Fall Lyric Contest

Next Deadline Jan. 13th

Spring 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

1. Waitress In An All Night Diner by Michael Hollingsworth, LA, CA
2. Gas Food & Lovin' Next Right by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, TX
3. Of Wives & Men by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD
HM It's So Good To Have You Home by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

First Place

WAITRESS IN AN ALL NIGHT DINNER by Michael Hollingsworth

(I'll critique as I type the song. This song has a lot of good
images but I think it would be better if written in 3rd person instead of 1st.
Some singers might not want to be identified as a waitress)

VERSE 1

I's four o'clock in the morning
Time to lipstick my (her) smile
Get the coffee up and perking
I (she) hopes this rain stops in a while
Soon the bacon will be frying
As the trucks come roarin' in
I'll (she'll) tell the boys a joke or two
Just to get them to grin

CHORUS

'Cause I'm (she's) the waitress
In the all night diner
Making tips from the truckers and the miners
I'd (she'd) like to somehow change my (her) life
Be someone's mother, someone's wife
But until the day I (she) do (does)
What can I (she) get for you

VERSE 2

The sun breaks through the rain drops
As the boys start filin' in
Wanting biscuits and gravy
Served by the gal they call a friend
I (she) knows the names of their children
Sweethearts and their wives
They send me (her) cards on my (her) Birthday
Like I'm (she's) part of their lives


REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3 (I would make this a bridge because the meters don't match the first
2 verses and you could change it musically)

Oh, my(her) feet ache
And there's the heartbreak
From some old love affair
That showed me (her) love ain't so true (that don't end happily or happier)I
like this line better
Oh, the night's so cold and I (she) feels old
Cause no one's holding me(her)
(I would leave out the next two lines)
There's more to life than working
I'm (she's) a woman who needs holding too

REPEAT CHORUS

2nd Place Winner

GAS, FOOD AND LOVIN' - NEXT RIGHT by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx

I will critique as I type. First of all, I would change the title to Good
Food, Good Lovin' - Next Right. The word GAS isn't relevant to the
story...He's in a hurry to get home and doesn't stop for gas. Also the lines
containing the title should be changed to the new title.


VERSE 1

The sun went (sun's gone) down and I'm roaring down the highway
(So please) Get outta my way (meters need to match all verses)
It's been three long weeks since I last saw my baby
(Yeah,) I can hardly wait
But a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

VERSE 2

I'm a travelin' man I love life on the road
But love my baby, too
Without a good woman, the nights sure get cold
Leavin' is hard to do
But just a few more miles of Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, honey
Next right

BRIDGE

Runnin' on empty
Gettin' by on fumes
No stoppin' me now]
Gonna be there soon

VERSE 3

A big juicy steak with a kiss on the side
(That's what's) waiting for me
A cold glass of beer and a tight pair of jeans
How lucky can I be?
Just a few more miles of East Texas blacktop
I'll be holding her tight
Gas, Food and Lovin' waitin' for me, Honey
Next right

This is a cute country song that could be commercial. Good job!

3rd Place Winner

OF WIVES AND MEN by Akin Akintola, Owings Mills, MD

Lots of songs have been written with this theme but you did craft a good
song.

VERSE 1

Laughter was our best medicine
Through sickness and in health
Now she's just sick of me
She's laughing with someone else

VERSE 2

We came a long way (together)
But now she's gone too far
Am I the last man on earth (she wanted instead of on earth)
Or just the last drunk at the bar

CHORUS

Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and of(leave"of" out here) lovers and friends
You love and you learn and life says when
(the best laid plans just fall apart
And cause the breaking of lover's hearts) These 2 lines are better
Here's to the best laid plans of wives and men
Of wives and men and lovers and friends
Of wives and men and lovers and friends (Leave this line out)
Sometimes the best place to start over is at the very end (shorten this line)

VERSE 3 (I would leave this verse out altogether. How many men named Billy
Ray are there!) And the meters don't match.

Someone happened
Somewhere along the way
His first name was Billy
His last name was Ray

VERSE 4

Guess all our fights kept adding up
I was never good at math
But how did my best friend
Fall in love with my better half

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

The future's not what it used to be
The future's not what it used to be (instead say We never know what's in
store)
One thing is for sure
The future's not what it used to be...anymore

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

IT'S SO GOOD TO HAVE YOU HOME by Mike Parrish, La Grange, GA

This is a poignant song with a good message. It's a little wordy and I would
try shortening some of the lines without losing the story.

Winter 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

Winter 2008 Lyric Contest Winners

Semifinalists
Forty Miles From Dallas by George Pucini, Las Vegas, NV
I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here by Mike Parrish, LaGrange, GA
With A Smile And A Lie by Kennan Zishka, Austin, TX
Livin' My Life On The Radio by George Pucini, Las Vegas, NV


First of all, there were a lot of good entries this time and it was hard to choose. Judges comments are in intalics through the lyrics and following.

1st Place

FORTY MILES FROM DALLAS by George Pucini
I might add or subtract a word to make
the meters match.

VERSE
(I'm) forty miles from Dallas
Rainin' on the roof of my car
Been trav'lin the back roads of Texas
Makin' like a country star
But ev'ry mile supplyin'
Just empty rooms and grimy bars
And too many nights spent tryin'
To write my name among the stars

PRE CHORUS
So I'm headin' back to Dallas
From ev'ry lonely one-night stand
I'm forty miles from Dallas
And lovin' for this one-man band

CHORUS
And there's forty miles before me
Til I'm in your arms again
Forty miles before me
Back to where it's warm again
I'm forty miles from Dallas
Forty miles from Dallas
And forty miles from your lovin' arms again

VERSE
These back road bars ain't friendly
And ev'ry night's the same old songs
(I've been livin')...but been dyin'
In places where (leave where out) I don't belong
So I'm headin' back to Dallas
Ain't havin' no more one-night stands
(So) I'm headin' back to Dallas
And closin' up this one-man band

REPEAT PRE CHORUS AND CHORUS

TAG
And forty miles from your lovin' arms again

This is a great country song with good imagery. You did a good job on matching
meters, too. Good luck with it.

2nd Place

I THINK I'M GONNA LIKE IT HERE by Mike Parrish
I liked this song because of it's originality. I will critique it as I type.

VERSE
I am a few throw pillows short of all moved in
My daughter's at her car getting the rest of them
The man cross the hall has a blank look on his face
I guess from too many years at this old folk's place (He's probably spent too many
years at this old folk's place)
This reminds me of my (baby) girl's first trip to day care
And how it was so hard for me to leave her there
But she was the strong one as she wiped off (away) my tears
She said (Saying) "Momma, I think I'm gonna like it here

CHORUS
It's not like back(this is hard to sing..say "So it's not like") when I was a child
When my mother (momma) raised all of us kids
And gramps and grandma moved in to stay
For just as long as they both would live
Now there's strangers keeping our kinfolk (loved ones)
The young and old ones are on their own
I wish Day Care was a family
And Assisted Living was a home

VERSE
My daughter says she'll come visit every day
But me being here says it can't happen that way (But I know that it just can't
happen that way)
She's got her husband and her career and her kids
Too many irons in the fire the same way I did
To life her spirits I said an old phrase of mine
"When you come to see me (visit), we'll have quality time"
But I have to be strong, so I wipe off (away) her tears
And say "Baby, I think I'm gonna like it here"

BRIDGE
From my mother's generation to generations not yet named (born)
It's the mothers and their daughters that help each other with the pain
(It's the mother and daughter relationship that helps weather the storm)

REPEAT CHORUS

Judges Comments

This is a good song with an original "hook". It might be a little wordy so if you
could find a way to shorten some of the lines, it would help. They are all about
the same length. Keep writing.

3rd Place

WITH A SMILE AND A LIE by Kennan Zishka

VERSE
So many times
You turned to walk away (You weren't sure you loved me)
So sure you couldn't stay (Didn't think that you could stay)
So many tears
Overflowed from my heart
All my fears unguarded (The day you turned to walk away)

CHORUS
So now I'll say goodbye
With a smile and a lie
About how I'll be alright
About how I'll get by
Yeah, I'll be OK
Living every day
With a smile and a lie

VERSE
So many dreams
Held together by a promise
That's now an empty wish
So many words
I've heard a hundred echoes
That only my voice knows (Guess love is sometimes a big risk)

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE
It's time to pretend
Time can mend
A heart that doesn't know
When it will beat again

REPEAT CHORUS

Judges Comments
Tho there are a lot of songs written about "lies", this is a well written song and
the "smile and lie" theme gives it a new twist. Good luck with it.

HONORABLE MENTION

LIVIN' MY LIFE ON THE RADIO
This song has potential but you need to keep the same chorus throughout...don't
change the last chorus.
Put the chorus between each 6 line verse. If it's too long, remove a verse.

LYRIC CONTEST RULES

DSA LYRIC CONTEST

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - 2nd Tuesday in March
Spring - 2nd Tuesday in June
Summer - 2nd Tuesday in September
Fall - 2nd Tuesday in December


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

Bring your entries to the meeting or mail to us:
Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest % Sammons Center for the Arts
3630 Harry Hines Blvd. Box 20, Dallas, TX 75219

DSA LYRIC CONTEST FALL 2007

Lyricists! Here’s your chance to shine!
Enter The Dallas Songwriters
Quarterly Lyric Contest

Entry fee is $10 per lyric.

Quarterly Entry Deadlines:
Winter - 2nd Tuesday in March
Spring - 2nd Tuesday in June
Summer - 2nd Tuesday in September
Fall - 2nd Tuesday in December


PRIZES TO BE AWARDED
Of course the MAIN prize is what we ALL aspire to:
RECOGNITION FOR OUR LYRICAL WORK!
ALSO: The 1st place winning lyricist receives $50 cash.

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd place winner's lyrics and judges critiques
will be published in the DSA “Songwriters Notes”
and on the DSA Website

Fall 2007 Contest Winners
(see below for lyrics and judges critiques)

1st Place Memories on a Silent Night
by Kathy Dunn, Grand Prairie, Tx
2nd Place The Loneliest Lonely
by Mike Hyden, Ralston, ME
3rd Place The Cars We Drive
by Craig St Clair, Carrollton, Tx
HM Black and White
by Mike Hyden, Ralston, ME

Next Contest Deadline for the Winter Lyric Contest:
March 11th, 2008
Bring your entries to the meeting or mail to us:
Dallas Songwriters Lyric Contest % Sammons Center for the Arts
3630 Harry Hines Blvd. Box 20, Dallas, TX 75219

SEE BELOW FOR WINNERS
OF THE FALL LYRIC CONTEST

FIRST PLACE

Memories on a Silent Night
By Katy Dunn

Verse 1
No little ones are sleeping in the bedroom up the stairs
It's Christmas Eve and here I sit in my favorite easy chair
Computers, phones and gift cards are addressed to Dad and me
But no cookies wait for Santa beside the Christmas tree

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

Verse 2
We helped Santa put the toys together working far too late
With laughter and hot coffee to keep us both awake
We smuggled in the puppy when the kids all went to bed
Tied big red bows on brand new bikes and a teddy bear named Fred

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

Verse 3
We barely closed our eyes when we heard footsteps in the hall
From tiny little slippered feet as daybreak came to call
So many presents there for us beneath the Christmas tree
But the blessing that I treasured most was our loving family

Chorus
My memories on this silent night turn to Christmas long ago
With the back yard dressed in winter white beneath the falling snow
Where children sleep in a magic world where reindeer can take flight
That's where my memories go to play on a lovely silent night

JUDGES COMMENTS
This is a well crafted holiday song. My only suggestion is that you shorten some of the lines but still say the same thing.

SECOND PLACE

(Judges Comments in Parenthesis)

The Loneliest Lonely
By Mike Hyden

Verse 1
Bustling sidewalks, the reason is clear
Holiday shoppers, the season is here
Arms full of packages, hearts full of cheer
As the snow starts to fall through the air

Here I am dreaming, an ocean apart
Warm cards and letters tear into my heart
Wond'ring how Santa could let Christmas start
Without first making sure I was there
(I want to know why he/she isn't there. Perhaps he/she is a soldier in the Middle East. That would make a good story)

Chorus
Oh, the loneliest lonely is being away
At the (this) time of year only Saint Nicholas (Santa..it's more singable) should stray
And I feel just as far as the Bethlehem star
When I'm not there to share Christmas day

Verse 2
(I would leave this verse out because it makes the song too long)
A stocking for certain with my name attached
Missing some candy, a child yet to catch (not conversational)
Look for the crook with the chocolate mustache
And you'll find an angel instead

Family members arrive from the cold
Warm-hearted greetings, a sight to behold
Peeling off layers, the fire's burning bold
I can picture it all in my head

Repeat Chorus

Verse 3
Caroling children, engaged in a song
Everyone gathers to all sing along
Sooner than later, out appetites strong (Appetites are growing, it won't be long)
Let the Holiday dinner bell ring

Warm buttered muffins with cranberry jam
Overstuffed turkeys, a honey-cured ham
Salads and legumes(veggies) and sweet candied yams
It's a Christmas feast fit for a king

Repeat Chorus

Verse 4 or Bridge
Then by the tree, once that dinner is done
Opening presents, the magic's begun
Four generations behaving as one (That's a lot of generations )
As the spirit of Christmas prevails

(I think this last verse or bridge should say something about how he can picture it but he wishes he was there to join in the festivities. Make this song more personal...not just a review of what families do at Christmas. The images are good, but you need to insert the singer in these images...like how much he misses Mom's pecan pie, hugs as warm as the fire, Uncle Ed's corny jokes, etc. In other words, personalize it.)

THIRD PLACE

The Cars We Drive
By Craig St Clair

(This is a great hook but you need to shorten your lines. In the Chorus, the 3rd line "We live our lives we laugh and cry", I would change to "And we changed our lives like we changed our cars")

HONORABLE MENTION

Black and White
By Mike Hyden

(The idea here is a good one if you can do it without sounding preachy. I would leave out the verses about rival gangs. The first 2 verses are very good because they are more personal. The chorus is also good. It's a long song so I would skip to the verse that starts with "The color of a person's skin" )