Fall 2009 Lyric Contest Winners

A HUGE THANKS to Nancy Rynders, who has been our Lyric Contest Director for the past few years.

FIRST PLACE

WHEN LAMBS BECOME LIONS by John Thomas Lane
This is a unique song but it is a little too long. I understood that lambs represented children and lions were soldiers and I thought it was a good hook and powerful song. I will critique as I type the lyrics.

VERSE 1
From bunker hill to the cradle waters
Heroes we know as our sons and daughters
Stand up and answer the call
Knowing one day they may make that wall (most people won't get this line. Better to say "could fall")

PRE-CHORUS (I think)
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

CHORUS
Chasing ghosts across broken land
On rolling seas and desert sand
Across angry skies and fields of ice
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions pay freedom's highest price
Heaven's gates will open wide (leave this line out)
And a chorus of angels lead them inside (leave this line out ..."Lions pay" line is more powerful)

VERSE 2
(I would leave this entire verse out. It is too poetic and vague)
Whispers remind us loud and clear
Of missions so far and yet so near
And the dove in her silent flight
Hold the olive branch in sight
(I would replace it with something like this)
The thunder of weapons makes a haunting sound
Echos of swift and terrible power
Smoke and fire drift across the ground
The cost of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 3
(I would also leave this verse out. The meters don't match and it adds nothing to the song)
But every mama knows
Rockets will paint the night
And every mama cries
When a blood red sky steals the light

PRE-CHORUS
Born in the heat of liberty's flame
Cut from the cloth with a sacred name
A backyard war stops being a game

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 4
(I already changed and used part of this verse for verse 2 or write a different verse)
Smoke drifts across hallowed ground
Echos of swift and terrible power
That's the haunting sound
Of freedom's finest hour

VERSE 5
(I would leave this verse out. Let them keep fighting...not die)
In a gentle rain shower
A bugler plays taps
Flags are folded in laps
Guns are still at last

TAG
(This is good)
And eagles spread their wings
Bells of freedom ring
A grateful nation cries
Honor, glory and sacrifice
Lions are freedom's highest price

(I'm not sure you need more lines)
And we sleep free at night
The land of the free tonight
We are free tonight
We are free (a lot of "frees")

When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions
When lambs become lions


SECOND PLACE

THE KNOCK by Charles David Risinger
(This is a cute country song)

VERSE 1
One of these days there'll be a knock on the door
When everybody wonders what went wrong
They're gonna find me and the (my) wife and kids
Have just (leave out just) left everything and gone

VERSE 2
The mailbox will be covered over with mail
And there'll be papers all over the drive
They're gonna think me and the family
Just disappeared or died

CHORUS
(The chorus is weak because it isn't realistic. Nobody goes without electricity or phones in today's day. Also, you need to use the song title somewhere in your chorus.)
We'll be living high on the hog
In a log cabin way up in the hills
Candles gonna light our home
Electric company won't be sending no more bills
There won't be no telephone
The only bell you'll hear
Will be around the neck of my milk cow, Bessie
Every time she's near
(My version)
We found a simpler life
Cut out all the frills
Built a log cabin
High in the hills
Bought some cows and chickens, too
Gonna eat the veggies that we grew
So don't come knocking on my door
'Cause we're not there anymore

VERSE 3
(You don't need this verse. They would have a clock)
We'll be livin' on a mountain top
Where shadows from the sun are the only clock
But it won't matter if it's day or night
On the river bank where the catfish bite

VERSE 4
( You have a different rhyme scheme in verse 3 & 4 than you do in verse 2 & 3. The rhyme scheme should be the same in all the verses)
Won't be any noise from the interstate
Just the subtle sound that a hoot owl makes
Won't be any rush hour stop and go
But we'll be walking bare footed down an old dirt road
(My version)
We don't miss the rushing of life's fast pace
Or the congested, noisy interstate
Sipping a cold one on our front porch
Listening for the sound a hoot owl makes

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

FROM A DISTANCE by Akin Akintola
This is a well written song with some very good lines. Don't know if the subject matter would be commercial but I'm sure many women could identify with this song. I do think you have too many verses..3 or 4 are enough plus a long chorus.