might find a better rhyme)

Born and raised on sunshine and Jesus

A hometown girl, with a downtown life

Moonshine shots and Bacardi breezers

She’s all woman but she’s no man’s wife

She’s a force of nature

She’s a force of nature

A category 5, certified widow maker

It was an act of God that made her

She can bend but you won’t break her

That girl’s a force of nature

She’ll lay you bare like a Texas twister

Beware ( of ) that southern sister

She’ll light you up like a flash grenade

One night together you’ll never forget her

You’ll think your soul’s been saved

One more guy she’ll never remember

She’s a force of nature

She’s a force of nature

A category 5, certified widow maker

It was an act of God that made her

She can bend but you won’t break her

That girl’s a force of nature

Bridge

Maybe the force be with me

I’m giving it a shot

If I crash and burn

At least I’ll know

I gave it all I got

She’s a force of nature

She’s a force of nature

A category 5, certified widow maker

It was an act of God that made her

She can bend but you won’t break her

That girl’s a force of nature

It was an act of God that made her

She can bend but you won’t break her

That girl’s a force of nature

  THREE HEARTS-AND ONE DIAMOND 

VI: My heart was racing, I was gonna propose 

In my pocket I carried a ring 

But in that dimly lit room, I saw you with him 

Then I knew this king lost his queen. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 

And I had no cards I could play 

Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 

So I turned and just walked away. 

VII: Deep down I knew you'd been thinking of him 

l1e was always the love of your life 

And when you leaned over, and the two of you kissed 

It cut through my heart like a knife. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 

And I had no cards I could play 

Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 

So I turned and just walked away 

VIII: I should have noticed the signs, should've known you were cheating 

You had an ace up your sleeve 

I was playing with a deck of fifty-one cards 

Guess you could call me naive. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 

And I had no cards I could play 

Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 

So I turned and just walked away. 

BR: But then I turned back around and walked over to you 

I placed that ring in your palm 

I folded your hand, tipped my hat at your friend 

And sa!d, "mister it looks like you won." 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, rwas dealt a bad hand 

And I had no cards I could play 

Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 

So I turned and just walked away. 

DSA LYRIC CONTEST 2013 WINTER

SEMIFINALIST

 Better Than the Best Of Wines by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA

 Simple Things or Going Back by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA    

 Romance 101 by Michael Junek, Camreon, TX

 I Keep On Wanting You by Andre Kerek, Miami, FL 

How Long Does Love Last by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

 Dancing With a Dream by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ 

 Window Pain by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Trying To Say I Love You by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ 

 Painting My Picture by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Entry Comments

 Better Than the Best Of Wines/  Very good phrasing/cadence; weak form

Simple Things or Going Back     /  Very good phrasing/cadence, weak hook and form

 Romance 101 /  Good originality and impact, weak hook and phrasing

  I Keep On Wanting You / Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact;  hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original

How Long Does Love Last / Very good impact, originality, phrasing and form

 Dancing With a Dream  / Good hook, originality, phrasing and form, weak focus

 Window Pain / Good impact, originality and phrasing; weak hook, focus

Trying To Say I Love You  /   Very good emotional impact, hook, appeal and phrasing

 Painting My Picture  /    Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing

FIRST PLACE

DANCING WITH A DREAM ©2004 by Bill Kapac

This is a song with a new twist that I thought was interesting. I will put in parenthesis what words I remove and add my words.

VERSE 1

She jumps up from her bed, the same time every night

It's that dream again, it comes just before daylight

She stands naked on the floor, as she slowly leans

Into his waiting arms and starts dancing with a dream

VERSE 2

When she wakes up in the morning, tired and alone

No letter on the table, no message on her phone

Her night time lover's gone, (the) his face she's never seen

She wonders who he is when she's dancing with a dream

CHORUS

Dancing with a dream, every night he comes alive

Fantasy surrounds her, until morning (does) arrives

He's her lover king, and she became his queen

With her imaginery lover, she's dancing with a dream

VERSE 3

She (wakes up drenched) is filled with (sorrow) sadness from a dream that's never real

She tries to close her eyes and escape from how it feels

With loneliness beside her, the tears begin to stream

She's waiting for the darkness to start dancing with a dream

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

BETTER THAT THE BEST OF WINES ©2000 by Debra Kay Patrick

I've changed some lines that I thought needed to be more specific.

VERSE 1

She's a good ole country girl

Like's her jeans, faded and torn

Drives a Chevy 4x4

Wears her t-shirts, old and worn

VERSE 2

Lives like there's no tomorrow

Finding love in everything

Loves to laugh, don't like sorrow

She's the angel of my dreams

CHORUS

She's unlike any other woman

(And more that just all mine) And I'm lucky that she's mine

(She is a fine sweet lady) Cause the sweetness of her love is

Better than the best of wines

Leave this out

She is more like an angel

That gives her love to all

She's worth more that all the gold

Better than the best of wines

VERSE 3

It's the way that her eyes sparkle

When I hold her close to me

(She is so remarkable) And her kisses show me a

Love that's deeper than the sea

REPEAT CHORUS

HOW LONG DOES THIS LOVE LAST©2010 by Bill Kapac

Very good impact originality, phrasing and form. I like the imagery and poetic sense of this lyric, but as it is, it may be difficult to put to a melody because of inconsistent verse cadence. It also has too many verses.

1

LIKE A FLOWER BORN IN SPRING, ITS FUTURE TIED TO FATE

IS LOVE DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING, WILL IT ALWAYS BE TOO LATE

THE ROSE IS OH SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT ONLY LASTS SO LONG

BEFORE THE SUMMER’S OVER, ITS MAGIC WILL BE GONE 

V-2 

 WILL TIME BE KIND ENOUGH, TO SPARE ME FROM THAT LOSS

 OR WILL LOVE BE TAKEN FROM ME, AND NAIL ME TO A CROSS

I’LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE, AS LONG AS I’M HERE

DON’T EVER LET OUR FIRE DIE, OR LOVE WILL DISSAPEAR

                    

V-3  

IF NOTHING STAYS FOREVER, HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST

BEFORE ITS BEAUTY FADES AWAY, AND TURNS INTO THE PAST

 LIKE A SCAR UP ON YOUR FACE, OR A CUT THAT NEVER HEALS

THE PAIN WONT EVER GO AWAY, THAT’S HOW LOST LOVE FEELS                    

CHORUS:  

HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, HOW LONG WILL YOU BE MINE 

I ONLY NEED YOU NOW, AND UNTIL THE END OF TIME

 DOES LOVE LAST A HUNDRED YEARS, OR MAYBE JUST A DAY

WHAT CAN I EVER DO, TO ALWAYS MAKE LOVE STAY                       

                    

V4                     

IF THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER, LIKE A MOUNTAIN WITH NO TOP

HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO STOP

EVERY MINUTE SEEMS FOREVER, THE MOMENT LOVE IS GONE

YOU FIND YOURSELF ALONE, WITH NO REASON TO GO ON

                    

REPEAT CHORUS:

THIRD PLACE

I'M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU ©2011 by Bill Kapac

You don't need 4 verses. What the song needs to say is all the little things he's done for her is his way of showing his love. You did it in a couple of verses so stick to this theme.

 CHORUS: 

 I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME NEW FANGLED WAY

 BUT I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS, THAT I OUGHTA SAY

  SO I’LL KEEP DOIN’ WHAT I’M DOIN’, AN’ TRYIN’ EVERY DAY

AND JUST SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME OLD FASHIONED WAY   

             V-1   

IM TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I TAKE OUT THE TRASH

 HELP YOU IN THE KITCHEN, GIVE YOU ALL MY CASH

 YOUR COFFEE IN THE MORNIN’, ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT

 I’M GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU, UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT

             V-2  

I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I COME HOME ON TIME

DO ALL THE CHORES, THAT I DIDN’T THINK WERE MINE

BUT THAT’S ONLY ME, AND THE LITTLE THINGS I DO

I’M JUST TRYING HARD, TO SAY I LOVE YOU

             V-3  

I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, AND MAKING SURE YOU HEAR

AS I PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU, AND WHISPER IN YOUR EAR 

I’M TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL, I KNOW IT’S NOTHIN’ NEW

IT’S JUST ME TRYIN’, TO SAY I LOVE YOU 

CHORUS:

            V-4 

 I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY I LOVE YOU, LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD BEFORE

AND IF YOU DON’T HEAR ME NOW, I’LL SAY IT SOME MORE

I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I’M SINGING EVERY WORD

I WROTE IT ALL FOR YOU, JUST WAITING TO BE HEARD 

REPEAT CHORUS:

PAINTING MY PICTURE ©2010 by Bill Kapac

Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing,

Not a new idea.

CHORUS:  

I’M PAINTING MY LIFES PICTURE, IN EVERY SPLENDID SHADE

COLORING THE SUN AND FUN, AND ALL THE LOVE I’VE MADE

 I WAVE MY BRUSH SO FREELY, EVERY STROKE IS MINE

I’M PAINTING MY LIFE’S PICTURE, I HOPE IT TAKES SOME TIME

            V-1  

I’M STARTING ON MY MASTERPIECE, I’M PAINTING THE BACKGROUND

 BUT I CAN’T PAINT MY SECRETS, UNTILL NO ONE IS AROUND

 I’M PAINTING MY LIFES STORY, AN ARTIST WITH NO BRUSH

THE COLORS RUN TOGETHER, I’M ALWAYS IN A RUSH

            V-2  

LIFE IS ONE BIG SCRAPBOOK, OF PICTURES NEVER TOOK 

A MULTICOLORED CANVAS, FOR THE COVER OF MY BOOK

I DIDN’T TAKE NO LESSONS, I’LL LEARN ALONG THE WAY

 DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF ME, I’M NO PICASSO OR MONET

              V-3  

MY LIFE IS MY OWN CANVAS, IT SHOWS NOBODY ELSE

NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, YOU CAN ONLY PAINT YOURSELF

THERE’S A COLOR FOR EVERY FEELING, BLACK PAINTS THE NIGHT

WHEN YOU’RE DOWN AND OUT, THE COLOR BLUE’S JUST RIGHT

              V-4 

I’M PAINTING MY TODAY, I HOPE IT DON’T DRY TOO FAST

 I LIKE THE SCENE I’M PAINTING, AND I WANT IT TO LAST

I TRY NOT TO SPILL AN OUNCE, I SAVOR EVERY DROP

 THERE’S PLENTY LEFT TO PAINT, AND I DON’T WANT TO STOP 

                                                     

          V-5   

I’LL NEVER BE AN ARTIST, I PAINT THE WAY I LIVE

 I TAKE JUST WHAT I WANT, BUT NO MORE THAN I GIVE

 MY LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT, BUT LIVING’S ALWAYS GOOD

MY PICTURE WILL TURN OUT, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD

REPEAT CHORUS:     

HONORABLE MENTION

GOING BACK TO SIMPLE THINGS 2012 by Debra Kay Patrick

I liked your idea and your lyrics but your song is way too long. Just shorten all your verses .  Great imagery!

I KEEP ON WANTING YOU ©2012 by Andre Kerek

Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact;  hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original

Winners of the 2012 Fall Lyric Contest

Semifinalists

ON THE FRONT STEPS OF A CHURCH by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

LITTLE PIECES  by John Thomas Lane, Monument, Co

 SAY 'WHEN' by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

Winners

As I type I will put in parenthesis words or phrases that I remove and type in my suggestions.

FIRST PLACE

ON THE FRONT STEPS OF A CHURCH ©2012 Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

I liked the originality of this song but I wondered if it would be better if written in third person. Obviously, if you do that you'll have to change all the I's to He's.

VERSE 1

On the front steps of a Church, they came to christen me

And gave me the name of the man I had to be

It doesn't really matter much, a name is just a word

And for the rest of my life, I became the name I heard

(If you change to 3rd person)

On the front steps of a Church, the christening party stood

And gave him the name to carry through manhood

It doesn't really matter much, a name is just a word

And for the rest of his life, he became the name he heard

VERSE 2

On the front steps of a Church, I held my newfound wife

I was feeling like a baby on the first day of my life

Everyone was (cheering) smiling, there was excitement (all around) in the air

She whispered in my ear, (but I couldn't hear a sound) we've got lots of love to share

VERSE 3

I would consolidate verse 3 & 4as you don't need that many verses

(On the front steps of a Church, I would smile every Sunday

And never miss a Mass or remember one on Monday)

On the front steps of a Church, I started Catholic school

The nuns were teaching discipline, I was acting like a fool

I listened to the sermons and took my time to pray

And hoped there was a Heaven as the years all sped away

Here's where I would add a Bridge sorta like this

Now I'm in my waning years, but my memories are clear

My life has been so full and death I will not fear

CHORUS

On the front steps of a Church, lying silent in my box

My sunny days are over now, no ticking on my clock

The moment of truth is here, I'll see what life was worth

I'm right back where I started, on the front steps of a Church

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS ©2012 Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

This has a catchy title and is very well written. Sometimes I added a word to make meters match.

VERSE 1

Every time I look at you, I fall in love again

I'll always be your lover, always your best friend

Whenever I'm away from you, I count each moment then

Waiting for your (hungry) lips, with a kiss that never ends

VERSE 2

When you're in my arms, holding (you) each other so tight

I feel warm inside and everything's alright

What we have is (oh so) real, true love (just) can't pretend

The love I (have) feel for you is a kiss that never ends

CHORUS

A kiss that never ends, a lover for all time

I have all I need as long as you're mine

If the times get rough, there's nothing we can't mend

Our life together is a kiss that never ends

VERSE 3

Such a peaceful feeling surrounds the way we live

Sharing (what) who we are, (yet) taking time to give

I hold your loving body, feel the message that it sends

You still drive me crazy with a kiss that never ends

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

I usually don't critique the 3rd place winner but I liked his title and idea.  Unfortunately, the song was way too long with too many verses so it was easier for me to just rewrite the song. I tried to use your ideas and phrasing, not mine.

LITTLE PIECES ©2012 John Thomas Lane, Monument, Co

VERSE 1

You asked me to walk you down the aisle

Giving me your wonderful "hello friend" smile

It doesn't take a fortune teller to know you're in love

Or a mind reader to see...just not in love with me

VERSE 2

When he slips the ring on your finger

I'll concentrate on the wedding singer

Then I'll hug your mama, listen to her praise Jesus

But I won't tell a soul that my heart's in little pieces

CHORUS

So I'll play my usual part

I'll smile, I'll laugh, say witty things

Lift up my glass, toast you with champagne

To health and happiness that never ceases

But my heart night now is in little pieces

VERSE 3

I have a secret I'll never reveal

It's about you and love and the way I feel

I was hoping against hope that maybe someday

I would grow old with you...not give you away

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

SAY 'WHEN' by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

This writer is a good lyricist with good imagery but there are too many verses and 4 different choruses.  The chorus always needs to be the same to be memorable. Your chorus has 8 lines and 4 should be enough.  I* liked your first chorus the best but end it with"he'll never say "when". Try keeping your songs simple, leaving out the philosophy, and you'll create a better and more memorable song.

GOOD TITLES by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

FOUR WAY STOP -  good Idea, cleaver lyrics, this songs needs a chorus with the catchy title.

 WHITE RIVER'S CHOKING - good metaphor 

MACKEREL SKY - another wonderful metaphor