SEMIFINALISTS
I Threw It Away by Matt Abell, Stroudsburg, PA
Music Carry Me by Donna Lisa, Westfield, NJ
Katrina by Mark Crisp, Arroyo Grande, CA
Whiskey Wins by Donna Scoggins, Dallas, Tx
WINNERS
First Place...I Threw It Away
I will critique as I type.
I THREW IT AWAY © Matt Abell
VERSE
I dragged the box out to the trash
And struggled with the weight
The memories, they didn't last
But took up so much space
So many silly souvenirs
I see them now and cry
I held onto them all these years
But can't remember why
CHORUS
I threw my heart away today
It lay there next to yesterday's
Sour milk and spoiled eggs (meat)
There was nothing left in it (to keep)
So I threw it away
VERSE
The figurine that fell and cracked
The broken vase you gave
I tried to glue the pieces back
But they never fit the same
(b etter verse)
The figurine that fell and broke
My favorite one from you
But like my heart it wouldn't mend
No matter how much glue
/"We faded like these photographs
Tarnished like this ring
The shine wore off, so did the laughs (love)
So impercepitibly (The heartache it would bring)
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE
You used to be so dear to me
But love is strange like that (But love can change so fast)
In time it changes everything (Sometimes it's really hard to see
And (When) treasure turns to trash
REPEAT CHORUS
Second Place...Music Carry Me
MUSIC CARRY ME © Donna Lisa
VERSE
(Remove words in brackets)
You gave me two children, (you) gave me your love
At least I thought you did
But you were (just) taking me for a (slow) ride
And keeping you motives (well) hid
You took my money and most of my pride
The kids begged "Daddy stay"
You took almost all that I had (But I've still got one thing left)
That you can't take away
CHORUS (chorus needs to be the same throughout the song. Your chorus is too long
Music carry me through
I'm a sad and broken old friend
Music carry me through
Help me get back on my feet again
You sang a ballad llike nobody else
Sang it soft and low
Add (When you were part of my musical show)
(Leave these next lines out)
Beautiful lady, I asked you to join me and sing in my musical show
I'd been traveling and singing for years
While you were fresh and new
You turned to me for advice and each night
I grew closer and closer to you
VERSE
I kn ow people laughed when we (first) said our vows
"He's much too old for her"
But nobody dared to say straight to my face (But no one said nary a word)
"Hey, she's after you money, (for sure) sir
(Besides) I don't pay mind to gossip (and talk), I do just what I feel( Shorten this line)
( Your love had just consummed me
And knocked me on my heels
But for you, it wasn't real)
REPEAT CHORUS
VERSE
It's been years (months) since you left (me) for good
I heard you sing last night
(Sat in the first row and) Watched the audience whistled and cheer (with delight)
I caught your eye for a moment or two (You were doing everything right)
Your smile was flushed (perfect) and sweet
Then your head turned and you smiled the same way (But I've seen that look many times)
At a man sitting right next to me (It's just another repeat)
(Chock full of loving deceit)
REPEAT CHORUS
Third Place...Katrina © Mark Crisp
Good imagery in this song but you had no rhyme pattern. You need to rhyme either the 1st & 3rd lines or the 2nd & 4th lines. Also make sure your meters match in each of the verses.
Since this is the 5th anniversary of that terrible storm, improve the song and put it on you tube.
Honorable Mention....Whiskey Wins © Donna Scoggins
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