SEMIFINALISTS
Award Winning Angel by Larry Dodge, Dallas, TX
The Homecoming Dance by Lisa Simmons, Lewisville, TX
Crumbs by Dom Stasi, Willow Springs, IL
The Brothers by Sammie Lee Marler, Brunswick, GA
WINNERS
I will critique as I type. If a word or phrase is in parenthesis, remove and replace with my suggestion.
FIRST PLACE
AWARD-WINNING ANGEL by Larry Dodge
This song lends itself to the realities of today. I like the images and the rhyme pattern is unique by rhyming the first 3 lines and not the 4th. It has too many verses so I shortened it.
VERSE 1
Well, I was just comin' to when I heard her curse
Nothing too nasty, yeah, I've heard a lot worse
Just spicy language from a military nurse
When I looked up I saw five of her
VERSE 2
All ten of her hands had dropped my trays of meds
And a ward full of wounded all turned their heads
Another excuse to watch her from their beds
She was a (beauty to behold, for sure) real beauty to be sure
(Where the VA found her no one had a clue
But she renewed our faith in the red, white and blue)
Make the next 2 lines a PRE CHORUS
She had the face of an angel and a great body, too
There wasn't (much) any cure that she couldn't (cure) do
CHORUS
She was a ward-winning angel
Because of her we learned to pray
That when our bodies recovered
From the wounds we had suffered
She'd take us to heaven some day
I changed the chorus to this:
She was a ward-winning angel
And I really do feel
Her heavenly smile
Helped my wounds heal
She'd squeeze my hand saying"you'll be good as new"
The soldiers all loved her and she loved us, too
She was a ward-winning angel
VERSE 3
One day an officer came into our ward
In his dress uniform, complete with a sword
If she was an angel, then he was her lord
(But she didn't leave us in the cold) She introduced him to us all
I'd remove the next verse to shorten the song
(No, she introduced him to everyone there
He saw how we loved her but he didn't care
It was clear as diamonds that they were a pair
We weren't all that surprised, truth be told)
VERSE 4
Outside our windows a marching band played
To honor the sacrifice we men had made
She walked him outside, he rejoined the parade
Then our angel returned to the (fold) ward
REPEAT CHORUS
SECOND PLACE
THE HOMECOMING DANCE by Lisa Simmons
This is a sweet sentimental song but it's too long. I also thought the last verse jumped too many decades so I changed it in keeping with the theme. The verses are too long, try shortening to 6 lines.
VERSE 1
It's her first date
And the dress is just right
It'll be her first dance
Without daddy tonight
Little girls now young ladies
The boys seem like men
The pictures remind us
Of where the time went
CHORUS
It's the homecoming dance
Twirl around on the floor
Time goes so quickly
(We) They want so much more
(How can we hold on
To the time that we have)
How can they hold on
To their first romance
Keep this feeling forever
Of the homecoming dance
VERSE 2
He left last September
To fight for us all
They cried knowing their son
Would be born late that fall
Now it's a year later
And the time passed so slow
He can't wait to see them
And hold them both close
BRIDGE
This bridge is too long
(Time is so precious
With those that we love
Can we just stop the world from turning
Let's keep all the memories
We have in our minds
And when we get to the end
Just rewind)
Their Homecoming Photo
is hung in the hall
Bringing back memories
They love to recall
REPEAT CHORUS All the choruses should match
VERSE 3
(They were married forever
It seemed all their lives
She fell asleep first
He played out his time
The one quiet evening
As if it were planned
He slipped away softly
As he stretched out his hand)
Replace with this..much happier
It's their High School reunion
And they're on the gym floor
Twirling and dancing
To the music once more
Their love has lasted
Through the laughter and tears
Holding on to those memories
Throughout all the years
REPEAT CHORUS
THIRD PLACE
CRUMBS by Dom Stasi
I loved the title and the 1st verse but the 2nd verse wasn't as strong. The song's a little short so maybe you could add a 3rd verse. But a well written song.
VERSE
Rainy days are here at last
Them paychecks never disappeared so fast
Upside down in a house of cards
We're burning through the cash buried in the yards
PRE-CHORUS
Right down to the core, it's clear as day
Baseball, hot dogs, Chevrolet...
CHORUS
Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie
We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die
There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"
These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs
VERSE
Poorly managed, managed anger
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger
Still have my pride, and above all
Got faith, hope, and the greatest of 'em all
PRE-CHORUS
The bridge is out ahead, it's make or break
And all about the choices we make...
CHORUS
Everybody wants a piece of the proverbial pie
We all want a slice of heaven, yet we don't wanna die
There ain't enough filling for all the "Tom Thumbs"
These days it feels like I'm just scrapin' for crumbs
HONORABLE MENTION
THE BROTHERS by Sammie Lee Marler
I loved the story, all the rhyme patterns and the imagery...but to be a good song, it needs to have a chorus. Just add a couple of short, catch lines between every 2 verses. It could be a good folk song.
No comments:
Post a Comment