DSA Lyric Contest

Winners of the Summer Lyric Contest

2011-11-08T12:48:00.001-06:00

There were 42 entries so it took me a little longer.

I'm going to give a general critique first to all the songwriters who entered. Some of you write songs that are too long. Three verses, a repeated chorus and possibly a bridge is long enough. Also, you must learn to match the meters. The meters in the first verse must match the 2nd and 3rd verses. And all choruses should be lyrically and musically alike. Hope this helps in writing your next song.

Semifinalists

A Place Where I Keep My Heart by Dana Young

Is It Deal or No Deal by Dana Young

She Doesn't Know My Heart Breaks by Mario Spinosi

Why Can't You Leave Me Alone by Dana Young

A PLACE WHERE I KEEP MY HEART

by Dana Young

I liked the emotion and imagery in this song. I changed some words to make the meters match

VERSE 1

I remember growing up (I grew up) on a small Kansas farm

A red barn and acres of wheat

An old plow and a cow, a few sittin' hens

And a tire that hung from a tree (A soda shop where friends would meet) to rhyme with wheat

CHORUS

I skipped with the sunbeams and danced in the breeze

At the place where I got my start

I have places for things like my keys and loose change

But that place is where I keep my heart

VERSE 2

We had hometown parades with floats and flags

Antique cars and a high school band

Had my own swimming hole, a homemade fishing pole

I sure loved growing up on that land

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

Sunflowers grew (tall) along (sides of) the dirt roads

Wildflowers swayed in the breeze

Butterflies curtseyed on the farmer's -fenceposts

While dragonflies skimmed across weeds

REPEAT CHORUS

Second Place

IS IT DEAL OR NO DEAL

by Dana Young

This song didn't require much critiquing. I just added a word or removed one to make the meters match

VERSE 1

Now, honey, I know you've been thinking of him

And I really can't blame you at all

He has a big house and a whole lot of money

So honey, I guess it's your call

CHORUS

Cause I'm not very good at playing these games

So I'll tell you just how I feel

I'm in it to win it, do you want him or me

Baby, is it deal or no deal?

VERSE 2

I ain't got a lot to offer to you

But I'll always be by your side

You can have all my love and I'll throw in my heart

But darlin', I must keep my pride

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

I'm putting my cards on the table

I'm putting it all on the line

You gotta choose him or you gotta choose me

Now it's time to make up your mind

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place

SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS

by Mario Spinosi

I liked this song a lot but the verses were long and the chorus was also long. It has a great hook so shorten everything up and get to the punch line quicker. Also I don't recommend putting your lyric in all caps.

V-I SHE WAS STANDING IN MY DOORWAY, LIKE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE.

HER EYES WERE RED FROM CRYING, SHE CAN'T HIDE THAT ANY MORE.

HE'S CHEATED BEFORE, AND NOW HE'S DONE IT AGAIN.

AND SHE ALWAYS-COMES TO ME, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM.

V-2 WE BOTH GREW UP TOGETHER, WE WERE NEVER FAR APART.

FROM BACK YARDS TO COLLEGE, SHE WAS AL WAYS IN MY HEART.

BUT SHE LOVED ANOTHER, AND I KEPT MY FEELINGS IN.

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM.

CHORUS' SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, SHE ONLY KNOWS THE CURE.

EVERY TIME HER HEART ACHES, SHE KNOWS THAT I'LL BE THERE.

I KNOW SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, AND I KNOW I'M JUST A HER FRIEND.

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM.

V-3 FOR JUST A WHILE I'LL HOLD HER, AND EASE OUR TROUBLED HEARTS.-

BUT SHE'LL GO BACK TO HIM, AND AGAIN I DID MY PART.

I KNOW I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HER, BUT I'LL KEEP MY LOVE WITHIN.

AND SHE'LL NEVER KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM .

REPEAT CHORUS .......

Honorable Mention

WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE

by Dana Young

This song has a different twist and I liked it. I would add a bridge giving the listener a clue to why the breakup or emphasis his ego.

I'm just cruisin' around and swing by your house

And there you are in the front yard.

Well it just seems to be you're not over me

Now why must you make it so hard?

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone

Honey why can't you just let me be

When I'm driving around allover town

You're the one that I always see.

I go to the store to pick up some beer

And you're strolling down aisle number three

Wearing an old t-shirt and faded blue jeans

Lookin' just as sexy as can be.

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone

Honey why can't you just let me be

When I'm driving around allover town

You're the one that I always see.

Then I go to the bar and again there you are

Sittin' there on the barstool

It just seems to me that you're following me

Do you take me for some kind of fool?

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone

Honey why can't you just let me be

When I'm driving around allover town

You're the one that I always see.

2011 SPRING WINNERS

2011-08-01T12:43:00.004-05:00

Winner Larry Dodge, middle, is presented a check and certificate at the Nov. 8 DSA 2nd Tuesday Meeting by Lyric Contest Director, Nancy Rynders, left, and DSA President Buck Morgan, right.

Semifinalists

The Way It Used To Be by Larry Dodge

Don't Put Down My Pickup by Joel Williams

Twenty Something Years Ago by Joel Williams

Laundromat Love by Larry Dodge

First Place

I picked this song because I think it is relivant to the way the marjority of Americans are thinking right now. I will critique as I type. I will put in paranthesis my changes. I tried to make the meters match.

VERSE 1

I remember when our Uncle Sam

Stood for life and liberty

When our country offered everyone

The opportunity

To chase and capture happiness

And rejoice that we were free

When (Yes,) we admired Norman Rockwell

'Cause he painted you and me

CHORUS

You can say that I'm outdated

I'm old hat, I'm history

But I preferred the USA

The way it used to be

VERSE 2

I remember that we learned in school

How our country was the best

Of all the world's nations (Of all the countries in the world)

We stood (way) above the rest

Our biggest worries were so small

Would we pass the spelling test?

Would our team win the (football) game?

Could our car outrun the rest? (find a better line here)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

But today the times are different (Now our government is different)

Many things have gone downhill (As we watch it go downhill)

We used to have a Bill of Rights

Now we've only got the bill

We've watched (seen) our jobs swim overseas

And we're always in a war

The rich keep getting richer (Entitlements keep growing)

Begging Uncle Sam for more

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

Yes, I preferred the USA

The way it used to be

Second Place

This is a cute country song that a lot of guys could relate to and it's cleverly written. I didn't change much.

VERSE 1

I treat her like a lady; I never put her down

I'm proud to be with her when we're out on the town

I know she ain't so pretty and she's got a lotta' miles

But when we're out together, everyone turns and smiles

Now she's been good to me since back in sixty-two

That's when I brought her home, brand spankin' new

So you're walking (on) thin ice, you're pushin' your luck

If you say something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

CHORUS

Don't put down my pick-up, my red-neck Cadillac

With the guns in the window and the beer cans in the back

She's a Southern Comfort for this good ole country boy

Don't put down my pick-up...she's my pride and joy

VERSE 2

She's got some dents and scratches from the scrapes we've been thru

But that don't bother me 'cause I've got some, too

She's got a Chevy engine sittin' on a Ford chassis

And those three hundred horses make her kind of sassy

She could use another coat of camouflage paint

But I like what she is and I like what she ain't

So you'll hear the thunder roar, you'll think that lightning struck

If you say something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

Now I never had a woman that I could get to stay

When I ask 'em "why", this is all they'd say

I think you're pretty cute but I could never be stuck

With a guy who spends all his money on his pick -up truck

But she'll never nag and she'll never be late

She'll never say "watch it" when I pat her tailgate

(So) You'd better come out swingin', you'd better learn to duck

If you saty something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place

This song tells a good story, but the writer needs to match his meters in the verses. Also, it gets a little wordy. The same thing could be said with shorter lines and more "punch". The chorus should stay the same. Note this song was not submitted in the proper format.

He was on the road to Nashville with a guitar on his back, When the trucker stopped to offer him a ride.

"Climb aboard, son, and sing me your song," And the young man said, "I'm much obliged."

"Let me guess your story," the old trucker said As they rolled down the highway in his rig.

"You're going to Music City to be a country star, You've paid all your dues, now you wanta' hit it big;

And everybody says, 'You should be in Nashville and playing on the radio.

The Grand Ole Opry's where you need to be, and they're looking for you down on Music Row. I've been there myself with a pocketful of dreams, twenty-something years ago.

The trucker stared ahead with never a word.

The wheels whined across Tennessee.

The boy knew better than to break the silence; The old man was stuck in his memories.

Then finally he spoke, with a soft, breaking voice, "Son, listen to the wisdom of my years;

Every road into Nashville's a highway of dreams,

If you leave before you make it, They're just trails oftears.

Now everybody said, I should be in Nashville and playing on the radio,

The Grand Ole Opry was where I should be, and they were looking for me down on Music Row. But my pocketful of dreams was turned inside-out, twenty-something years ago.

The boy picked up his guitar and he tuned all the strings And he started to playa country song.

The old man turned, he said "Hey, I know that tune," And he started to sing along.

They must have sung a hundred songs as they rode through the night.

They were lost in the music for a while.

As they pulled into a truckstop in the morning light,

The boy put down his guitar and the old trucker smiled,

He said, "Boy, You should be in Nashville and playing on the radio.

The Grand Ole Opry is where you need to be, They're looking for you down on Music Row.

And somewhere down the road when you're a country star and you're playing in your biggest show Just tell the folks you want to dedicate a song to your old trucker friend, Joe

Who gave you a ride on the highway of dreams, twenty-something years ago.

(Spoken) "By-the-way, Son, Good Luck and thanks for the ride."

Here is my version of a verse.

My friends all said I should be on the radio

Performing in Nashville was where I need to be

And I'd be a hit down on Music Row

But my pocketful of dreams fell apart at the seams

Twenty-something years ago

Then I would add this bridge before repeating the same chorus again

BRIDGE

While you're in Nashville

You should happen to make it big

Remember your trucker friend, Joe

Who gave you a ride on the highwy of dreams

Just a few years ago

Honorable Mention

Very cute title. The choruses need to be the same. I'd like to see "loads of love" in the chorus. Also, you really made her his bride pretty fast...I'd just stick to the love part.

I met the love of my life at a laundromat

I know it sounds funny but it's an actual fact

She was folding lingerie when our gazes met

Across the top of the tables near the TV set

Until she looked at me she'd been watching a soap

She caught me glancing at her undies like a genuine dope

Then she packed 'em in a basket as her face went red

And I knew I should be minding my own business instead

Chorus 1:

LAUNDROMAT LOVE, LAUNDROMAT LOVE

Came to light underneath the fluorescents above

Looks like she's figured out what I'm thinkin' of

So I'd better keep it clean if I want LAUNDROMAT LOVE

It took a little while for me to unclog my voice

She was ready to leave so I had to make a choice

Would I remain a wordless wonder as I washed my duds

Or would I wipe away the wimp and rise above the suds?

I untied my tongue and tried to say something cool

When she didn't reply you know I felt like a fool

Then I asked could I help her pack her laundry outside

One thing led to another and she became my bride

Chorus 2:

LAUNDROMAT LOVE, LAUNDROMAT LOVE

Came to light underneath the fluorescents above

From our king-sized sheets to her daintiest glove

We're now sharin' our loads because of LAUNDROMAT LOVE

WINTER 2011 WINNERS ANNOUNCED

2011-05-05T12:34:00.003-05:00

SEMIFINALISTS

Award Winning Angel by Larry Dodge, Dallas, TX

The Homecoming Dance by Lisa Simmons, Lewisville, TX

Crumbs by Dom Stasi, Willow Springs, IL

The Brothers by Sammie Lee Marler, Brunswick, GA

WINNERS

I will critique as I type. If a word or phrase is in parenthesis, remove and replace with my suggestion.

FIRST PLACE

AWARD-WINNING ANGEL by Larry Dodge

This song lends itself to the realities of today. I like the images and the rhyme pattern is unique by rhyming the first 3 lines and not the 4th. It has too many verses so I shortened it.

VERSE 1

Well, I was just comin' to when I heard her curse

Nothing too nasty, yeah, I've heard a lot worse

Just spicy language from a military nurse

When I looked up I saw five of her

VERSE 2

All ten of her hands had dropped my trays of meds

And a ward full of wounded all turned their heads

Another excuse to watch her from their beds

She was a (beauty to behold, for sure) real beauty to be sure

(Where the VA found her no one had a clue

But she renewed our faith in the red, white and blue)

Make the next 2 lines a PRE CHORUS

She had the face of an angel and a great body, too

There wasn't (much) any cure that she couldn't (cure) do

CHORUS

She was a ward-winning angel

Because of her we learned to pray

That when our bodies recovered

From the wounds we had suffered

She'd take us to heaven some day

I changed the chorus to this:

She was a ward-winning angel

And I really do feel

Her heavenly smile

Helped my wounds heal

She'd squeeze my hand saying"you'll be good as new"

The soldiers all loved her and she loved us, too

She was a ward-winning angel

VERSE 3

One day an officer came into our ward

In his dress uniform, complete with a sword

If she was an angel, then he was her lord

(But she didn't leave us in the cold) She introduced him to us all

I'd remove the next verse to shorten the song

(No, she introduced him to everyone there

He saw how we loved her but he didn't care

It was clear as diamonds that they were a pair

We weren't all that surprised, truth be told)

VERSE 4

Outside our windows a marching band played

To honor the sacrifice we men had made

She walked him outside, he rejoined the parade

Then our angel returned to the (fold) ward

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

THE HOMECOMING DANCE by Lisa Simmons

This is a sweet sentimental song but it's too long. I also thought the last verse jumped too many decades so I changed it in keeping with the theme. The verses are too long, try shortening to 6 lines.

VERSE 1

It's her first date

And the dress is just right

It'll be her first dance

Without daddy tonight

Little girls now young ladies

The boys seem like men

The pictures remind us

Of where the time went

CHORUS

It's the homecoming dance

Twirl around on the floor

Time goes so quickly

(We) They want so much more

(How can we hold on

To the time that we have)

How can they hold on

To their first romance

Keep this feeling forever

Of the homecoming dance

VERSE 2

He left last September

To fight for us all

They cried knowing their son

Would be born late that fall

Now it's a year later

And the time passed so slow

He can't wait to see them

And hold them both close

BRIDGE

This bridge is too long

(Time is so precious

With those that we love

Can we just stop the world from turning

Let's keep all the memories

We have in our minds

And when we get to the end

Just rewind)

Their Homecoming Photo

is hung in the hall

Bringing back memories

They love to recall

REPEAT CHORUS All the choruses should match

VERSE 3

(They were married forever

It seemed all their lives

She fell asleep first

He played out his time

The one quiet evening

As if it were planned

He slipped away softly

As he stretched out his hand)

Replace with this..much happier

It's their High School reunion

And they're on the gym floor

Twirling and dancing

To the music once more

Their love has lasted

Through the laughter and tears

Holding on to those memories

Throughout all the years

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

CRUMBS by Dom Stasi

I loved the title and the 1st verse but the 2nd verse wasn't as strong. The song's a little short so maybe you could add a 3rd verse. But a well written song.

VERSE

Rainy days are here at last

Them paychecks never disappeared so fast

Upside down in a house of cards

We're burning through the cash buried in the yards

PRE-CHORUS

Right down to the core, it's clear as day

Baseball, hot dogs, Chevrolet...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

VERSE

Poorly managed, managed anger

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

Still have my pride, and above all

Got faith, hope, and the greatest of 'em all

PRE-CHORUS

The bridge is out ahead, it's make or break

And all about the choices we make...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

HONORABLE MENTION

THE BROTHERS by Sammie Lee Marler

I loved the story, all the rhyme patterns and the imagery...but to be a good song, it needs to have a chorus. Just add a couple of short, catch lines between every 2 verses. It could be a good folk song.

Fall 2010 Winners

2011-02-02T14:25:00.005-06:00

FALL 2010 WINNERS

SEMIFINALISTS

CARDBOARD DADDY

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

SOMETHIN' BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

LET'S GAMBLE ON US

by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW?)

by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

FIRST PLACE

CARDBOARD DADDY by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

I will critique as I type. This is a clever song and speaks to us all. The words or lines in parenthesis should be removed but I've also added a word here and there to make the meters match. The song is pretty long and each verse should be trimmed to 6 lines. I trimmed the chorus. It's a great song but it really needs to be shortened. Look for at least 2 lines in each verse that could be removed.

VERSE 1

The pretty young wife cried softly

The red tail lights faded away

He was off to the front lines

A brave young Green Beret

She recalled a childhood memory

A fateful knock on the door

Her father was a soldier too

But he didn't make it home from war

VERSE 2

Their son wanted to see daddy

She found a creative way

Made a life-sized cardboard photo

They saw him every day

(There were lots of fun memories

Cardboard daddy was there for them all

A birthday party, a touchdown catch

And many games of tee-ball)

He never missed a party

A Christmas or tee-ball

Yes, he was there for them all

CHORUS

So if you see a man in uniform

Walk up and shake his hand

(And thank the hero next to him

The one driving a mini-van)

Cause behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

Though our gratitude is genuine

(But) Her sacrifice is real

VERSE 3

It was career day in 1st grade

Each child got to speak

The fathers sat at a (blue) table

Cardboard Daddy took a seat

(The boy) He said "My daddy's in Afghanistan

For 7 months he's been away..."

Then a loud knock on the door

Stopped what he had to say

VERSE 4

In walked a handsome soldier

Wearing a smile and a Green Beret

(The little boy) He cried out "Daddy"

And ran to him right away

They hugged each other tightly

Tears filled everyone's eyes

Mom watched from the corner

She had planned the whole surprise

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE This should come before the 2nd chorus

Every child and father rose

Gave the soldier a standing ovation

He joined them at the (blue) table

(And) Sent Cardboard Daddy on vacation

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

Oh yes, behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

SECOND PLACE

SOMETHIN' 'BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

This is a cute song but way too long. I've added a few words to make the meters match but I've mostly tried to shorten your song by removing lines and verses. I'll put these in parenthesis.

VERSE 1

I have sailed the globe

On those Navy ships

Seen lots of pretty girls

Yeah, kissed a few lips

Take his verse out

VERSE 2

(Those brown-eyed senoritas

Made me look twice

Met blond Swedish girls

That could melt the ice)

VERSE 3

But the prettiest girls

I ever did see

Were all back home

In (Alabama) Tennessee

CHORUS This needs to be condensed and I made it shorter and catchier

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

(Tan legs with daisy dukes

Big hair and cowboy boots

She makes pecan pie

Writes thank you notes

Cuter then hell

Laughs at your jokes)

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 3

Take this verse out

(I drove to Mississippi

Just to hear those girls talk

Crowned Ms. South Carolina

Just to see her walk)

REPLACE IT WITH THIS

Texas girls are smart

With good looks to match

If you could lasso one

You'd have quite a catch

VERSE 4

Ain't nothin' sweeter

Than a Georgia peach

Florida girls are hot

Bikinis on the beach

REPEAT CHORUS...My version

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up in pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 5

Take this verse out...you don't need it or put in a short 2 line bridge

(Saw a Kentucky cheerleader

Sippin bourbon from a cup

Threw some beads in Louisiana

Girl pulled her t-shirt up)

REPEAT CHORUS starting with You gotta love 'em

TAG

Yes, wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

THIRD PLACE

LET'S GAMBLE ON US by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

This is a cute song but instead of 8 verses of 3 lines, make 4 verses of 6 lines each or 2 verses on 8 lines.

It's still going to be a little long.

HONORABLE MENTION

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW) by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

A good country song and I was surprised at the answer.

SuMMER 2010 WINNERS

2010-11-23T21:51:00.004-06:00

I will critique as I type. Words in brackets should be removed and I might substitute other words or lines.

FIRST PLACE

BLUE CRAYONS WRITE THE BEST by Mario Spinosa

This is a clever title and sentiment but I was disappointed when I got to the chorus and read the line "it's not where I belong". You need to make this soldier strong, proud and patriotic for the message to resonate with an audience. You also have too many "ands" in your song

VERSE 1

The card said (season's greetings)"how I miss you" and the picture was of them

Little Jimmy smiling with my wife (holding) next to him

On the bottom of the card was a note there just for me

It was printed in blue crayon (with) though the words were hard to read

CHORUS

It said, I love you, daddy, even though you're far away

I hope that you'll come home soon and (I wish) this time that you'll stay

I learned to write since you've been gone, mom is helping me with this

And I hope you like the color, blue crayons write the best

VERSE 2

This war has taken me away (and), I've been gone (for much) far too long

A soldier's life is what I chose, (but it's not where I belong) my commitment is still strong

My eyes began to fill with tears (and), a lump rose in my throat

As I read again the crayon words my little Jimmy wrote

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

I know he's growing up too fast, (and) I wish that I was there

(And the life I always dreamed of is not the life I'm living here)

So just stand tall and wait for me and say a little prayer

Then (so) I bought myself some crayons, (and) I knew which one to use

(And) I wrote a letter back to him in crayon colored blue

CHORUS

I said "I love you, Jimmy, even though I'm far away

I'll be coming home soon and this time (you know I'll) I'm gonna stay

You learned to write since I've been gone (and I thank your mom for this)and I am so impressed

And yes, I like the color...blue crayons write the best"

SECOND PLACE

NOW SON, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY by Melina Barnett

This is a sweet song that most people can identify with...but your verses are 7 lines long and most verses are 4, 6 or 8 lines. I think you need to shorten the verses.

VERSE 1

Need to share just how I feel

Put it in a song ...make it real

Want the tears to wash over me

With memories of how things used to be

Don't want to (listen to) hear what strangers say

It's still too soon

Please let me hide away

PRE CHORUS

Want to thank him for the time he gave me

The arms he offered when all else failed me

I'm angry and (feel) know it's all too late

Just feel like the dream is dead

(There are no rhymes in this pre-chorus)

CHORUS

Just feel like the dream is dead

Thoughts spinning round my head

Want to stop the world and walk away

Back to him and hear him say

Now Son,

Tomorrow is another day

VERSE 2

Need to (look at his picture) read the letters that he kept (picture didn't rhyme)

(And where he always slept) Touch the bed where he slept

His soft voice (like a song) rewinds in my head

(Need to smell his hair, touch his hand) I still can't believe that he is dead

(Laugh at life as we share our plans) Sit and talk by the old fireplace

Oh, (want) to be a kid again

Count the lines (round) on his face

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

If I can fill his shoes, I'd walk with pride

As my father stepped through life with God on his side

I need some space so let me be

(Because) When my father died

Something died in me

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

FLY FREE by Butch Schindel

Even though it's a sad song, it is well written and your meters match well. Verse 4 should be a bridge.

Good song!

HONORABLE MENTION

ZEKE by Ron Walthall

This is a very original song and well crafted. I think I would expand the chorus to several lines such as "Zeke is a preacher man and he'll tell you about God's plan"

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest Winners

2010-08-31T21:57:00.002-05:00

SEMIFINALISTS

I Threw It Away by Matt Abell, Stroudsburg, PA

Music Carry Me by Donna Lisa, Westfield, NJ

Katrina by Mark Crisp, Arroyo Grande, CA

Whiskey Wins by Donna Scoggins, Dallas, Tx

WINNERS

First Place...I Threw It Away

I will critique as I type.

VERSE

I dragged the box out to the trash

And struggled with the weight

The memories, they didn't last

But took up so much space

So many silly souvenirs

I see them now and cry

I held onto them all these years

But can't remember why

CHORUS

I threw my heart away today

It lay there next to yesterday's

Sour milk and spoiled eggs (meat)

There was nothing left in it (to keep)

So I threw it away

VERSE

The figurine that fell and cracked

The broken vase you gave

I tried to glue the pieces back

But they never fit the same

(b etter verse)

The figurine that fell and broke

My favorite one from you

But like my heart it wouldn't mend

No matter how much glue

/"We faded like these photographs

Tarnished like this ring

The shine wore off, so did the laughs (love)

So impercepitibly (The heartache it would bring)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

You used to be so dear to me

But love is strange like that (But love can change so fast)

In time it changes everything (Sometimes it's really hard to see

And (When) treasure turns to trash

REPEAT CHORUS

Second Place...Music Carry Me

VERSE

(Remove words in brackets)

You gave me two children, (you) gave me your love

At least I thought you did

But you were (just) taking me for a (slow) ride

And keeping you motives (well) hid

You took my money and most of my pride

The kids begged "Daddy stay"

You took almost all that I had (But I've still got one thing left)

That you can't take away

CHORUS (chorus needs to be the same throughout the song. Your chorus is too long

Music carry me through

I'm a sad and broken old friend

Music carry me through

Help me get back on my feet again

You sang a ballad llike nobody else

Sang it soft and low

Add (When you were part of my musical show)

(Leave these next lines out)

Beautiful lady, I asked you to join me and sing in my musical show

I'd been traveling and singing for years

While you were fresh and new

You turned to me for advice and each night

I grew closer and closer to you

VERSE

I kn ow people laughed when we (first) said our vows

"He's much too old for her"

But nobody dared to say straight to my face (But no one said nary a word)

"Hey, she's after you money, (for sure) sir

(Besides) I don't pay mind to gossip (and talk), I do just what I feel( Shorten this line)

( Your love had just consummed me

And knocked me on my heels

But for you, it wasn't real)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

It's been years (months) since you left (me) for good

I heard you sing last night

(Sat in the first row and) Watched the audience whistled and cheer (with delight)

I caught your eye for a moment or two (You were doing everything right)

Your smile was flushed (perfect) and sweet

Then your head turned and you smiled the same way (But I've seen that look many times)

At a man sitting right next to me (It's just another repeat)

(Chock full of loving deceit)

REPEAT CHORUS

Good imagery in this song but you had no rhyme pattern. You need to rhyme either the 1st & 3rd lines or the 2nd & 4th lines. Also make sure your meters match in each of the verses.

Since this is the 5th anniversary of that terrible storm, improve the song and put it on you tube.

NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

2010-07-18T14:45:00.002-05:00

SPETEMBER 30, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31

PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

WINTER /SPRING 2010 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged (Winter was combined with Spring, because there were only a few entries for winter.)

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest

2010-07-18T14:43:00.000-05:00

Currently in the judging process. Stay tuned.

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2010-04-30T15:40:00.001-05:00

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NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

2010-04-04T11:36:00.001-05:00

JUNE 30, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31

PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

WINTER10 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged

Fall 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

2010-01-30T14:25:00.004-06:00

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

WHEN LAMBS BECOME LIONS by John Thomas Lane
This is a unique song but it is a little too long. I understood that lambs represented children and lions were soldiers and I thought it was a good hook and powerful song. I will critique as I type the lyrics.

VERSE 1
From bunker hill to the cradle waters
Heroes we know as our sons and daughters
Stand up and answer the call
Knowing one day they may make that wall (most people won't get this line. Better to say "could fall")

PRE-CHORUS (I think)
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

CHORUS
Chasing ghosts across broken land
On rolling seas and desert sand
Across angry skies and fields of ice
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions pay freedom's highest price
Heaven's gates will open wide (leave this line out)
And a chorus of angels lead them inside (leave this line out ..."Lions pay" line is more powerful)

VERSE 2
(I would leave this entire verse out. It is too poetic and vague)
Whispers remind us loud and clear
Of missions so far and yet so near
And the dove in her silent flight
Hold the olive branch in sight
(I would replace it with something like this)
The thunder of weapons makes a haunting sound
Echos of swift and terrible power
Smoke and fire drift across the ground
The cost of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 3
(I would also leave this verse out. The meters don't match and it adds nothing to the song)
But every mama knows
Rockets will paint the night
And every mama cries
When a blood red sky steals the light

PRE-CHORUS
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
(I already changed and used part of this verse for verse 2 or write a different verse)
Smoke drifts across hallowed ground
Echos of swift and terrible power
That's the haunting sound
Of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 5
(I would leave this verse out. Let them keep fighting...not die)
In a gentle rain shower
A bugler plays taps
Flags are folded in laps
Guns are still at last

TAG
(This is good)
And eagles spread their wings
Bells of freedom ring
A grateful nation cries
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions are freedom's highest price

(I'm not sure you need more lines)
And we sleep free at night
The land of the free tonight
We are free tonight
We are free (a lot of "frees")

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

SECOND PLACE

THE KNOCK by Charles David Risinger
(This is a cute country song)

VERSE 1
One of these days there'll be a knock on the door
When everybody wonders what went wrong
They're gonna find me and the (my) wife and kids
Have just (leave out just) left everything and gone

VERSE 2
The mailbox will be covered over with mail
And there'll be papers all over the drive
They're gonna think me and the family
Just disappeared or died

CHORUS
(The chorus is weak because it isn't realistic. Nobody goes without electricity or phones in today's day. Also, you need to use the song title somewhere in your chorus.)
We'll be living high on the hog
In a log cabin way up in the hills
Candles gonna light our home
Electric company won't be sending no more bills
There won't be no telephone
The only bell you'll hear
Will be around the neck of my milk cow, Bessie
Every time she's near
(My version)
We found a simpler life
Cut out all the frills
Built a log cabin
High in the hills
Bought some cows and chickens, too
Gonna eat the veggies that we grew
So don't come knocking on my door
'Cause we're not there anymore

VERSE 3
(You don't need this verse. They would have a clock)
We'll be livin' on a mountain top
Where shadows from the sun are the only clock
But it won't matter if it's day or night
On the river bank where the catfish bite

VERSE 4
( You have a different rhyme scheme in verse 3 & 4 than you do in verse 2 & 3. The rhyme scheme should be the same in all the verses)
Won't be any noise from the interstate
Just the subtle sound that a hoot owl makes
Won't be any rush hour stop and go
But we'll be walking bare footed down an old dirt road
(My version)
We don't miss the rushing of life's fast pace
Or the congested, noisy interstate
Sipping a cold one on our front porch
Listening for the sound a hoot owl makes

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

FROM A DISTANCE by Akin Akintola
This is a well written song with some very good lines. Don't know if the subject matter would be commercial but I'm sure many women could identify with this song. I do think you have too many verses..3 or 4 are enough plus a long chorus.

NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

2009-11-25T13:27:00.003-06:00

MARCH 31, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31

PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

FALL09 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged

SUMMER 2009 WINNERS

2009-11-25T13:14:00.006-06:00

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

The song structure was good but I felt the content of the song was bland and generic.
Since there are thousands of love songs written, a song really needs to have a 'fresh approach" to become commercial. I'll critique as I write.

YOU WOULD LOVE ME SO RIGHT by Andre Kerek Here is a link to the complete song with melody posted on Broadjam.com Once your on the page you'll need to click on the song title. http://www.broadjam.com/artists/songs.php?artistID=30620#

VERSE 1
You know my mood when we touch
And read my mind way too much
I can't see how it would be
If you weren't here to live with me

CHORUS
Who would I find who is sincere
Someone who would always be here
Keeping me warm into the night
Who would love me so right
You would love me so right

VERSE 2
When times get tough and seem the worst
And I need help, you're there first
You make me lie down next to you (You're next to me when things go wrong)
And bring me up with all that you do (Cause your love for me is so strong)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out because it says nothing new)
When I'm in pain, you have the cure
And know how much I can endure
You lead me to the right path
So I won't catch somebody's wrath

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
Looking back thru all the years
We had good times and some tears
This may not sound like a big deal (Just want you to know how I feel)
Just wanted you to know how I feel (Cause to me it is a big deal)

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL by Paul Zander

(I chose this song because of it's catchy title. It could be a good song if written with more conversational lines and less vagueness)

CINDERELLA NOT AT ALL

VERSE 1
She's got some magic and she's more than able
To mesmerize and break your certain gaze
He thinks of love in rhyme and storied fables
From his collective and unconscious days

MY VERSION
She was his Cinderella on their wedding day
But marriage is not a fairy tale
His expectations of her were too high
When he lifted her bridal veil

CHORUS (I would switch the 3 line chorus, putting the "She's a woman" chorus at the top)
(Put this at bottom)
She's not some pretty maiden
No Galatea waiting
She was born to rise and fall (find a better line)

(Put at top)
She's a woman
She's just a woman
Cinderella not at all

VERSE 2
Between the battles and that sweet devotion
Sometimes love feels just like a twice-told tale
Can she survive these Grimm and fabled notions
Can she remain the Princess underneath that bridal veil

MY VERSION
Sometimes the glass slipper doesn't fit
And the magic spell is broken
Between her and her Prince Charming
When hurtful words are spoken

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE? (A bridge is usually not 7 lines long. Why not have a 2 line bridge and a 4th verse)
She wants to be his muse
But she don't know what to do
And she has her own tale to be told
Then something quite alarming
He used to be Prince Charming
Now that spell is broken
Cast down by words unspoken
(I'm sorry, but this bridge made no sense to me whatsoever. What's her problem and what did he do?
I thought this song was about his high expectations of her and she couldn't live up to them. Be specific!)

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

EVERYTHING AND YOUby Andre Kerek
This is a well written song but so sad. There was another song written on the same subject a few years ago. I just remember in the chorus it said I'll go sky diving.

Winter/Spring 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

2009-07-06T18:47:00.002-05:00

FINALISTS

The Rider by David McElhinney
Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto
We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker

First Place

The Rider by David McElhinney

This is a very good folk song that reminds me of the old song "Ghost Riders in the Sky". It's a little too long but it tells a good story.

VERSE 1
Alone on the plains, during some real tough days
The widow and her son were trying to make their way
When them bandits showed up, they terrorized those two
Took all their money, their cattle and their food

As they rode off, the boy screamed in a voice like thunder
You'll be sorry come sunset cause you'll all be six feet under
The Rider will come, you just wait and see
Fore morning comes, you'll wish you'd listened to me

He's tall in the saddle, and he has red eyes
Rides a black stallion that's twenty hands high
Shoots golden bullets out of his pistols from hell
The stink of brimstone is all you'll smell

You'll be punished for all the things you stole
The Rider will see that you pay with your soul
Get your affairs in order and get ready for a fight
Cause a reckoning is coming and it's coming tonight

CHORUS
Now the Rider weren't nothing but a campfire tale
Told to boys by men who had too much ale
Bout how he was once a lonely miner slain for his gold
Now he righted wrong is how the story was told

VERSE 2
Now these young thieves had each lived an unruly life
Mean as rattlesnakes, they caused misery and strife
But that very evening, with the moon out of sight
The Rider found their camp, it wasn't much of a fight

He appeared all in black through the midnight plume
And each and every man knew he would seal their doom
They emptied their guns into his body and head
But the Rider stood tall, never winced or bled

He laughed with fury, sending a chill up their spines
His sinister cackle telling them they'd run out of time
The Rider drew and fired, cutting those men to shreds
Then he vanished before the last was dead

Now each bandit was rich with carcasses full of gold
Lot of good it did em' cause now they were cold
Vultures descended on them, like angry bats from hell
Picked their bones clean, 'cept for them golden shells

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
That next morning when the widow got out of bed
Battered and bruised, is how the story was said
Moved slow across the room, her wounds still raw
She looked our the window, couldn't believe what she saw

In the corral, all her cattle was back
Plus six new horses with saddles and tack
Her son ran outside to inspect the herd
He knew the Rider played the part of shepherd (He knew that the Rider always kept his word)

There was also a satchel, full of gold
Enough to sustain them until they was old
There was a note written in blood on the side of that sack (leave out "there was")
It read live right, do good or I'll be back

You won't see tomorrow if the Rider appears
He is the sum of all your worst fears
If you do wrong, you'll meet him, guaranteed
In the frontier, he is the only law you need

See if you can trim it some and still keep the story intact. Also, make sure the meters match up

SECOND PLACE

This is very cleverly written and sure is apropo for today. It sounds like a musical comedy song or perhaps a semi-rapp song. It's a little long...I'd be curious to hear the music to this one

We Are The Banksters by Eddie Becker ASCAP, Copyright 2009

The Eddie Becker Band / www.eddiebeckerband.com

We are the banksters, the original gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the old world gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

It ain’t that hard to understand what we do
We go into your country and create a coup
We create the crisis then become your savior
Nobody in the world understands our behavior

We hide it in symbols, hide it in our words
Read the fine print, it’s not that absurd
It’s a pyramid you know and we’re on the top
We’re gonna steal everything and we just can’t stop

We grab all the silver, steal all the gold
We’ll take everything that you want to hold
We’ll take your house and all of your land
Steal all the water and leave you sand

We are the banksters, the Wall Street gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the Federal Reserve gangsters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

Making money out of air as much as we need
Air is cheap and we got a lot of greed
We’ll fix that though just as sure as you breathe
A big fat tax just to make you seethe

Taxation and inflation are both the same
We just jack up the payments, it’s all in the game
Carbon and the Earth are the next big bubble
Profits will soar and our money will double

We steal all the assets, leverage all our bets
What we leave in our wake is a mountain of debts
We buy all the roads, buy all the ports
Move in our troops and harden all our forts

We are the banksters, the World Bank gangsters
We’ve been on the grift for a long, long time
We are the banksters, the global pranksters
We’re doin’ the con and we’ll take your very last dime

Suckers

We meet each year, deep in the woods
Plot how to steal all the rest of your goods
It’s a secret you know, out in full view
And we pay off the Government so they’re part of our crew

We’re going to crash the economy and steal all your wealth
Make new foods that’ll ruin your heath
We’ll take away your car so you can’t go far
Then repossess your home in the name of the Czar

It’s order out of chaos, we create the change
We’ll take that too, we got no shame
There ain’t nothing that’s sacred, it’s all in the game
We’ll do the dirty under anybody’s name

We are the lenders, the changers, the central banks
And we collect our dues with guns and tanks
The banksters, the gangsters, bringing you change
To America the beautiful, yeah, home on the range

VAMP OUT

We are the banksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
The original gangsters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Black Magic pranksters
Gimmie, Gimmie… Gimmie all your money
Bringing you the New World…. Yeah, Financial… Disorder
Suckers

THIRD PLACE

Just For One Day by Amy Ralmuto

VERSE 1
(This verse is just 4 lines, the other verses are 8 lines. Maybe this could be a lead-in bridge. Otherwise the verses have to match in number of lines)
Seems like when things start to go well
Something always gets in the way
Sometimes I wish for once
It could just be my day

CHORUS
It may sound selfish
But everyone has their moments
(Leave these first 2 lines off)
I wanna live my dream
And live life to it's fullest
I wanna be all I can be
And(leave off And) see all I can see
Make everyone wonder
Why they aren't living life like me
Just for one day!

VERSE 2
Living in someone's shadow
Tends to be my specialty
I get lost in the darkness
But the light finds me occasionally
Stepping out of my comfort zone
Those notice all around me (this doesn't make sense. Don't you mean "those all around me notice")
But my own unique self (Leave off But)
Is what I want others to see. (rewrite these last 2 lines to make it clearer)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3
Overcoming my fears
Over powering my thoughts
Overreaching my goals
Which no one had fought (doesn't make sense)
I am becoming myself
No longer lost and confused
Life is gliding real smoothly ("I've gotten so much stronger" is a better line)
And I'm no longer feeling used

CHORUS
(This is a little different than the original chorus. I get what you're trying to do but the choruses should stay the same. Maybe make a bridge that explains his or her makeover)
It's no longer selfish
Everyone has their moments
(Leave out first 2 lines)
I'm living my dream
And living life to it's fullest
I'm being all I can be
And seeing all I can see
Making everyone wonder
Why aren't they living their life like me
One day and all eternity

This song leaves a lot of unanswered questions such as, what happened to make the singer come out of the shadows? It needs a story line because no singer would want to identify with this song. Write it in 3rd person and tell a story about how introverted that person was until she (he) discovered a talent and climbed out of obscurity. As it's written now, it just isn't commercial.

Fall 2008 Lyric Contest

2009-05-02T11:55:00.004-05:00

SEMIFINALISTS

Concrete Cowboys by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Drops of Water On The Glass Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Time Will Only Tell by Beth Scivally, Ovilla, Tx
What Was Left I Paid The Lawyers by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

DSA President, Steve Sullivan, presents Roger Russell with a certificate and check for his winning song, "Concert Cowboys" .

CONCRETE COWBOYS
I'm assuming this is a song about city slickers looking for fun and ladies in country bars. I'll critique as I type the song.

VERSE
We'll put on our western suits
And shine up our cowboy boots
Drive around in my old truck
Trying to tempt old lady luck

Might round up a honey tonight

CHORUS
We are concrete cowboys
Driving my old pickup truck
Driving down the concrete trail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight
(there are no rhymes in this chorus.Perhaps something like this:
We are concrete cowboys
Driving down the concrete trail
Looking for fun and ladies
Sure not wanting to fail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight)

VERSE
We go to the same old corral
Looking for a honky-tonk gal
Trying to cut one from the herd
Ov'r music try'n to be heard

Might rope us a honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
We show up night after night
Keeping the prize in our sight
Looking at the same old stock
Always watching that old clock
(A better line would be "While sipping our water and scotch")

Might lasso some honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
We'll make the same circle (rounds)
And saddle up to a table (Checking the place like smart bloodhounds)
Go for the eight second ride(Want to find a gal that's cool)
Take all the bruises in stride (Without acting like a fool)

Fall off (Might win us) a honey tonight

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

DROPS OF WATER ON THE GLASS
This song has potential but it's too long with too many verses. The writer needs to get to the heart of the
story.

VERSE
She met him when they were young
(And) fell in love at first sight
They had to be together
Not caring what was wrong or right

(this verse doesn't add to the story)
The day came when they were married
Promised until death they would depart
Would try to raise a family
Not knowing where they would start
(Instead give info that leads to the chorus like this.
(They married and had a son
Theirs was a loving familyhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
But at eighteen he left home
To join the Army's infantry)

CHORUS
She sees drops of water falling
Running down the window glass
When she sees the car he's in
As his car begins to pass
Drops not of falling rain
But tears she can't restrain
(This chorus left me confused. Where was she when she saw his car pass? In another car? I'm guessing this was a funeral procession but it's not clear. Give us details and let the listeners feel her pain.

VERSE
(These next two verses aren't needed at all. They add nothing to the story)
Days turned to months and months into years
Times had changed but their loving still remained
Each day they grew together
Through problems where love was strained

They had a child though separate by time of war
They did the bet that they could do
To raise their child in a house of love
They were there for him through the years he grew

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE
The day fell upon them when their son would leave
Their son went to fight a war
A war where he would not return
They needed one another even more that they did before
(This verse is too wordy and not conversational. This is better
So their son went to fight a war (or in Iraq)
But he would not come back
He would get the purple heart
For bravery under attack)

(You don't need this next verse. End the song with the chorus)
Life had blessed them with other children to love
The others never replaced their son
But they loved them as they did
They were still a family, even minus one

(I chose this song only because of the story and it's potential. But this writer need to write more conversationally and with better imagery. Meters need to match and if she or he wants to improve, join a songwriting organization, go to seminars and read a book on lyric writing)

THIRD PLACE

TIME WILL ONLY TELL
(Thousands of songs have been written on this same subject. To make a song stand out, you have to put a new spin on it. This song is pretty generic. I will critique as I type the song)

VERSE
There is a reason (On that spring day) I met you
You brought a smile instantly(leave out instantly) to my face
I fell in love with you so quickly
I knew everything was going to be okay
(I knew this love would not erase)
(Where are the rhymes?)

You said you'd take care of me (care for me) forever
With all the love in your heart
I believed in you so much, baby
(And I believed you spoke the truth)
So I thought we'd never part (Pretty cliche)

CHORUS
Time will only tell, baby
If we have another chance
Time will only tell
If God changes the circumstances
Time will only tell
If you'll call me your baby...
again

VERSE
My heart hurts now more than ever
My eyes burn up with tears
I thought we would be together
For the rest of all our years

(Don't need this next verse)
Being apart is so hard
But I will try to be strong
I want more than anything
To be held again in your arms

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
For now I hold on to hope
That we will be alright
And our paths will cross again
And we'll dance into the night

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG
For now I'll hold on to hope
And we'll dance into the night

HONORABLE MENTION

WHAT WAS LEFT I PAID THE LAWYERS
This could be a really cute song but it is much too long and wordy. Keep your sentences shorter in the verses and get to a clever chorus. The chorus could be better such as:
Our emotions ran the course
We paid the price of divorce
I got the bills, she got the rest
I paid the lawyers with what was left-

Summer 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

2009-01-19T13:43:00.004-06:00

1. The Last Line by Mike Parrish, LaGrange, GA
2. Handy Heart by Kenna Zishka, Austin, Tx
3. Cheer On Our Country's Behalf by Genell Kelso
HM Strut My Country by Agnes "Gretta" Buntain, Cecilia, KY

FIRST PLACE

THE LAST LINE by Mike Parrish
I will critique as I type the lyrics

VERSE 1
Dad said it had been months (Dad forgot how long) but I knew it'd been years (it was a year)
Since he found his new wife and left mom and me here
And he seemed so (leave out so) surprised that I'd gotten so tall
As he read (the) heights he'd marked with some(leave out some) lines on the wall

VERSE 2
So he drew a new line with the date and my name
Above the older ones that are all spaced the same
The new mark made it clear there was a hole in time
With too many inches since he drew the last line

CHORUS
There have been too many inches
Since he drew the last line
Like rungs that are missing
On this ladder in time
And there on the wall
It's not hard to find
There have been too many inches
Since he drew the last line

VERSE 3
And now he is asking to be back in my life
Mom thinks that I should but it's for me to decide
And I can forgive him, to forgive is divine
But I'm going to wait till I see some more lines
(REWROTE THIS VERSE SEE BELOW)
And now he's saying he wants to keep in touch
That he misses me and loves me so much
Can I forgive him...the decision is mine
But I'm going to wait 'till I see some more lines

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
At two foot three, I rode on his feet
At two foot eight, played hide and seek
At three foot two, I learned to play ball
At three foot nine, no more lines on the wall

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG
There have been too many inches
Since he drew the last line

This is a very original song but I wonder if it has to be a child that sings it. Maybe it can be changed into a memory of what he remembers in his relationship with his dad but it is a well written song.

SECOND PLACE

HANDY HEART by Kenna Zishka

This has a catchy title and a good message.

VERSE 1
My grandfather was a good with tools
He could fix most anything
A bicycle, an old pair of skates
Anything I (folks) would bring him(leave off him and rhyme anything with bring)
Yet he would always tell me

CHORUS
It's best to have a handy heart
One that can see
Others in difficulty(not very singable)
One that can forgive
Always to live
In the joy of today
He would always say
It's best to have a handy heart
(I REWROTE THIS SEE BELOW)
It's best to have a handy heart
Reach out your hand
To help the needy
Learn to forgive
Never become greedy
He would always say
Fix each problem that comes your way
It's best to have a handy heart

VERSE 2
My grandfather was good with cars (engines)
He could tune up any kind of engine (car)
A sports car (an old clunker), a pickup truck
Another old clunker running again (Even a classic Jaguar)
Yet he would tell me

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
Over the years
I saw his skill so tender (I witnessed his skills)
And when I think of him (But his kind heart)
I will always remember (Remains with me still)

REPEAT CHORUS

Good visuals in the verses. The Chorus should play up how his grandfather helped fix peoples lives. Don't be general, be specific. Good luck with it.

THIRD PLACE

CHEER ON OUR COUNTRY'S BEHALF by Genell Kelso

CHORUS
If ever we needed a laugh
If ever we needed a smile
If we ever needed cheer on our country's behalf
It's now...we can't wait awhile (while our country's on trial) I like this line better

VERSE 1
When times are tough
We each feel the weights of the world growing bigger and heavier on every shoulder (pretty long line)
When times are tough
Though we thought we were still in pretty good shape, we're now feeling much tireder and older(lines need to be shortened and excess words cut out. Is there such a word as "tireder"?)
Can't take steady diets of news that keeps going from BAD to WORSE to WORSE (cut last worse out)
We need at least some happy stuff to be able to cope with "Who's on First"

REPEAT CHORUS
We may be part of the problem, but now can be part of the solution, unblinking
(We can be part of the solution and soon the problem will be shrinking)
So now (it's the time) is the time for positive values and all of (leave" all of "out) our creative thinking
We know we'll need wisdom: We don't want more gunnery; don't want to hide in a nunnery
(We can all volunteer and become active players)
Now is the time for all good thoughts to come to the aid of our country
(Help out the needy, become better neighbors)

BRIDGE
Worry and stress can limit your mind
A cheerful brain's likelier answers to find(hard to say much less sing)
(So a cheerful heart is a good sign)

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG
Our country, cheer for thee...cheer

HONORABLE MENTION

STRUT MY COUNTRY by Gretta Buntain
It's got 9 great verses but no chorus.It could be a cute song if he or she cut out about 4 verses and added a chorus. Right now it's just a poem.

Fall Lyric Contest

2008-10-31T11:34:00.002-05:00

Next Deadline Jan. 13th

Spring 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

2008-07-01T12:11:00.004-05:00

1. Waitress In An All Night Diner by Michael Hollingsworth, LA, CA
2. Gas Food & Lovin' Next Right by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, TX
3. Of Wives & Men by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD
HM It's So Good To Have You Home by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

First Place

WAITRESS IN AN ALL NIGHT DINNER by Michael Hollingsworth

(I'll critique as I type the song. This song has a lot of good
images but I think it would be better if written in 3rd person instead of 1st.
Some singers might not want to be identified as a waitress)

VERSE 1

I's four o'clock in the morning
Time to lipstick my (her) smile
Get the coffee up and perking
I (she) hopes this rain stops in a while
Soon the bacon will be frying
As the trucks come roarin' in
I'll (she'll) tell the boys a joke or two
Just to get them to grin

CHORUS

'Cause I'm (she's) the waitress
In the all night diner
Making tips from the truckers and the miners
I'd (she'd) like to somehow change my (her) life
Be someone's mother, someone's wife
But until the day I (she) do (does)
What can I (she) get for you

VERSE 2

The sun breaks through the rain drops
As the boys start filin' in
Wanting biscuits and gravy
Served by the gal they call a friend
I (she) knows the names of their children
Sweethearts and their wives
They send me (her) cards on my (her) Birthday
Like I'm (she's) part of their lives

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would make this a bridge because the meters don't match the first
2 verses and you could change it musically)

Oh, my(her) feet ache
And there's the heartbreak
From some old love affair
That showed me (her) love ain't so true (that don't end happily or happier)I
like this line better
Oh, the night's so cold and I (she) feels old
Cause no one's holding me(her)
(I would leave out the next two lines)
There's more to life than working
I'm (she's) a woman who needs holding too

REPEAT CHORUS

2nd Place Winner

GAS, FOOD AND LOVIN' - NEXT RIGHT by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx

I will critique as I type. First of all, I would change the title to Good
Food, Good Lovin' - Next Right. The word GAS isn't relevant to the
story...He's in a hurry to get home and doesn't stop for gas. Also the lines
containing the title should be changed to the new title.

VERSE 1

The sun went (sun's gone) down and I'm roaring down the highway
(So please) Get outta my way (meters need to match all verses)
It's been three long weeks since I last saw my baby
(Yeah,) I can hardly wait
But a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

VERSE 2

I'm a travelin' man I love life on the road
But love my baby, too
Without a good woman, the nights sure get cold
Leavin' is hard to do
But just a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

BRIDGE

Runnin' on empty
Gettin' by on fumes
No stoppin' me now]
Gonna be there soon

VERSE 3

A big juicy steak with a kiss on the side
(That's what's) waiting for me
A cold glass of beer and a tight pair of jeans
How lucky can I be?
Just a few more miles of East Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, Honey
Next right

This is a cute country song that could be commercial. Good job!

3rd Place Winner

OF WIVES AND MEN by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD

Lots of songs have been written with this theme but you did craft a good
song.

VERSE 1

Laughter was our best medicine
Through sickness and in health
Now she's just sick of me
She's laughing with someone else

VERSE 2

We came a long way (together)
But now she's gone too far
Am I the last man on earth (she wanted instead of on earth)
Or just the last drunk at the bar

CHORUS

Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and of(leave"of" out here) lovers and friends
You love and you learn and life says when
(the best laid plans just fall apart
And cause the breaking of lover's hearts) These 2 lines are better
Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and lovers and friends
Of wives and men and lovers and friends (Leave this line out)
Sometimes the best place to start over is at the very end (shorten this line)

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out altogether. How many men named Billy
Ray are there!) And the meters don't match.

Someone happened
Somewhere along the way
His first name was Billy
His last name was Ray

VERSE 4

Guess all our fights kept adding up
I was never good at math
But how did my best friend
Fall in love with my better half

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

The future's not what it used to be
The future's not what it used to be (instead say We never know what's in
store)
One thing is for sure
The future's not what it used to be...anymore

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

This is a poignant song with a good message. It's a little wordy and I would
try shortening some of the lines without losing the story.

Winter 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

2008-05-07T14:42:00.002-05:00

Winter 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

Semifinalists
Forty Miles From Dallas by George Pucini, Las Vegas, NV
I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here by Mike Parrish, LaGrange, GA
With A Smile And A Lie by Kennan Zishka, Austin, TX
Livin' My Life On The Radio by George Pucini, Las Vegas, NV

First of all, there were a lot of good entries this time and it was hard to choose. Judges comments are in intalics through the lyrics and following.

1st Place

FORTY MILES FROM DALLAS by George Pucini
I might add or subtract a word to make
the meters match.

VERSE
(I'm) forty miles from Dallas
Rainin' on the roof of my car
Been trav'lin the back roads of Texas
Makin' like a country star
But ev'ry mile supplyin'
Just empty rooms and grimy bars
And too many nights spent tryin'
To write my name among the stars

PRE CHORUS
So I'm headin' back to Dallas
From ev'ry lonely one-night stand
I'm forty miles from Dallas
And lovin' for this one-man band

CHORUS
And there's forty miles before me
Til I'm in your arms again
Forty miles before me
Back to where it's warm again
I'm forty miles from Dallas
Forty miles from Dallas
And forty miles from your lovin' arms again

VERSE
These back road bars ain't friendly
And ev'ry night's the same old songs
(I've been livin')...but been dyin'
In places where (leave where out) I don't belong
So I'm headin' back to Dallas
Ain't havin' no more one-night stands
(So) I'm headin' back to Dallas
And closin' up this one-man band

REPEAT PRE CHORUS AND CHORUS

TAG
And forty miles from your lovin' arms again

This is a great country song with good imagery. You did a good job on matching
meters, too. Good luck with it.

2nd Place

I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE by Mike Parrish
I liked this song because of it's originality. I will critique it as I type.

VERSE
I am a few throw pillows short of all moved in
My daughter's at her car getting the rest of them
The man cross the hall has a blank look on his face
I guess from too many years at this old folk's place (He's probably spent too many
years at this old folk's place)
This reminds me of my (baby) girl's first trip to day care
And how it was so hard for me to leave her there
But she was the strong one as she wiped off (away) my tears
She said (Saying) "Momma, I think I'm gonna like it here

CHORUS
It's not like back(this is hard to sing..say "So it's not like") when I was a child
When my mother (momma) raised all of us kids
And gramps and grandma moved in to stay
For just as long as they both would live
Now there's strangers keeping our kinfolk (loved ones)
The young and old ones are on their own
I wish Day Care was a family
And Assisted Living was a home

VERSE
My daughter says she'll come visit every day
But me being here says it can't happen that way (But I know that it just can't
happen that way)
She's got her husband and her career and her kids
Too many irons in the fire the same way I did
To life her spirits I said an old phrase of mine
"When you come to see me (visit), we'll have quality time"
But I have to be strong, so I wipe off (away) her tears
And say "Baby, I think I'm gonna like it here"

BRIDGE
From my mother's generation to generations not yet named (born)
It's the mothers and their daughters that help each other with the pain
(It's the mother and daughter relationship that helps weather the storm)

REPEAT CHORUS

Judges Comments

This is a good song with an original "hook". It might be a little wordy so if you
could find a way to shorten some of the lines, it would help. They are all about
the same length. Keep writing.

3rd Place

WITH A SMILE AND A LIE by Kennan Zishka

VERSE
So many times
You turned to walk away (You weren't sure you loved me)
So sure you couldn't stay (Didn't think that you could stay)
So many tears
Overflowed from my heart
All my fears unguarded (The day you turned to walk away)

CHORUS
So now I'll say goodbye
With a smile and a lie
About how I'll be alright
About how I'll get by
Yeah, I'll be OK
Living every day
With a smile and a lie

VERSE
So many dreams
Held together by a promise
That's now an empty wish
So many words
I've heard a hundred echoes
That only my voice knows (Guess love is sometimes a big risk)

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
It's time to pretend
Time can mend
A heart that doesn't know
When it will beat again

REPEAT CHORUS

Judges Comments
Tho there are a lot of songs written about "lies", this is a well written song and
the "smile and lie" theme gives it a new twist. Good luck with it.

HONORABLE MENTION

LIVIN' MY LIFE ON THE RADIO
This song has potential but you need to keep the same chorus throughout...don't
change the last chorus.
Put the chorus between each 6 line verse. If it's too long, remove a verse.

LYRIC CONTEST RULES

2008-05-07T14:33:00.002-05:00

DSA LYRIC CONTEST

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - 2nd Tuesday in March
Spring - 2nd Tuesday in June
Summer - 2nd Tuesday in September
Fall - 2nd Tuesday in December

PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

Bring your entries to the meeting or mail to us:
Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest % Sammons Center for the Arts
3630 Harry Hines Blvd. Box 20, Dallas, TX 75219

DSA LYRIC CONTEST FALL 2007

2008-03-02T23:40:00.008-06:00

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - 2nd Tuesday in March
Spring - 2nd Tuesday in June
Summer - 2nd Tuesday in September
Fall - 2nd Tuesday in December

PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

Fall 2007 Contest Winners
(see below for lyrics and judges critiques)

1st Place Memories on a Silent Night
by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx
2nd Place The Loneliest Lonely
by Mike Hyden, Ralston, ME
3rd Place The Cars We Drive
by Craig St Clair, Carrollton, Tx
HM Black and White
by Mike Hyden, Ralston, ME

Next Contest Deadline for the Winter Lyric Contest:
March 11th, 2008
Bring your entries to the meeting or mail to us:
Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest % Sammons Center for the Arts
3630 Harry Hines Blvd. Box 20, Dallas, TX 75219

SEE BELOW FOR WINNERS
OF THE FALL LYRIC CONTEST

FIRST PLACE

Memories on a Silent Night
By Katy Dunn

Verse 1
No little ones are sleeping in the bedroom up the stairs
It's Christmas Eve and here I sit in my favorite easy chair
Computers, phones and gift cards are addressed to Dad and me
But no cookies wait for Santa beside the Christmas tree

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

Verse 2
We helped Santa put the toys together working far too late
With laughter and hot coffee to keep us both awake
We smuggled in the puppy when the kids all went to bed
Tied big red bows on brand new bikes and a teddy bear named Fred

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

Verse 3
We barely closed our eyes when we heard footsteps in the hall
From tiny little slippered feet as daybreak came to call
So many presents there for us beneath the Christmas tree
But the blessing that I treasured most was our loving family

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

JUDGES COMMENTS
This is a well crafted holiday song. My only suggestion is that you shorten some of the lines but still say the same thing.

SECOND PLACE

(Judges Comments in Parenthesis)

The Loneliest Lonely
By Mike Hyden

Verse 1
Bustling sidewalks, the reason is clear
Holiday shoppers, the season is here
Arms full of packages, hearts full of cheer
As the snow starts to fall through the air

Here I am dreaming, an ocean apart
Warm cards and letters tear into my heart
Wond'ring how Santa could let Christmas start
Without first making sure I was there
(I want to know why he/she isn't there. Perhaps he/she is a soldier in the Middle East. That would make a good story)

Chorus
Oh, the loneliest lonely is being away
At the (this) time of year only Saint Nicholas (Santa..it's more singable) should stray
And I feel just as far as the Bethlehem star
When I'm not there to share Christmas day

Verse 2
(I would leave this verse out because it makes the song too long)
A stocking for certain with my name attached
Missing some candy, a child yet to catch (not conversational)
Look for the crook with the chocolate mustache
And you'll find an angel instead

Family members arrive from the cold
Warm-hearted greetings, a sight to behold
Peeling off layers, the fire's burning bold
I can picture it all in my head

Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
Caroling children, engaged in a song
Everyone gathers to all sing along
Sooner than later, out appetites strong (Appetites are growing, it won't be long)
Let the Holiday dinner bell ring

Warm buttered muffins with cranberry jam
Overstuffed turkeys, a honey-cured ham
Salads and legumes(veggies) and sweet candied yams
It's a Christmas feast fit for a king

Repeat Chorus

Verse 4 or Bridge
Then by the tree, once that dinner is done
Opening presents, the magic's begun
Four generations behaving as one (That's a lot of generations )
As the spirit of Christmas prevails

(I think this last verse or bridge should say something about how he can picture it but he wishes he was there to join in the festivities. Make this song more personal...not just a review of what families do at Christmas. The images are good, but you need to insert the singer in these images...like how much he misses Mom's pecan pie, hugs as warm as the fire, Uncle Ed's corny jokes, etc. In other words, personalize it.)

THIRD PLACE

The Cars We Drive
By Craig St Clair

(This is a great hook but you need to shorten your lines. In the Chorus, the 3rd line "We live our lives we laugh and cry", I would change to "And we changed our lives like we changed our cars")

HONORABLE MENTION

Black and White
By Mike Hyden

(The idea here is a good one if you can do it without sounding preachy. I would leave out the verses about rival gangs. The first 2 verses are very good because they are more personal. The chorus is also good. It's a long song so I would skip to the verse that starts with "The color of a person's skin" )