SEMIFINALIST
Better Than the Best Of Wines by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA
Simple Things or Going Back by Debra Kay Patrick, Woodbridge, ONT, CANADA
Romance 101 by Michael Junek, Camreon, TX
I Keep On Wanting You by Andre Kerek, Miami, FL
How Long Does Love Last by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Dancing With a Dream by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Window Pain by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Trying To Say I Love You by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Painting My Picture by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ
Entry Comments
Better Than the Best Of Wines/ Very good phrasing/cadence; weak form
Simple Things or Going Back / Very good phrasing/cadence, weak hook and form
Romance 101 / Good originality and impact, weak hook and phrasing
I Keep On Wanting You / Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact; hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original
How Long Does Love Last / Very good impact, originality, phrasing and form
Dancing With a Dream / Good hook, originality, phrasing and form, weak focus
Window Pain / Good impact, originality and phrasing; weak hook, focus
Trying To Say I Love You / Very good emotional impact, hook, appeal and phrasing
Painting My Picture / Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing
FIRST PLACE
DANCING WITH A DREAM ©2004 by Bill Kapac
This is a song with a new twist that I thought was interesting. I will put in parenthesis what words I remove and add my words.
VERSE 1
She jumps up from her bed, the same time every night
It's that dream again, it comes just before daylight
She stands naked on the floor, as she slowly leans
Into his waiting arms and starts dancing with a dream
VERSE 2
When she wakes up in the morning, tired and alone
No letter on the table, no message on her phone
Her night time lover's gone, (the) his face she's never seen
She wonders who he is when she's dancing with a dream
CHORUS
Dancing with a dream, every night he comes alive
Fantasy surrounds her, until morning (does) arrives
He's her lover king, and she became his queen
With her imaginery lover, she's dancing with a dream
VERSE 3
She (wakes up drenched) is filled with (sorrow) sadness from a dream that's never real
She tries to close her eyes and escape from how it feels
With loneliness beside her, the tears begin to stream
She's waiting for the darkness to start dancing with a dream
REPEAT CHORUS
SECOND PLACE
BETTER THAT THE BEST OF WINES ©2000 by Debra Kay Patrick
I've changed some lines that I thought needed to be more specific.
VERSE 1
She's a good ole country girl
Like's her jeans, faded and torn
Drives a Chevy 4x4
Wears her t-shirts, old and worn
VERSE 2
Lives like there's no tomorrow
Finding love in everything
Loves to laugh, don't like sorrow
She's the angel of my dreams
CHORUS
She's unlike any other woman
(And more that just all mine) And I'm lucky that she's mine
(She is a fine sweet lady) Cause the sweetness of her love is
Better than the best of wines
Leave this out
She is more like an angel
That gives her love to all
She's worth more that all the gold
Better than the best of wines
VERSE 3
It's the way that her eyes sparkle
When I hold her close to me
(She is so remarkable) And her kisses show me a
Love that's deeper than the sea
REPEAT CHORUS
HOW LONG DOES THIS LOVE LAST©2010 by Bill Kapac
Very good impact originality, phrasing and form. I like the imagery and poetic sense of this lyric, but as it is, it may be difficult to put to a melody because of inconsistent verse cadence. It also has too many verses.
1
LIKE A FLOWER BORN IN SPRING, ITS FUTURE TIED TO FATE
IS LOVE DOOMED FROM THE BEGINNING, WILL IT ALWAYS BE TOO LATE
THE ROSE IS OH SO BEAUTIFUL, BUT ONLY LASTS SO LONG
BEFORE THE SUMMER’S OVER, ITS MAGIC WILL BE GONE
V-2
WILL TIME BE KIND ENOUGH, TO SPARE ME FROM THAT LOSS
OR WILL LOVE BE TAKEN FROM ME, AND NAIL ME TO A CROSS
I’LL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAVE, AS LONG AS I’M HERE
DON’T EVER LET OUR FIRE DIE, OR LOVE WILL DISSAPEAR
V-3
IF NOTHING STAYS FOREVER, HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST
BEFORE ITS BEAUTY FADES AWAY, AND TURNS INTO THE PAST
LIKE A SCAR UP ON YOUR FACE, OR A CUT THAT NEVER HEALS
THE PAIN WONT EVER GO AWAY, THAT’S HOW LOST LOVE FEELS
CHORUS:
HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, HOW LONG WILL YOU BE MINE
I ONLY NEED YOU NOW, AND UNTIL THE END OF TIME
DOES LOVE LAST A HUNDRED YEARS, OR MAYBE JUST A DAY
WHAT CAN I EVER DO, TO ALWAYS MAKE LOVE STAY
V4
IF THE ROAD GOES ON FOREVER, LIKE A MOUNTAIN WITH NO TOP
HOW LONG DOES LOVE LAST, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO STOP
EVERY MINUTE SEEMS FOREVER, THE MOMENT LOVE IS GONE
YOU FIND YOURSELF ALONE, WITH NO REASON TO GO ON
REPEAT CHORUS:
THIRD PLACE
I'M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU ©2011 by Bill Kapac
You don't need 4 verses. What the song needs to say is all the little things he's done for her is his way of showing his love. You did it in a couple of verses so stick to this theme.
CHORUS:
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME NEW FANGLED WAY
BUT I DON’T KNOW THE WORDS, THAT I OUGHTA SAY
SO I’LL KEEP DOIN’ WHAT I’M DOIN’, AN’ TRYIN’ EVERY DAY
AND JUST SAY I LOVE YOU, IN SOME OLD FASHIONED WAY
V-1
IM TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I TAKE OUT THE TRASH
HELP YOU IN THE KITCHEN, GIVE YOU ALL MY CASH
YOUR COFFEE IN THE MORNIN’, ICE CREAM EVERY NIGHT
I’M GONNA SAY I LOVE YOU, UNTIL I GET IT RIGHT
V-2
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, WHEN I COME HOME ON TIME
DO ALL THE CHORES, THAT I DIDN’T THINK WERE MINE
BUT THAT’S ONLY ME, AND THE LITTLE THINGS I DO
I’M JUST TRYING HARD, TO SAY I LOVE YOU
V-3
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, AND MAKING SURE YOU HEAR
AS I PUT MY ARMS AROUND YOU, AND WHISPER IN YOUR EAR
I’M TELLING YOU HOW I FEEL, I KNOW IT’S NOTHIN’ NEW
IT’S JUST ME TRYIN’, TO SAY I LOVE YOU
CHORUS:
V-4
I’M TRYIN’ TO SAY I LOVE YOU, LIKE YOU NEVER HEARD BEFORE
AND IF YOU DON’T HEAR ME NOW, I’LL SAY IT SOME MORE
I’M TRYING TO SAY I LOVE YOU, I’M SINGING EVERY WORD
I WROTE IT ALL FOR YOU, JUST WAITING TO BE HEARD
REPEAT CHORUS:
PAINTING MY PICTURE ©2010 by Bill Kapac
Very good impact, originality, appeal, focus, phrasing,
Not a new idea.
CHORUS:
I’M PAINTING MY LIFES PICTURE, IN EVERY SPLENDID SHADE
COLORING THE SUN AND FUN, AND ALL THE LOVE I’VE MADE
I WAVE MY BRUSH SO FREELY, EVERY STROKE IS MINE
I’M PAINTING MY LIFE’S PICTURE, I HOPE IT TAKES SOME TIME
V-1
I’M STARTING ON MY MASTERPIECE, I’M PAINTING THE BACKGROUND
BUT I CAN’T PAINT MY SECRETS, UNTILL NO ONE IS AROUND
I’M PAINTING MY LIFES STORY, AN ARTIST WITH NO BRUSH
THE COLORS RUN TOGETHER, I’M ALWAYS IN A RUSH
V-2
LIFE IS ONE BIG SCRAPBOOK, OF PICTURES NEVER TOOK
A MULTICOLORED CANVAS, FOR THE COVER OF MY BOOK
I DIDN’T TAKE NO LESSONS, I’LL LEARN ALONG THE WAY
DON’T EXPECT TOO MUCH OF ME, I’M NO PICASSO OR MONET
V-3
MY LIFE IS MY OWN CANVAS, IT SHOWS NOBODY ELSE
NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, YOU CAN ONLY PAINT YOURSELF
THERE’S A COLOR FOR EVERY FEELING, BLACK PAINTS THE NIGHT
WHEN YOU’RE DOWN AND OUT, THE COLOR BLUE’S JUST RIGHT
V-4
I’M PAINTING MY TODAY, I HOPE IT DON’T DRY TOO FAST
I LIKE THE SCENE I’M PAINTING, AND I WANT IT TO LAST
I TRY NOT TO SPILL AN OUNCE, I SAVOR EVERY DROP
THERE’S PLENTY LEFT TO PAINT, AND I DON’T WANT TO STOP
V-5
I’LL NEVER BE AN ARTIST, I PAINT THE WAY I LIVE
I TAKE JUST WHAT I WANT, BUT NO MORE THAN I GIVE
MY LIFE IS NEVER PERFECT, BUT LIVING’S ALWAYS GOOD
MY PICTURE WILL TURN OUT, JUST THE WAY IT SHOULD
REPEAT CHORUS:
HONORABLE MENTION
GOING BACK TO SIMPLE THINGS 2012 by Debra Kay Patrick
I liked your idea and your lyrics but your song is way too long. Just shorten all your verses . Great imagery!
I KEEP ON WANTING YOU ©2012 by Andre Kerek
Very good phrasing/cadence, good impact; hook not original, meter inconsistent, rhymes not original
