Enter Today.

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine! Enter The Dallas Songwriters Quarterly Lyric Contest Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines: Winter - March 31 * Spring - June 30 * Summer - September 30 * Fall - December 31


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED

Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:

RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!

ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives:

A certificate, $50 cash and a 1 year DSA membership.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes” and on the DSA Website.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Winners of 2013 Fall Lyric Contest


SEMIFINALISTS
He Didn't Need Much by Dana Young, Anthony, KS
Mr. James Brown and Me by John Thomas Lane, Monument, CO
Three Feet Tall by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
There's Still Some Cowboy Somewhere in Me by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
A Whole Lot More Than Strangers by Paul Bernstein, Ann Arbor, MI
The Real Thing by Paul Bernstein, Ann Arbor, MI
Too Late Now by Paul Kostal, Brisbane, Australia
Rambler From Tascosa by Paul Bernstein, Ann Arbor, MI


FIRST PLACE

A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN STRANGERS Paul Bernstein, Ann Arbor, MI
 Judge 1
This is an interesting song and I didn't change much. I'll put in parenthesis what I'm taking out and replacing with another line. I changed a few lines to make meters match.

VERSE 1
The wine was flowing freely
The band was paying loud
I guess it's true that we both knew
What this was all about
Now the party's over
There's no need to pretend
We're a whole lot more than strangers
And a whole lot less than friends

CHORUS
We're a whole lot more than strangers
The way we loved last night
Now I don't know which way to go
Or how to make it right
It's a long, long way from lonely
To get to where we've been
We're a whole lot more than strangers
And a whole lot less than friends

VERSE 2
I watch you move (around) in the room
I watch you brush your hair
And slowly go to pick up clothes
All scattered everywhere
(Could this be the beginning
Or the beginning of the end)
Is this the beginning
Or is this going to end
We're a whole lot more than strangers
And a whole lot less than friends

REPEAT CHORUS

Judge 2
 A country type song with an interesting take on a one night stand situation that make you think about what direction such things might go.  I like the comination of a tongue-in-cheek expression like "we're a whole lot more than strangers" with the expression of sadness of being "a whole lot less than friends" at the same time.  Excellent phrasing and cadence and rhyme scheme, with good originality, emotional impact, appeal, focus and form.

Judge 3
Great use of imagery and phrasing.  

SECOND PLACE

HE DIDN'T NEED MUCH by Dana Young, Anthony, KS
Judge 1
I liked the poetic imagery of this song.

VERSE 1
As I stroll through the graveyard, all is peaceful and quiet
(It puts things in perspective, watching the sunset at twilight)
I gaze at the sky, watch the sunset at twilight
The leaves swirl around in the cool autumn breeze
And I stop at his headstone and drop to my knees

CHORUS
Oh, he didn't need much, just a home and some land
Friends around a campfire and a beer in his hand
He was somebody's son, somebody's brother
He was somebody's hero, and (a country life) somebody's lover

VERSE 2
I used to sit on his porchstep while he strummed his guitar
We'd sip a little Jack from a Mason fruit jar
He liked to watch Gunsmoke with his little old mutt
If he could see me cry now, he'd say ('Hey) "cowboy up"

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
He never cared much about fortune or fame
He'd say "rich men and poor men, they all bury the same"

REPEAT CHORUS

Judge 2 
 A country style song with excellent phrasing and cadence and rhyme scheme.  Good emotional impact, appeal,focus and form.

THIRD PLACE - TIE

THERE'S STILL SOME COWBOY, SOMEWHERE IN ME by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Judge 1
I loved the 1st verse but the 2nd verse needs to stick to the truck theme and the meters don't match. Remember, all the meters in the 2nd and 3rd verse need to match the 1st verse.  It's a cute song, it just needs a little improving.

Judge 2 
Good emotional impact and originality.
Judge 3
Good imagery, form. Like the cowboy wandering theme.

TOO LATE NOW by Paul Kostal, Brisbane, Australia
 Judge 2
A country style song with excellent emotional impact, phrasing and rhyme scheme, good originality.
Judge 3
This song drew me in from the start.  Very realistic subject matter, originality and phrasing as well.

HONORABLE MENTION

THREE FEET TALL by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
I loved the 1st two lines and think you need to combine those lines with the last 2 lines in the 2nd verse.  Then make this child more interesting in the other verses. The chorus is good but in the last line, change "that's" for "who's"

 Judge 3 
Needs a chorus between vs 1&2…add a bridge?

Thanks to Lyric Contest Director Nancy Rynders and Judges, Michael Brandenberger and Gigi Gostas

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Winners of the 2013 Summer Lyric Contest


SEMIFINALISTS
Sizzlin" by Dana Young, Anthony, KS
Handle With Care by Mario Spinosi, Eynon, PA
Friends by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Time Is An Illusion by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Arms Stronger Than Mine by Rachael Hughes, Markville, MN
Lunchbox Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
There's A Pill for That by Sarah Ashley, Maryville, TN

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

HANDLE WITH CARE
J1) This is a clever title and a fairly well written song. I put in parenthesis the word or phrases I'd leave out and replace them with my words.  Also, I made the teenagers older.
J2) Sweet song, nicely done. Why does 3rd verse have only 4 lines instead of 6? Could it be stronger with two more good lines? Overall, a nice generatiol cycle of lessons passed down.
J3) Good impact, hook, originality and appeal; very good focus and form, excellent phrasing.

VERSE 1
She was barely (eighteen) nineteen with a child of her own
She was out in the world, now she's living back home
(She) Cries out to her mom, what chance does he have
How can he grow up without knowing his dad
How can he survive with  this burden to bare
Her mother just said, "handle with care"

CHORUS
Handle with care, just treat him right
He's yours to love for the rest of your life
Be  there for him, show him love is to share
And he'll turn out right if you handle with care

VERSE 2
She watched as he grew, she watched and she prayed
She did what she could to keep the promise she made
Now he's barely (eighteen) twenty and he just met a girl
He says to his mom, "she's all I want in this world
What can I do to keep her love always there"
All that she said was "handle with care"

CHORUS 2  usually the chorus is the same throughout the song
Handle with care, just treat her right
She's yours to love for the rest of your life
Be there for her, show her love is to share
And you'll keep her love, if you handle with care

VERSE 3  I would make this a bridge because you only have 4 lines and verse 1 and 2 have 6 lines.  You have to have the same number of lines in each verse or you could add 2 more lines

Now he's holding his son, like his mother once did
He says to his mom, "I'll be there for him
I'll teach him to love and I'll teach him to share
I'll do what you did, I'll handle with care"

CHORUS 3
I'll handle with care, I'll just treat him right
He's mine to love for the rest of my life
I'll be there for him and show him love is to share
I'll do what she did, I'll handle with care

Repeat last line for emphasis

SECOND PLACE

SIZZLIN'
J1) This is a cute song with lots of imagery but make sure your meters match
J2) Very fun, well structured, nice wordplay. Only minor suggestions to consider: Use sizzlin' instead of flaming in 1st line of chorus so you get a repeat of your title word to drive it home. Reading the lines makes it sound like a few extra syllables could be omitted for a stronger rhythm (e.g. omit country and ever from 3rd line of chorus and rhythm is stronger), but I know this ultimately depends on how it is sung as to how well it works. Nice job.
J3) Good impact, appeal and focus; very good hook and originality; excellent phrasing and form

VERSE 1
We're sitting on the bank, fishing at the creek
Our lines dangling in the water and so are our feet
The sun is shining bright on our favorite spot
When you turn to me and say "baby, I'm hot"

CHORUS
Yeah, you're flaming, smoking fiery red hot
Like steam rising up from a boiling pot
You're the sexiest thing this country boy has ever seen
Kicking your feet in that cool, cool stream
And when you kiss my lips, I can almost hear them hissin'
Cause sssss...baby you're sizzlin'

VERSE 2
(You hit me on the shoulder) You turn around and say "that's not what I mean"
Then you roll up your (pantlegs) jeans and wade out in the stream
Splashing water on your body, then you take off your top
You look at me and say "I'm really, really hot"

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE ...I would make this VERSE 3
Now I know what you mean, I know what you're saying
It's a warm, warm day, a good day for playing
So let's work up a sweat, then go skinny dipping
Cause you're so doggone hot, (it makes me) I feel like strippin'

REPEAT CHORUS

I would add a
TAG
Come on, baby, heat up my arms
Maybe we'll set off some fire alarms
Cause sssss...baby, you're sizzlin'

THIRD PLACE

ARMS STRONGER THAN MINE
J1) This is a good song with a lot of meaning but you need to work on the structure. For example, Verse 1, 2,3 and 4 all have a different number of lines.  Also, the meters need to match in all verses because the music would demand it.  It's a great idea and has good imagery but structurally it wouldn't adapt to music.
J2)  Hook is OK, but verses rambles, and say the same thing over and over rather than building emotion. Same words keep repeating (storm, torn, rain, burden), which should warn that same ideas keep repeating. Focus the story, and build it. 

HONORABLE MENTION

LUNCH BOX
J1)  This song has a lot of possibilities but it needs work.  No songs (except maybe hymns) have 7 verses so you need to shorten it.  The 1st verse is good and verse 4 is good. Unless a verse adds needed info to a song, it isn't needed.  Keep working on it!
 J2) Analogy of the rose is inconsistent. The rose dies in the first line, but love, which is LIKE the rose, does not die. ?? Song needs focus, consistency and clarity. See Bette Midler's "The Rose" for similar idea expressed more clearly.

 Semifinalist Comments

FRIENDS
J2)  Are friends permanent or temporary? This song implies both, lamenting how they may be temporary but advocating for permanence. But the way it shuttles back and forth between these two ideas is unsatisfying.
J3) Good impact, hook, originality and phrasing.

TIME IS AN ILLUSION  
J2) OK idea, but lacks focus and strong impact. Look at Pink Floyd "Time" lyrics for similar idea. Explore if there may be more emotionally deep examples you could express about HOW time is an illusion without just repeating the phrase.
J3)  Good impact, hook, originality and phrasing.

THERE'S A PILL FOR THAT
J2)  Really like this idea and how it is carried out. Just a few weak lines could be boosted, e.g.. "Feeling sad is a bore"(when the previous verse is about physical ailment, not feelings) and "Make the rough places plain" seems weaker than it shold be.
J3) Very good originality.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Winners of the Spring 2013 Lyric Contest

SEMIFINALIST
She's All Texas by Tom Ruffen, Burnaby, BC, Canada 
Cowboys And Redskins Are In Town by Mary Hughes, Springtown, TX 
Three Hearts And One Diamond by Dana Young, Anthony, KS
Flower Mound by John Thomas Lane, Monument, CO 
Silver Cadillac by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Two O'Clock In The Morning by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Force of Nature by John Walsh, Sydney, NSW, Australia 
Morning Star by John Thomas Lane, Monument, CO
Weep For The Innocent by Dana Young, Anthony, KS

WINNERS

FIRST PLACE

Judge 1: This is a cleverly written song with lots of imagery
Judge 3:  I like the descriptions of an imaginary rip-roaringTexas woman.  Lots of word pictures and stereotypes about Texas and maybe a little overdone but entertaining.  Song is somewhat long but rhyme scheme and phrasing are good and overall appeal is good.


SHE'S ALL TEXAS

VERSE 1
In the lone star state I've found a girl
Sweetest thing there is in this here world
Bluebonnet eyes, sunflower hair
Curves like the Pedernales and twice as fair
Alone the Pecos or the Rio Grande
You got to know that I'm a happy man
From the panhandle to the piney woods
You can bet your saddle, my life is good

CHORUS

Oh she's all Texas, that lovely gal of mine
Houston, there's no problem, she loves me all the time

VERSE 2
She'll say "Howdy" and invite you in
Deep in her heart is where the west begins
She can set a table and rustle up grub
Every single thing she makes is made with love
Chicken fried steak with sausage gravy
Her crumblin' cornbread'll drive you crazy
Homegrown Texas, you know what I mean
She's got eighteen ways to fix a pinto bean

BRIDGE
Oh, she'll knock my boots when the mood is right
Thank my lucky stars she's with me every night
I got lassoed in El Paso and hitched in Sugar Land
Honeymooned in Dallas where we (blindfolded) danced to the band.  I didn't understand this line

REPEAT CHORUS

I would leave the next verse out because the song is too long
VERSE 3
Her daddy left her a rifle and Bowie knife
Colt forty-five and his way of life
She's planted cotton and drilled for oil
Earned an honest living from her daily toil
Seen dust devils and months without rain
Flashin' floods and Gulf hurricanes
In tornado alley, she hunkers down
Then helps her neighbors for miles around

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE4
She can shoe a horse, fix a pickup truck
Catch a catfish, dress a white tail buck
Wears a ten-gallon hat, raises Longhorn cattle
She hears fightin' words, there's gonna be a battle
"Cause she never forgets the old Alamoo
It's in her blood and she won't let it go
Don't mess with Texas, not my Botton Bowl Queen
Or her spurs'll kick your can down to Abilene

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

Judge 3: I like the feel and word pictures about a fine car and the allusions to a woman.  The rhyme scheme was good but the chorus should appear earlier in the song, after the second verse.  The rhyming of "automobile" and "feel" in the chorus is good but the cadence gets off with too many syllables in "like no other automobile" which could be changed to "a fine automobile".  Originality was good even though the song seems somewhat akin to "Pink Cadillac"  Overall it has good appeal and is a fun song.
Judge 2: Comments below.

 "SILVER CADILLAC" 

V-1 SHES A SILVER CADILLAC, THE STAR OF MY DREAMS 
A SLEEK CRUISE MISSLE, MY FLYING MACHINE 
SHE'S HELL ON WHEELS, THE FASTEST EVER SEEN 
AND BURNS UP THE ROAD, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN 

V-2 SHES POETRY IN MOTION, SOFT ON THE INSIDE 
HER BODY DRAPED IN CHROME, GIVES A HEA-VEN-LY RIDE 
SHE SITS IN MY DRIVEWAY, JUST WAITING FOR ME 
AND COMES ALIVE, WHEN I TURN ON HER KEY 
(I suggest something like: My baby comes alive when I turn her key
  or My baby starts to purring when I turn key key - these might sing easier)

(I would put a chorus at this point)

V-3 SITTING IN MY CADILLAC, WE GLUIDE THROUGH THE NIGHT 
SHE SMOOTHS EVERY BUMP, MAKES EVERYTHING RIGHT 
NOTHING EVER LOOKED SO GOOD, OR TOOK ME SO FAR 
AS THAT SILVER CADILLAC, MY BEAUTIFUL CAR 

V-4 THERES NOTHING ELSE LIKE HER, MAKE NO MISTAKE 
SHE'S A SILVER CADILLAC, THE BIGEST ONE THEY MAKE 
LIFE'S A LONG ROAD, THAT I COULDN'T DRIVE MYSELF 
WHEN I'M IN THAT CADDY, I DON'T NEED NOBODY ELSE 

CHORUS: SHES A SILVER CADILLAC, LIKE NO OTHER AUTOMOBILE 
IF YOU TOOK HER FOR A RIDE, YOU'D KNOW HOW I FEEL 
WHEN I TAKE HER OUT TONIGHT, THERE'S NO TURNING BACK 
I'LL SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE, WITH MY SILVER CADILLAC 

( I would slightly reword V-5 and make it a bridge with a musical change)
V -5 I ALWAYS DESIRED THAT CAR, I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY 
I JUST HAD TO HAVE, HER, BEFORE THE DAY I DIE 
THERE'S NO FANCY LEXUS, OR BUICK THAT WILL DO 
IT HAS TO BE THAT CADILLAC, AND SHE'S GONNA BE YOU 

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE  - Three way tie

Judge 1: Comments below

COWBOYS AND REDSKINS ARE IN TOWN
I've changed some wording but I like the title and story

VERSE 1
She said "come here, got something for you
(Do you) feel like snuggling (cause I sure want to)
I said "not now, it'll have to wait (not today)
Cowboys and Redskins are 'bout to play"

CHORUS
I can't believe I turned her down
But the Cowboys and Redskins are in town
It's two minutes 'till kick off time (remove this line)
Done popped a tab, kicked back in my chair
In two minutes they're on the air
Any other time but not night now
Cowboys and Redskins are in town

VERSE 2
Oh Lord, how lucky can one guy be
She cooks and cleans, gladly waits on me
(The washes my truck then rubs my back
Says she's happy living in this old shack)  No woman would do or say that!
If I ask, she'll rub my back
She puts me first, that's a fact

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
I'd change this bridge from
Wonder if she planned the perfect time to get that game off my mind
I'd do anything in the world for her but today football's gonna come first
to
Lovins' always on my mind
But this is not the perfect time

REPEAT CHORUS

Judge 2: Comments below

"TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING" 

V-I IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING(I would not water down the hook by using it here
maybe something like: After another night of trying, I'M SITTING HERE ALL ALONE 
THE REST OF THE BAR IS EMPTY, EVERYONE ELSE HAS GONE HOME 
IT MAKES ME FEEL SO LONELY, TO BE HERE BY MYSELF 
I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO, THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY ELSE 

V-2 I THOUGHT I MADE A FRIEND TONIGHT, SHE SEEMED SO NICE TO ME 
BUT SHE HAD TO GO AWAY, TO SOME PLACE SHE'D RATHER BE 
AND I SAW AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE, WE SAT AND TALKED FOR A WHILE 
BUT SHE COULDN'T STAY VERY LONG, SHE JUST LEFT ME WITH A SMILE 

CHORUS: IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, THERE'S A POUNDING INSIDE MY HEAD 
(might sing better as: It's two o'clock in the morning, there's a pounding in my head)
I DRANK TOO MUCH TONIGHT, IN THE MORNING I'LL FEEL LIKE I'M DEAD
(maybe: I drank too much tonight, in the morning I will regret)

I NEED SOMEONE TO HELP ME, AND TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS SORROW 
(I need some help with the sorrow, someone to help me forget)
THIS IS MY LAST TWO OCLOCK, I WONT BE BACK HERE TOMORROW
(maybe: It's two o'clock in the morning, There's a pounding in my head
this might help to reiterate the hook)

V-3 IT'S TWO O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING, ( again, let the hook stand in the chorus
maybe, I'm getting tired of living, IN THIS COLD, EMPTY TOWN 
THE PIMPS, DRUNKS AND COPS, ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE AROUND 
I SHOULD BE HOME BY NOW, BUT THERE'S NO ONE WAITING FOR ME 
I CAN'T WOK AT THOSE WALLS TONIGHT, AT LEAST OUT HERE I FEEL FREE 

V-4 I ONCE HAD A STEADY GIRLFRIEND, WE WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER
UNTIL SHE FOUND SOMEBODY  (someone might sing better)  ELSE, THAT I GUESS SHE THOUGHT WAS BETTER
THE COPS PULL ME OUT OF MY CAR, THEY KNOW ME AND GIVE ME A WARNING
I'M DRUNK AND ALONE AGAIN, IT'S TWO OCLOCK IN THE MORNING 

REPEAT CHORUS: 

Judge 3: I like the simplicity of the song and it's emotional impact about love and innocence lost but the need to keep trying to find it.  The beginning of the chorus could drop "We" and just start with "weep" so the title and hook would align.  The rhyme pattern was good though there was a bit of stretch in rhyming "horizon" and "trying" in the second verse.  Phrasing and cadence were good as well as originality and overall appeal.

WEEP FOR THE INNOCENT 

VI: I sit by the window and let my tears fall 
Wondering just how I'll get through it all 
I can't change the past, can't shake off the sorrow 
So I'll just pray for a better tomorrow. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 

May the moon and the sta~ light up their way 
We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 
May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

VII: I fall to my knees and shake my fists at the sky 
But there are no answers when I ask Him why 
I see faces of angels above the horizon 
So with each breaking dawn, I must keep on trying. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 
May the moon and the stars light up their way 
We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 
May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

BR: The wind has no force if its path is clear 
A lion's roar has no strength, if there's no one to hear 
Love has no meaning if it doesn't last 
Why hope for the future if its lost in the past. 

CH: We weep for the innocent and their years swept away 
May the moon and the stars light up their way 
We mourn for the world lost in dull shades of gray 
May the moon and the stars light up its way. 

Honorable Mention  - Two way tie

Judge 2: Comments below.

Force of Nature 

She’s two kinds of trouble
A double threat - country bred, city cred (might find a better rhyme)
Born and raised on sunshine and Jesus
A hometown girl, with a downtown life
Moonshine shots and Bacardi breezers
She’s all woman but she’s no man’s wife

She’s a force of nature
She’s a force of nature
A category 5, certified widow maker
It was an act of God that made her
She can bend but you won’t break her
That girl’s a force of nature

She’ll lay you bare like a Texas twister
Beware ( of ) that southern sister
She’ll light you up like a flash grenade
One night together you’ll never forget her
You’ll think your soul’s been saved
One more guy she’ll never remember

She’s a force of nature
She’s a force of nature
A category 5, certified widow maker
It was an act of God that made her
She can bend but you won’t break her
That girl’s a force of nature

Bridge
Maybe the force be with me
I’m giving it a shot
If I crash and burn
At least I’ll know
I gave it all I got

She’s a force of nature
She’s a force of nature
A category 5, certified widow maker
It was an act of God that made her
She can bend but you won’t break her
That girl’s a force of nature

It was an act of God that made her
She can bend but you won’t break her
That girl’s a force of nature

  THREE HEARTS-AND ONE DIAMOND 

VI: My heart was racing, I was gonna propose 
In my pocket I carried a ring 
But in that dimly lit room, I saw you with him 
Then I knew this king lost his queen. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 
And I had no cards I could play 
Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 
So I turned and just walked away. 

VII: Deep down I knew you'd been thinking of him 
l1e was always the love of your life 
And when you leaned over, and the two of you kissed 
It cut through my heart like a knife. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 
And I had no cards I could play 
Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 
So I turned and just walked away 

VIII: I should have noticed the signs, should've known you were cheating 
You had an ace up your sleeve 
I was playing with a deck of fifty-one cards 
Guess you could call me naive. 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, I was dealt a bad hand 
And I had no cards I could play 
Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 
So I turned and just walked away. 

BR: But then I turned back around and walked over to you 
I placed that ring in your palm 
I folded your hand, tipped my hat at your friend 
And sa!d, "mister it looks like you won." 

CH: Three hearts and one diamond, rwas dealt a bad hand 
And I had no cards I could play 
Two kings and one queen, I knew I had lost 
So I turned and just walked away. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

DSA LYRIC CONTEST 2013 WINTER


SEMIFINALIST

 Better Than the Best Of Wines by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA
 Simple Things or Going Back by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA    
 Romance 101 by Michael Junek, Camreon, TX
 I Keep On Wanting You by Andre Kerek, Miami, FL 
How Long Does Love Last by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
 Dancing With a Dream by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ 
 Window Pain by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Trying To Say I Love You by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ 
 Painting My Picture by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

Entry Comments

 Better Than the Best Of Wines/  Very good phrasing/cadence; weak form
Simple Things or Going Back     /  Very good phrasing/cadence, weak hook and form
 Romance 101 /  Good originality and impact, weak hook and phrasing
  I Keep On Wanting You / Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact;  hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original
How Long Does Love Last / Very good impact, originality, phrasing and form
 Dancing With a Dream  / Good hook, originality, phrasing and form, weak focus
 Window Pain / Good impact, originality and phrasing; weak hook, focus
Trying To Say I Love You  /   Very good emotional impact, hook, appeal and phrasing
 Painting My Picture  /    Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing

FIRST PLACE

DANCING WITH A DREAM ©2004 by Bill Kapac
This is a song with a new twist that I thought was interesting. I will put in parenthesis what words I remove and add my words.

VERSE 1
She jumps up from her bed, the same time every night
It's that dream again, it comes just before daylight
She stands naked on the floor, as she slowly leans
Into his waiting arms and starts dancing with a dream

VERSE 2
When she wakes up in the morning, tired and alone
No letter on the table, no message on her phone
Her night time lover's gone, (the) his face she's never seen
She wonders who he is when she's dancing with a dream

CHORUS
Dancing with a dream, every night he comes alive
Fantasy surrounds her, until morning (does) arrives
He's her lover king, and she became his queen
With her imaginery lover, she's dancing with a dream

VERSE 3
She (wakes up drenched) is filled with (sorrow) sadness from a dream that's never real
She tries to close her eyes and escape from how it feels
With loneliness beside her, the tears begin to stream
She's waiting for the darkness to start dancing with a dream

REPEAT CHORUS


SECOND PLACE

BETTER THAT THE BEST OF WINES ©2000 by Debra Kay Patrick
I've changed some lines that I thought needed to be more specific.

VERSE 1
She's a good ole country girl
Like's her jeans, faded and torn
Drives a Chevy 4x4
Wears her t-shirts, old and worn

VERSE 2
Lives like there's no tomorrow
Finding love in everything
Loves to laugh, don't like sorrow
She's the angel of my dreams

CHORUS
She's unlike any other woman
(And more that just all mine) And I'm lucky that she's mine
(She is a fine sweet lady) Cause the sweetness of her love is
Better than the best of wines

Leave this out
She is more like an angel
That gives her love to all
She's worth more that all the gold
Better than the best of wines

VERSE 3
It's the way that her eyes sparkle
When I hold her close to me
(She is so remarkable) And her kisses show me a
Love that's deeper than the sea

REPEAT CHORUS

HOW LONG DOES THIS LOVE LAST©2010 by Bill Kapac
Very good impact originality, phrasing and form. I like the imagery and poetic sense of this lyric, but as it is, it may be difficult to put to a melody because of inconsistent verse cadence. It also has too many verses.

1
LIKE A FLOWER BORN IN SPRING, ITS FUTURE TIED TO FATE
IS LOVE DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING, WILL IT ALWAYS BE TOO LATE
THE ROSE IS OH SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT ONLY LASTS SO LONG
BEFORE THE SUMMER’S OVER, ITS MAGIC WILL BE GONE 


V-2 
 WILL TIME BE KIND ENOUGH, TO SPARE ME FROM THAT LOSS
 OR WILL LOVE BE TAKEN FROM ME, AND NAIL ME TO A CROSS
I’LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE, AS LONG AS I’M HERE
DON’T EVER LET OUR FIRE DIE, OR LOVE WILL DISSAPEAR

                    
V-3  
IF NOTHING STAYS FOREVER, HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST
BEFORE ITS BEAUTY FADES AWAY, AND TURNS INTO THE PAST
 LIKE A SCAR UP ON YOUR FACE, OR A CUT THAT NEVER HEALS
THE PAIN WONT EVER GO AWAY, THAT’S HOW LOST LOVE FEELS                    

CHORUS:  
HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, HOW LONG WILL YOU BE MINE 
I ONLY NEED YOU NOW, AND UNTIL THE END OF TIME
 DOES LOVE LAST A HUNDRED YEARS, OR MAYBE JUST A DAY
WHAT CAN I EVER DO, TO ALWAYS MAKE LOVE STAY                       
                    
V4                     
IF THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER, LIKE A MOUNTAIN WITH NO TOP
HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO STOP
EVERY MINUTE SEEMS FOREVER, THE MOMENT LOVE IS GONE
YOU FIND YOURSELF ALONE, WITH NO REASON TO GO ON
                    
REPEAT CHORUS:

THIRD PLACE

I'M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU ©2011 by Bill Kapac
You don't need 4 verses. What the song needs to say is all the little things he's done for her is his way of showing his love. You did it in a couple of verses so stick to this theme.

 CHORUS: 
 I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME NEW FANGLED WAY
 BUT I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS, THAT I OUGHTA SAY
  SO I’LL KEEP DOIN’ WHAT I’M DOIN’, AN’ TRYIN’ EVERY DAY
AND JUST SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME OLD FASHIONED WAY   

             V-1   
IM TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I TAKE OUT THE TRASH
 HELP YOU IN THE KITCHEN, GIVE YOU ALL MY CASH
 YOUR COFFEE IN THE MORNIN’, ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT
 I’M GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU, UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT

             V-2  
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I COME HOME ON TIME
DO ALL THE CHORES, THAT I DIDN’T THINK WERE MINE
BUT THAT’S ONLY ME, AND THE LITTLE THINGS I DO
I’M JUST TRYING HARD, TO SAY I LOVE YOU

             V-3  
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, AND MAKING SURE YOU HEAR
AS I PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU, AND WHISPER IN YOUR EAR 
I’M TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL, I KNOW IT’S NOTHIN’ NEW
IT’S JUST ME TRYIN’, TO SAY I LOVE YOU 

CHORUS:

            V-4 
 I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY I LOVE YOU, LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD BEFORE
AND IF YOU DON’T HEAR ME NOW, I’LL SAY IT SOME MORE
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I’M SINGING EVERY WORD
I WROTE IT ALL FOR YOU, JUST WAITING TO BE HEARD 

REPEAT CHORUS:

PAINTING MY PICTURE ©2010 by Bill Kapac
Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing,
Not a new idea.

CHORUS:  
I’M PAINTING MY LIFES PICTURE, IN EVERY SPLENDID SHADE
COLORING THE SUN AND FUN, AND ALL THE LOVE I’VE MADE
 I WAVE MY BRUSH SO FREELY, EVERY STROKE IS MINE
I’M PAINTING MY LIFE’S PICTURE, I HOPE IT TAKES SOME TIME


            V-1  
I’M STARTING ON MY MASTERPIECE, I’M PAINTING THE BACKGROUND
 BUT I CAN’T PAINT MY SECRETS, UNTILL NO ONE IS AROUND
 I’M PAINTING MY LIFES STORY, AN ARTIST WITH NO BRUSH
THE COLORS RUN TOGETHER, I’M ALWAYS IN A RUSH

            V-2  
LIFE IS ONE BIG SCRAPBOOK, OF PICTURES NEVER TOOK 
A MULTICOLORED CANVAS, FOR THE COVER OF MY BOOK
I DIDN’T TAKE NO LESSONS, I’LL LEARN ALONG THE WAY
 DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF ME, I’M NO PICASSO OR MONET

              V-3  
MY LIFE IS MY OWN CANVAS, IT SHOWS NOBODY ELSE
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, YOU CAN ONLY PAINT YOURSELF
THERE’S A COLOR FOR EVERY FEELING, BLACK PAINTS THE NIGHT
WHEN YOU’RE DOWN AND OUT, THE COLOR BLUE’S JUST RIGHT

              V-4 
I’M PAINTING MY TODAY, I HOPE IT DON’T DRY TOO FAST
 I LIKE THE SCENE I’M PAINTING, AND I WANT IT TO LAST
I TRY NOT TO SPILL AN OUNCE, I SAVOR EVERY DROP
 THERE’S PLENTY LEFT TO PAINT, AND I DON’T WANT TO STOP 
                                                     
          V-5   
I’LL NEVER BE AN ARTIST, I PAINT THE WAY I LIVE
 I TAKE JUST WHAT I WANT, BUT NO MORE THAN I GIVE
 MY LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT, BUT LIVING’S ALWAYS GOOD

MY PICTURE WILL TURN OUT, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD

REPEAT CHORUS:     

HONORABLE MENTION

GOING BACK TO SIMPLE THINGS 2012 by Debra Kay Patrick
I liked your idea and your lyrics but your song is way too long. Just shorten all your verses .  Great imagery!

I KEEP ON WANTING YOU ©2012 by Andre Kerek
Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact;  hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original