WINTER 2011 WINNERS ANNOUNCED

SEMIFINALISTS

Award Winning Angel by Larry Dodge, Dallas, TX

The Homecoming Dance by Lisa Simmons, Lewisville, TX

Crumbs by Dom Stasi, Willow Springs, IL

The Brothers by Sammie Lee Marler, Brunswick, GA

WINNERS

 I will critique as I type.  If a word or phrase is in parenthesis, remove and replace with my suggestion.

FIRST PLACE

AWARD-WINNING ANGEL by Larry Dodge

This song lends itself to the realities of today.  I like the images and the rhyme pattern is unique by rhyming the first 3 lines and not the 4th.  It has too many verses so I shortened it.

VERSE 1

Well, I was just comin' to when I heard her curse

Nothing too nasty, yeah, I've heard a lot worse

Just spicy language from a military nurse

When I looked up I saw five of her

VERSE 2

All ten of her hands had dropped my trays of meds

And a ward full of wounded all turned their heads

Another excuse to watch her from their beds

She was a (beauty to behold, for sure) real beauty to be sure

(Where the VA found her no one had a clue

But she renewed our faith in the red, white and blue)

Make the next 2 lines a PRE CHORUS

She had the face of an angel and a great body, too

There wasn't (much) any cure that she couldn't (cure) do

CHORUS

She was a ward-winning angel

Because of her we learned to pray

That when our bodies recovered

From the wounds we had suffered

She'd take us to heaven some day

I changed the chorus to this:

She was a ward-winning angel

And I really do feel

Her heavenly smile

Helped my wounds heal

She'd squeeze my hand saying"you'll be good as new"

The soldiers all loved her and she loved us, too

She was a ward-winning angel

VERSE 3

One day an officer came into our ward

In his dress uniform, complete with a sword

If she was an angel, then he was her lord

(But she didn't leave us in the cold) She introduced him to us all

I'd remove the next verse to shorten the song

(No, she introduced him to everyone there

He saw how we loved her but he didn't care

It was clear as diamonds that they were a pair

We weren't all that surprised, truth be told)

VERSE 4

Outside our windows a marching band played

To honor the sacrifice we men had made

She walked him outside, he rejoined the parade

Then our angel returned to the (fold) ward

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

THE HOMECOMING DANCE by Lisa Simmons

This is a sweet sentimental song but it's too long. I also thought the last verse jumped too many decades so I changed it in keeping with the theme. The verses are too long, try shortening to 6 lines.

VERSE 1

It's her first date

And the dress is just right

It'll be her first dance

Without daddy tonight

Little girls now young ladies

The boys seem like men

The pictures remind us

Of where the time went

CHORUS

It's the homecoming dance

Twirl around on the floor

Time goes so quickly

(We) They want so much more

(How can we hold on

To the time that we have)

How can they hold on 

To their first romance

Keep this feeling forever

Of the homecoming dance

VERSE 2

He left last September

To fight for us all

They cried knowing their son

Would be born late that fall

Now it's a year later

And the time passed so slow

He can't wait to see them

And hold them both close

BRIDGE

This bridge is too long

(Time is so precious

With those that we love

Can we just stop the world from turning

Let's keep all the memories

We have in our minds

And when we get to the end

Just rewind)

Their Homecoming Photo

is hung in the hall

Bringing back memories

They love to recall

REPEAT CHORUS  All the choruses should match

VERSE 3

(They were married forever

It seemed all their lives

She fell asleep first

He played out his time

The one quiet evening

As if it were planned

He slipped away softly

As he stretched out his hand)

Replace with this..much happier

It's their High School reunion

And they're on the gym floor

Twirling and dancing

To the music once more

Their love has lasted

 Through the laughter and tears

Holding on to those memories

Throughout all the years

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

CRUMBS by Dom Stasi

I loved the title and the 1st verse but the 2nd verse wasn't as strong.  The song's a little short so maybe you could add a 3rd verse.  But a well written song.

VERSE

Rainy days are here at last

Them paychecks never disappeared so fast

Upside down in a house of cards

We're burning through the cash buried in the yards

PRE-CHORUS

Right down to the core, it's clear as day

Baseball, hot dogs, Chevrolet...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

VERSE

Poorly managed, managed anger

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

Still have my pride, and above all

Got faith, hope, and the greatest of 'em all

PRE-CHORUS

The bridge is out ahead, it's make or break

And all about the choices we make...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

HONORABLE MENTION

THE BROTHERS by Sammie Lee Marler

I loved the story, all the rhyme patterns and the imagery...but to be a good song, it needs to have a chorus. Just add a couple of short, catch  lines between every 2 verses. It could be a good folk song.

Fall 2010 Winners

FALL 2010 WINNERS

SEMIFINALISTS

CARDBOARD DADDY

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

SOMETHIN' BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

LET'S GAMBLE ON US

by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW?)

by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

FIRST PLACE

CARDBOARD DADDY by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

I will critique as I type. This is a clever song and speaks to us all. The words or lines in parenthesis should be removed but I've also added a word here and there to make the meters match. The song is pretty long and each verse should be trimmed to 6 lines. I trimmed the chorus. It's a great song but it really needs to be shortened. Look for at least 2 lines in each verse that could be removed.

VERSE 1

The pretty young wife cried softly

The red tail lights faded away

He was off to the front lines

A brave young Green Beret

She recalled a childhood memory

A fateful knock on the door

Her father was a soldier too

But he didn't make it home from war

VERSE 2

Their son wanted to see daddy

She found a creative way

Made a life-sized cardboard photo

They saw him every day

(There were lots of fun memories

Cardboard daddy was there for them all

A birthday party, a touchdown catch

And many games of tee-ball)

He never missed a party

A Christmas or tee-ball

Yes, he was there for them all

CHORUS

So if you see a man in uniform

Walk up and shake his hand

(And thank the hero next to him

The one driving a mini-van)

Cause behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

Though our gratitude is genuine

(But) Her sacrifice is real

VERSE 3

It was career day in 1st grade

Each child got to speak

The fathers sat at a (blue) table

Cardboard Daddy took a seat

(The boy) He said "My daddy's in Afghanistan

For 7 months he's been away..."

Then a loud knock on the door

Stopped what he had to say

VERSE 4

In walked a handsome soldier

Wearing a smile and a Green Beret

(The little boy) He cried out "Daddy"

And ran to him right away

They hugged each other tightly

Tears filled everyone's eyes

Mom watched from the corner

She had planned the whole surprise

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE This should come before the 2nd chorus

Every child and father rose

Gave the soldier a standing ovation

He joined them at the (blue) table

(And) Sent Cardboard Daddy on vacation

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

Oh yes, behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

SECOND PLACE

SOMETHIN' 'BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

This is a cute song but way too long. I've added a few words to make the meters match but I've mostly tried to shorten your song by removing lines and verses. I'll put these in parenthesis.

VERSE 1

I have sailed the globe

On those Navy ships

Seen lots of pretty girls

Yeah, kissed a few lips

Take his verse out

VERSE 2

(Those brown-eyed senoritas

Made me look twice

Met blond Swedish girls

That could melt the ice)

VERSE 3

But the prettiest girls

I ever did see

Were all back home

In (Alabama) Tennessee

CHORUS This needs to be condensed and I made it shorter and catchier

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

(Tan legs with daisy dukes

Big hair and cowboy boots

She makes pecan pie

Writes thank you notes

Cuter then hell

Laughs at your jokes)

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 3

Take this verse out

(I drove to Mississippi

Just to hear those girls talk

Crowned Ms. South Carolina

Just to see her walk)

REPLACE IT WITH THIS

Texas girls are smart

With good looks to match

If you could lasso one

You'd have quite a catch

VERSE 4

Ain't nothin' sweeter

Than a Georgia peach

Florida girls are hot

Bikinis on the beach

REPEAT CHORUS...My version

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up in pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 5

Take this verse out...you don't need it or put in a short 2 line bridge

(Saw a Kentucky cheerleader

Sippin bourbon from a cup

Threw some beads in Louisiana

Girl pulled her t-shirt up)

REPEAT CHORUS starting with You gotta love 'em

TAG

Yes, wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

THIRD PLACE

LET'S GAMBLE ON US by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

This is a cute song but instead of 8 verses of 3 lines, make 4 verses of 6 lines each or 2 verses on 8 lines.

It's still going to be a little long.

HONORABLE MENTION

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW) by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

A good country song and I was surprised at the answer.

SuMMER 2010 WINNERS

I will critique as I type. Words in brackets should be removed and I might substitute other words or lines.

FIRST PLACE

BLUE CRAYONS WRITE THE BEST by Mario Spinosa

This is a clever title and sentiment but I was disappointed when I got to the chorus and read the line "it's not where I belong". You need to make this soldier strong, proud and patriotic for the message to resonate with an audience. You also have too many "ands" in your song

VERSE 1

The card said (season's greetings)"how I miss you" and the picture was of them

Little Jimmy smiling with my wife (holding) next to him

On the bottom of the card was a note there just for me

It was printed in blue crayon (with) though the words were hard to read

CHORUS

It said, I love you, daddy, even though you're far away

I hope that you'll come home soon and (I wish) this time that you'll stay

I learned to write since you've been gone, mom is helping me with this

And I hope you like the color, blue crayons write the best

VERSE 2

This war has taken me away (and), I've been gone (for much) far too long

A soldier's life is what I chose, (but it's not where I belong) my commitment is still strong

My eyes began to fill with tears (and), a lump rose in my throat

As I read again the crayon words my little Jimmy wrote

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

I know he's growing up too fast, (and) I wish that I was there

(And the life I always dreamed of is not the life I'm living here)

So just stand tall and wait for me and say a little prayer

Then (so) I bought myself some crayons, (and) I knew which one to use

(And) I wrote a letter back to him in crayon colored blue

CHORUS

I said "I love you, Jimmy, even though I'm far away

I'll be coming home soon and this time (you know I'll) I'm gonna stay

You learned to write since I've been gone (and I thank your mom for this)and I am so impressed

And yes, I like the color...blue crayons write the best"

SECOND PLACE

NOW SON, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY by Melina Barnett

This is a sweet song that most people can identify with...but your verses are 7 lines long and most verses are 4, 6 or 8 lines. I think you need to shorten the verses.

VERSE 1

Need to share just how I feel

Put it in a song ...make it real

Want the tears to wash over me

With memories of how things used to be

Don't want to (listen to) hear what strangers say

It's still too soon

Please let me hide away

PRE CHORUS

Want to thank him for the time he gave me

The arms he offered when all else failed me

I'm angry and (feel) know it's all too late

Just feel like the dream is dead

(There are no rhymes in this pre-chorus)

CHORUS

Just feel like the dream is dead

Thoughts spinning round my head

Want to stop the world and walk away

Back to him and hear him say

Now Son,

Tomorrow is another day

VERSE 2

Need to (look at his picture) read the letters that he kept (picture didn't rhyme)

(And where he always slept) Touch the bed where he slept

His soft voice (like a song) rewinds in my head

(Need to smell his hair, touch his hand) I still can't believe that he is dead

(Laugh at life as we share our plans) Sit and talk by the old fireplace

Oh, (want) to be a kid again

Count the lines (round) on his face

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

If I can fill his shoes, I'd walk with pride

As my father stepped through life with God on his side

I need some space so let me be

(Because) When my father died

Something died in me

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

FLY FREE by Butch Schindel

Even though it's a sad song, it is well written and your meters match well. Verse 4 should be a bridge.

Good song!

HONORABLE MENTION

ZEKE by Ron Walthall

This is a very original song and well crafted. I think I would expand the chorus to several lines such as "Zeke is a preacher man and he'll tell you about God's plan"

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest Winners

SEMIFINALISTS

I Threw It Away by Matt Abell, Stroudsburg, PA

Music Carry Me by Donna Lisa, Westfield, NJ

Katrina by Mark Crisp, Arroyo Grande, CA

Whiskey Wins by Donna Scoggins, Dallas, Tx

WINNERS

First Place...I Threw It Away

I will critique as I type.

I THREW IT AWAY © Matt Abell

VERSE

I dragged the box out to the trash

And struggled with the weight

The memories, they didn't last

But took up so much space

So many silly souvenirs

I see them now and cry

I held onto them all these years

But can't remember why

CHORUS

I threw my heart away today

It lay there next to yesterday's

Sour milk and spoiled eggs (meat)

There was nothing left in it (to keep)

So I threw it away

VERSE

The figurine that fell and cracked

The broken vase you gave

I tried to glue the pieces back

But they never fit the same

(b etter verse)

The figurine that fell and broke

My favorite one from you

But like my heart it wouldn't mend

No matter how much glue

/"We faded like these photographs

Tarnished like this ring

The shine wore off, so did the laughs (love)

So impercepitibly (The heartache it would bring)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

You used to be so dear to me

But love is strange like that (But love can change so fast)

In time it changes everything (Sometimes it's really hard to see

And (When) treasure turns to trash

REPEAT CHORUS

Second Place...Music Carry Me

MUSIC CARRY ME © Donna Lisa

VERSE

(Remove words in brackets)

You gave me two children, (you) gave me your love

At least I thought you did

But you were (just) taking me for a (slow) ride

And keeping you motives (well) hid

You took my money and most of my pride

The kids begged "Daddy stay"

You took almost all that I had (But I've still got one thing left)

That you can't take away

CHORUS (chorus needs to be the same throughout the song. Your chorus is too long

Music carry me through

I'm a sad and broken old friend

Music carry me through

Help me get back on my feet again

You sang a ballad llike nobody else

Sang it soft and low

Add (When you were part of my musical show)

(Leave these next lines out)

Beautiful lady, I asked you to join me and sing in my musical show

I'd been traveling and singing for years

While you were fresh and new

You turned to me for advice and each night

I grew closer and closer to you

VERSE

I kn ow people laughed when we (first) said our vows

"He's much too old for her"

But nobody dared to say straight to my face (But no one said nary a word)

"Hey, she's after you money, (for sure) sir

(Besides) I don't pay mind to gossip (and talk), I do just what I feel( Shorten this line)

( Your love had just consummed me

And knocked me on my heels

But for you, it wasn't real)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE

It's been years (months) since you left (me) for good

I heard you sing last night

(Sat in the first row and) Watched the audience whistled and cheer (with delight)

I caught your eye for a moment or two (You were doing everything right)

Your smile was flushed (perfect) and sweet

Then your head turned and you smiled the same way (But I've seen that look many times)

At a man sitting right next to me (It's just another repeat)

(Chock full of loving deceit)

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place...Katrina © Mark Crisp

Good imagery in this song but you had no rhyme pattern. You need to rhyme either the 1st & 3rd lines or the 2nd & 4th lines. Also make sure your meters match in each of the verses.

Since this is the 5th anniversary of that terrible storm, improve the song and put it on you tube.

Honorable Mention....Whiskey Wins © Donna Scoggins

NEXT LYRIC CONTEST DEADLINE

SPETEMBER 30, 2010

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - March 31
Spring - June 30
Summer - September 30
Fall - December 31


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

WINTER /SPRING 2010 CONTEST Closed - entries being judged (Winter was combined with Spring, because there were only a few entries for winter.)

Winter/Spring 2010 Lyric Contest

Currently in the judging process. Stay tuned.

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