Concrete Cowboys by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Drops of Water On The Glass Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
Time Will Only Tell by Beth Scivally, Ovilla, Tx
What Was Left I Paid The Lawyers by Roger Russell, McKinney, Tx
WINNERS
FIRST PLACE
DSA President, Steve Sullivan, presents Roger Russell with a certificate and check for his winning song, "Concert Cowboys" .
CONCRETE COWBOYS
I'm assuming this is a song about city slickers looking for fun and ladies in country bars. I'll critique as I type the song.
VERSE
We'll put on our western suits
And shine up our cowboy boots
Drive around in my old truck
Trying to tempt old lady luck
Might round up a honey tonight
CHORUS
We are concrete cowboys
Driving my old pickup truck
Driving down the concrete trail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight
(there are no rhymes in this chorus.Perhaps something like this:
We are concrete cowboys
Driving down the concrete trail
Looking for fun and ladies
Sure not wanting to fail
Hoping we'll roundup a honey tonight)
VERSE
We go to the same old corral
Looking for a honky-tonk gal
Trying to cut one from the herd
Ov'r music try'n to be heard
Might rope us a honey tonight
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE
We show up night after night
Keeping the prize in our sight
Looking at the same old stock
Always watching that old clock
(A better line would be "While sipping our water and scotch")
Might lasso some honey tonight
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE
We'll make the same circle (rounds)
And saddle up to a table (Checking the place like smart bloodhounds)
Go for the eight second ride(Want to find a gal that's cool)
Take all the bruises in stride (Without acting like a fool)
Fall off (Might win us) a honey tonight
REPEAT CHORUS
SECOND PLACE
DROPS OF WATER ON THE GLASS
This song has potential but it's too long with too many verses. The writer needs to get to the heart of the
story.
VERSE
She met him when they were young
(And) fell in love at first sight
They had to be together
Not caring what was wrong or right
(this verse doesn't add to the story)
The day came when they were married
Promised until death they would depart
Would try to raise a family
Not knowing where they would start
(Instead give info that leads to the chorus like this.
(They married and had a son
Theirs was a loving familyhttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
But at eighteen he left home
To join the Army's infantry)
CHORUS
She sees drops of water falling
Running down the window glass
When she sees the car he's in
As his car begins to pass
Drops not of falling rain
But tears she can't restrain
(This chorus left me confused. Where was she when she saw his car pass? In another car? I'm guessing this was a funeral procession but it's not clear. Give us details and let the listeners feel her pain.
VERSE
(These next two verses aren't needed at all. They add nothing to the story)
Days turned to months and months into years
Times had changed but their loving still remained
Each day they grew together
Through problems where love was strained
They had a child though separate by time of war
They did the bet that they could do
To raise their child in a house of love
They were there for him through the years he grew
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE
The day fell upon them when their son would leave
Their son went to fight a war
A war where he would not return
They needed one another even more that they did before
(This verse is too wordy and not conversational. This is better
So their son went to fight a war (or in Iraq)
But he would not come back
He would get the purple heart
For bravery under attack)
(You don't need this next verse. End the song with the chorus)
Life had blessed them with other children to love
The others never replaced their son
But they loved them as they did
They were still a family, even minus one
(I chose this song only because of the story and it's potential. But this writer need to write more conversationally and with better imagery. Meters need to match and if she or he wants to improve, join a songwriting organization, go to seminars and read a book on lyric writing)
THIRD PLACE
TIME WILL ONLY TELL
(Thousands of songs have been written on this same subject. To make a song stand out, you have to put a new spin on it. This song is pretty generic. I will critique as I type the song)
VERSE
There is a reason (On that spring day) I met you
You brought a smile instantly(leave out instantly) to my face
I fell in love with you so quickly
I knew everything was going to be okay
(I knew this love would not erase)
(Where are the rhymes?)
You said you'd take care of me (care for me) forever
With all the love in your heart
I believed in you so much, baby
(And I believed you spoke the truth)
So I thought we'd never part (Pretty cliche)
CHORUS
Time will only tell, baby
If we have another chance
Time will only tell
If God changes the circumstances
Time will only tell
If you'll call me your baby...
again
VERSE
My heart hurts now more than ever
My eyes burn up with tears
I thought we would be together
For the rest of all our years
(Don't need this next verse)
Being apart is so hard
But I will try to be strong
I want more than anything
To be held again in your arms
REPEAT CHORUS
BRIDGE
For now I hold on to hope
That we will be alright
And our paths will cross again
And we'll dance into the night
REPEAT CHORUS
TAG
For now I'll hold on to hope
And we'll dance into the night
HONORABLE MENTION
WHAT WAS LEFT I PAID THE LAWYERS
This could be a really cute song but it is much too long and wordy. Keep your sentences shorter in the verses and get to a clever chorus. The chorus could be better such as:
Our emotions ran the course
We paid the price of divorce
I got the bills, she got the rest
I paid the lawyers with what was left-
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