Winners of the Summer Lyric Contest

There were 42 entries so it took me a little longer.  

I'm going to give a general critique first to all the songwriters who entered.  Some of you write songs that are too long.  Three verses, a repeated chorus and possibly a bridge is long enough.  Also, you must learn to match the meters.  The meters in the first verse must match the 2nd and 3rd verses.  And all choruses should be lyrically and musically alike.  Hope this helps in writing your next song.

Semifinalists

A Place Where I Keep My Heart by Dana Young

Is It Deal or No Deal  by Dana Young

She Doesn't Know My Heart Breaks by Mario Spinosi

Why Can't You Leave Me Alone by Dana Young

A PLACE WHERE I KEEP MY HEART

  by Dana Young

I liked the emotion and imagery in this song.  I changed some words to make the meters match

VERSE 1

I remember growing up (I grew up) on a small Kansas farm

A red barn and acres of wheat

An old plow and a cow, a few sittin' hens

And a tire that hung from a tree (A soda shop where friends would meet) to rhyme with wheat

CHORUS

I skipped with the sunbeams and danced in the breeze

At the place where I got my start

I have places for things like my keys and loose change

But that place is where I keep my heart

VERSE 2

We had hometown parades with floats and flags

Antique cars and a high school band

Had my own swimming hole, a homemade fishing pole

I sure loved growing up on that land

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

Sunflowers grew (tall) along (sides of) the dirt roads

Wildflowers swayed in the breeze

Butterflies curtseyed on the farmer's -fenceposts

While dragonflies skimmed across weeds

REPEAT CHORUS

Second Place

IS IT DEAL OR NO DEAL

 by Dana Young

This song didn't require much critiquing.  I just added a word or removed one to make the meters match

VERSE 1

Now, honey, I know you've been thinking of him

And I really can't blame you at all

He has a big house and a whole lot of money

So honey, I guess it's your call

CHORUS

Cause I'm not very good at playing these games

So I'll tell you just how I feel

I'm in it to win it, do you want him or me

Baby, is it deal or no deal?

VERSE 2

I ain't got a lot to offer to you

But I'll always be by your side

You can have all my love and I'll throw in my heart

But darlin', I must keep my pride

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

I'm putting my cards on the table

I'm putting it all on the line

You gotta choose him or you gotta choose me

Now it's time to make up your mind

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place

SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS 

by Mario Spinosi

I liked this song a lot but the verses were long and the chorus was also long.  It has a great hook so shorten everything up and get to the punch line quicker. Also I don't recommend putting your lyric in all caps.

V-I SHE WAS STANDING IN MY DOORWAY, LIKE SO MANY TIMES BEFORE. 

HER EYES WERE RED FROM CRYING, SHE CAN'T HIDE THAT ANY MORE. 

HE'S CHEATED BEFORE, AND NOW HE'S DONE IT AGAIN. 

AND SHE ALWAYS-COMES TO ME, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM. 

V-2 WE BOTH GREW UP TOGETHER, WE WERE NEVER FAR APART. 

FROM BACK YARDS TO COLLEGE, SHE WAS AL WAYS IN MY HEART. 

BUT SHE LOVED ANOTHER, AND I KEPT MY FEELINGS IN. 

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM. 

CHORUS' SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, SHE ONLY KNOWS THE CURE. 

EVERY TIME HER HEART ACHES, SHE KNOWS THAT I'LL BE THERE. 

I KNOW SHE'LL ALWAYS LOVE HIM, AND I KNOW I'M JUST A HER FRIEND. 

AND SHE DOESN'T KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM. 

V-3 FOR JUST A WHILE I'LL HOLD HER, AND EASE OUR TROUBLED HEARTS.- 

BUT SHE'LL GO BACK TO HIM, AND AGAIN I DID MY PART. 

I KNOW I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HER, BUT I'LL KEEP MY LOVE WITHIN. 

AND SHE'LL NEVER KNOW MY HEART BREAKS, WHEN HER HEART BREAKS FOR HIM . 

REPEAT CHORUS ....... 

Honorable Mention 

WHY CAN'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE

 by Dana Young

This song has a different twist and I liked it. I would add a bridge giving the listener a clue to why the breakup or emphasis his ego.

V1

I'm just cruisin' around and swing by your house 

And there you are in the front yard. 

Well it just seems to be you're not over me 

Now why must you make it so hard? 

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone 

Honey why can't you just let me be 

When I'm driving around allover town 

You're the one that I always see. 

V2

I go to the store to pick up some beer 

And you're strolling down aisle number three 

Wearing an old t-shirt and faded blue jeans 

Lookin' just as sexy as can be. 

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone 

Honey why can't you just let me be 

When I'm driving around allover town 

You're the one that I always see. 

V3

Then I go to the bar and again there you are 

Sittin' there on the barstool 

It just seems to me that you're following me 

Do you take me for some kind of fool? 

Chorus

Why can't you leave me alone 

Honey why can't you just let me be 

When I'm driving around allover town 

You're the one that I always see.  

2011 SPRING WINNERS

Winner Larry Dodge, middle, is presented a check and certificate at the Nov. 8  DSA 2nd Tuesday Meeting by Lyric Contest Director, Nancy Rynders, left, and DSA President Buck Morgan, right.

Semifinalists

The Way It Used To Be by Larry Dodge

Don't Put Down My Pickup  by Joel Williams

Twenty Something Years Ago by Joel Williams

Laundromat Love by Larry Dodge

First Place

THE WAY IT USED TO BE  ©2011 Larry Dodge

I picked this  song because I think it is relivant to the way the marjority of Americans are thinking right now.  I will critique as I type.  I will put in paranthesis my changes.  I tried to make the meters match.

VERSE 1

I remember when our Uncle Sam

Stood for life and liberty

When our country offered everyone

The opportunity

To chase and capture happiness

And rejoice that we were free

When (Yes,) we admired Norman Rockwell

'Cause he painted you and me

CHORUS

You can say that I'm outdated

I'm old hat, I'm history

But I preferred the USA

The way it used to be

VERSE 2

I remember that we learned in school

How our country was the best

Of all the world's nations (Of all the countries in the world)

We stood (way) above the rest

Our biggest worries were so small

Would we pass the spelling test?

Would our team win the (football) game?

Could our car outrun the rest? (find a better line here)

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

But today the times are different  (Now our government is different)

Many things have gone downhill (As we watch it go downhill)

We used to have a Bill of Rights

Now we've only got the bill

We've watched (seen) our jobs swim overseas

And we're always in a war

The rich keep getting richer (Entitlements keep growing)

Begging Uncle Sam for more

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

Yes, I preferred the USA

The way it used to be

Second Place

DON'T PUT DOWN MY PICK-UP ©1998 Joel Williams

This is a cute country song that a lot of guys could relate to and it's cleverly written. I didn't change much.

VERSE 1

I treat her like a lady; I never put her down

I'm proud to be with her when we're out on the town

I know she ain't so pretty and she's got a lotta' miles

But when we're out together, everyone turns and smiles

Now she's been good to me since back in sixty-two

That's when I brought her home, brand spankin' new

So you're walking (on) thin ice, you're pushin' your luck

If you say something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

CHORUS

Don't put down my pick-up, my red-neck Cadillac

With the guns in the window and the beer cans in the back

She's a Southern Comfort for this good ole country boy

Don't put down my pick-up...she's my pride and joy

VERSE 2

She's got some dents and scratches from the scrapes we've been thru

But that don't bother me 'cause I've got some, too

She's got a Chevy engine sittin' on a Ford chassis

And those three hundred horses make her kind of sassy

She could use another coat of camouflage paint

But I like what she is and I like what she ain't

So you'll hear the thunder roar, you'll think that lightning struck

If you say something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

Now I never had a woman that I could get to stay

When I ask 'em "why", this is all they'd say

I think you're pretty cute but I could never be stuck

With a guy who spends all his money on his pick -up truck

But she'll never nag and she'll never be late

She'll never say "watch it" when I pat her tailgate

(So) You'd better come out swingin', you'd better learn to duck

If you saty something bad 'bout my pick-up truck

REPEAT CHORUS

Third Place

TWENTY-SOMETHING YEARS AGO ©2003 Joel Williams

This song tells a good story, but the writer needs to match his meters in the verses. Also, it gets a little wordy.  The same thing could be said with shorter lines and more "punch". The chorus should stay the same. Note this song was not submitted in the proper format. 

He was on the road to Nashville with a guitar on his back, When the trucker stopped to offer him a ride. 

"Climb aboard, son, and sing me your song," And the young man said, "I'm much obliged." 

"Let me guess your story," the old trucker said As they rolled down the highway in his rig. 

"You're going to Music City to be a country star, You've paid all your dues, now you wanta' hit it big; 

And everybody says, 'You should be in Nashville and playing on the radio. 

The Grand Ole Opry's where you need to be, and they're looking for you down on Music Row. I've been there myself with a pocketful of dreams, twenty-something years ago. 

The trucker stared ahead with never a word. 

The wheels whined across Tennessee. 

The boy knew better than to break the silence; The old man was stuck in his memories. 

Then finally he spoke, with a soft, breaking voice, "Son, listen to the wisdom of my years; 

Every road into Nashville's a highway of dreams, 

If you leave before you make it, They're just trails oftears. 

Now everybody said, I should be in Nashville and playing on the radio, 

The Grand Ole Opry was where I should be, and they were looking for me down on Music Row. But my pocketful of dreams was turned inside-out, twenty-something years ago. 

The boy picked up his guitar and he tuned all the strings And he started to playa country song. 

The old man turned, he said "Hey, I know that tune," And he started to sing along. 

They must have sung a hundred songs as they rode through the night. 

They were lost in the music for a while. 

As they pulled into a truckstop in the morning light, 

The boy put down his guitar and the old trucker smiled, 

He said, "Boy, You should be in Nashville and playing on the radio. 

The Grand Ole Opry is where you need to be, They're looking for you down on Music Row. 

And somewhere down the road when you're a country star and you're playing in your biggest show Just tell the folks you want to dedicate a song to your old trucker friend, Joe 

Who gave you a ride on the highway of dreams, twenty-something years ago. 

(Spoken) "By-the-way, Son, Good Luck and thanks for the ride." 

  Here is my version of a verse.

My friends all said I should be on the radio

 Performing in Nashville was where I need to be

And I'd be a hit down on Music Row

But my pocketful of dreams fell apart at the seams

Twenty-something years ago

Then I would add this bridge before repeating the same chorus again

BRIDGE

While you're in Nashville

You should happen to make it big

Remember your trucker friend, Joe

Who gave you a ride on the highwy of dreams

Just a few years ago

Honorable Mention

LAUNDROMAT LOVE ©2011 Larry Dodge

Very cute title. The choruses need to be the same.  I'd like to see "loads of love" in the chorus. Also, you really made her his bride pretty fast...I'd just stick to the love part.

 I met the love of my life at a laundromat

I know it sounds funny but it's an actual fact

She was folding lingerie when our gazes met

Across the top of the tables near the TV set

Until she looked at me she'd been watching a soap

She caught me glancing at her undies like a genuine dope

Then she packed 'em in a basket as her face went red

And I knew I should be minding my own business instead

Chorus 1:

LAUNDROMAT LOVE, LAUNDROMAT LOVE

Came to light underneath the fluorescents above

Looks like she's figured out what I'm thinkin' of

So I'd better keep it clean if I want LAUNDROMAT LOVE

It took a little while for me to unclog my voice

She was ready to leave so I had to make a choice

Would I remain a wordless wonder as I washed my duds

Or would I wipe away the wimp and rise above the suds?

I untied my tongue and tried to say something cool

When she didn't reply you know I felt like a fool

Then I asked could I help her pack her laundry outside

One thing led to another and she became my bride

Chorus 2:

LAUNDROMAT LOVE, LAUNDROMAT LOVE

Came to light underneath the fluorescents above

From our king-sized sheets to her daintiest glove

We're now sharin' our loads because of LAUNDROMAT LOVE

WINTER 2011 WINNERS ANNOUNCED

SEMIFINALISTS

Award Winning Angel by Larry Dodge, Dallas, TX

The Homecoming Dance by Lisa Simmons, Lewisville, TX

Crumbs by Dom Stasi, Willow Springs, IL

The Brothers by Sammie Lee Marler, Brunswick, GA

WINNERS

 I will critique as I type.  If a word or phrase is in parenthesis, remove and replace with my suggestion.

FIRST PLACE

AWARD-WINNING ANGEL by Larry Dodge

This song lends itself to the realities of today.  I like the images and the rhyme pattern is unique by rhyming the first 3 lines and not the 4th.  It has too many verses so I shortened it.

VERSE 1

Well, I was just comin' to when I heard her curse

Nothing too nasty, yeah, I've heard a lot worse

Just spicy language from a military nurse

When I looked up I saw five of her

VERSE 2

All ten of her hands had dropped my trays of meds

And a ward full of wounded all turned their heads

Another excuse to watch her from their beds

She was a (beauty to behold, for sure) real beauty to be sure

(Where the VA found her no one had a clue

But she renewed our faith in the red, white and blue)

Make the next 2 lines a PRE CHORUS

She had the face of an angel and a great body, too

There wasn't (much) any cure that she couldn't (cure) do

CHORUS

She was a ward-winning angel

Because of her we learned to pray

That when our bodies recovered

From the wounds we had suffered

She'd take us to heaven some day

I changed the chorus to this:

She was a ward-winning angel

And I really do feel

Her heavenly smile

Helped my wounds heal

She'd squeeze my hand saying"you'll be good as new"

The soldiers all loved her and she loved us, too

She was a ward-winning angel

VERSE 3

One day an officer came into our ward

In his dress uniform, complete with a sword

If she was an angel, then he was her lord

(But she didn't leave us in the cold) She introduced him to us all

I'd remove the next verse to shorten the song

(No, she introduced him to everyone there

He saw how we loved her but he didn't care

It was clear as diamonds that they were a pair

We weren't all that surprised, truth be told)

VERSE 4

Outside our windows a marching band played

To honor the sacrifice we men had made

She walked him outside, he rejoined the parade

Then our angel returned to the (fold) ward

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

THE HOMECOMING DANCE by Lisa Simmons

This is a sweet sentimental song but it's too long. I also thought the last verse jumped too many decades so I changed it in keeping with the theme. The verses are too long, try shortening to 6 lines.

VERSE 1

It's her first date

And the dress is just right

It'll be her first dance

Without daddy tonight

Little girls now young ladies

The boys seem like men

The pictures remind us

Of where the time went

CHORUS

It's the homecoming dance

Twirl around on the floor

Time goes so quickly

(We) They want so much more

(How can we hold on

To the time that we have)

How can they hold on 

To their first romance

Keep this feeling forever

Of the homecoming dance

VERSE 2

He left last September

To fight for us all

They cried knowing their son

Would be born late that fall

Now it's a year later

And the time passed so slow

He can't wait to see them

And hold them both close

BRIDGE

This bridge is too long

(Time is so precious

With those that we love

Can we just stop the world from turning

Let's keep all the memories

We have in our minds

And when we get to the end

Just rewind)

Their Homecoming Photo

is hung in the hall

Bringing back memories

They love to recall

REPEAT CHORUS  All the choruses should match

VERSE 3

(They were married forever

It seemed all their lives

She fell asleep first

He played out his time

The one quiet evening

As if it were planned

He slipped away softly

As he stretched out his hand)

Replace with this..much happier

It's their High School reunion

And they're on the gym floor

Twirling and dancing

To the music once more

Their love has lasted

 Through the laughter and tears

Holding on to those memories

Throughout all the years

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

CRUMBS by Dom Stasi

I loved the title and the 1st verse but the 2nd verse wasn't as strong.  The song's a little short so maybe you could add a 3rd verse.  But a well written song.

VERSE

Rainy days are here at last

Them paychecks never disappeared so fast

Upside down in a house of cards

We're burning through the cash buried in the yards

PRE-CHORUS

Right down to the core, it's clear as day

Baseball, hot dogs, Chevrolet...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

VERSE

Poorly managed, managed anger

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

Still have my pride, and above all

Got faith, hope, and the greatest of 'em all

PRE-CHORUS

The bridge is out ahead, it's make or break

And all about the choices we make...

CHORUS

Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie

We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die

There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"

These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs

HONORABLE MENTION

THE BROTHERS by Sammie Lee Marler

I loved the story, all the rhyme patterns and the imagery...but to be a good song, it needs to have a chorus. Just add a couple of short, catch  lines between every 2 verses. It could be a good folk song.

Fall 2010 Winners

FALL 2010 WINNERS

SEMIFINALISTS

CARDBOARD DADDY

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

SOMETHIN' BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS

by Richard Keller, Orlando, FL

LET'S GAMBLE ON US

by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW?)

by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

FIRST PLACE

CARDBOARD DADDY by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

I will critique as I type. This is a clever song and speaks to us all. The words or lines in parenthesis should be removed but I've also added a word here and there to make the meters match. The song is pretty long and each verse should be trimmed to 6 lines. I trimmed the chorus. It's a great song but it really needs to be shortened. Look for at least 2 lines in each verse that could be removed.

VERSE 1

The pretty young wife cried softly

The red tail lights faded away

He was off to the front lines

A brave young Green Beret

She recalled a childhood memory

A fateful knock on the door

Her father was a soldier too

But he didn't make it home from war

VERSE 2

Their son wanted to see daddy

She found a creative way

Made a life-sized cardboard photo

They saw him every day

(There were lots of fun memories

Cardboard daddy was there for them all

A birthday party, a touchdown catch

And many games of tee-ball)

He never missed a party

A Christmas or tee-ball

Yes, he was there for them all

CHORUS

So if you see a man in uniform

Walk up and shake his hand

(And thank the hero next to him

The one driving a mini-van)

Cause behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

Though our gratitude is genuine

(But) Her sacrifice is real

VERSE 3

It was career day in 1st grade

Each child got to speak

The fathers sat at a (blue) table

Cardboard Daddy took a seat

(The boy) He said "My daddy's in Afghanistan

For 7 months he's been away..."

Then a loud knock on the door

Stopped what he had to say

VERSE 4

In walked a handsome soldier

Wearing a smile and a Green Beret

(The little boy) He cried out "Daddy"

And ran to him right away

They hugged each other tightly

Tears filled everyone's eyes

Mom watched from the corner

She had planned the whole surprise

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE This should come before the 2nd chorus

Every child and father rose

Gave the soldier a standing ovation

He joined them at the (blue) table

(And) Sent Cardboard Daddy on vacation

REPEAT CHORUS

TAG

Oh yes, behind every Cardboard Daddy

There's a woman stronger than steel

SECOND PLACE

SOMETHIN' 'BOUT SOUTHERN GIRLS by Richard Keller, Orlando, Tx

This is a cute song but way too long. I've added a few words to make the meters match but I've mostly tried to shorten your song by removing lines and verses. I'll put these in parenthesis.

VERSE 1

I have sailed the globe

On those Navy ships

Seen lots of pretty girls

Yeah, kissed a few lips

Take his verse out

VERSE 2

(Those brown-eyed senoritas

Made me look twice

Met blond Swedish girls

That could melt the ice)

VERSE 3

But the prettiest girls

I ever did see

Were all back home

In (Alabama) Tennessee

CHORUS This needs to be condensed and I made it shorter and catchier

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

(Tan legs with daisy dukes

Big hair and cowboy boots

She makes pecan pie

Writes thank you notes

Cuter then hell

Laughs at your jokes)

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 3

Take this verse out

(I drove to Mississippi

Just to hear those girls talk

Crowned Ms. South Carolina

Just to see her walk)

REPLACE IT WITH THIS

Texas girls are smart

With good looks to match

If you could lasso one

You'd have quite a catch

VERSE 4

Ain't nothin' sweeter

Than a Georgia peach

Florida girls are hot

Bikinis on the beach

REPEAT CHORUS...My version

'Cause Southern girls

Are God's gift to males

Perfect white teeth

Long red nails

Wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up in pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

VERSE 5

Take this verse out...you don't need it or put in a short 2 line bridge

(Saw a Kentucky cheerleader

Sippin bourbon from a cup

Threw some beads in Louisiana

Girl pulled her t-shirt up)

REPEAT CHORUS starting with You gotta love 'em

TAG

Yes, wearin' just a t-shirt

Or dressed up with pearls

There's somethin' 'bout them Southern girls

THIRD PLACE

LET'S GAMBLE ON US by Larry Dodge, Dallas, Tx

This is a cute song but instead of 8 verses of 3 lines, make 4 verses of 6 lines each or 2 verses on 8 lines.

It's still going to be a little long.

HONORABLE MENTION

GRANDPA (WHY YOU DRIVE SO SLOW) by Tom Biles, Keller, Tx

A good country song and I was surprised at the answer.