SuMMER 2010 WINNERS

I will critique as I type. Words in brackets should be removed and I might substitute other words or lines.

FIRST PLACE

BLUE CRAYONS WRITE THE BEST by Mario Spinosa

This is a clever title and sentiment but I was disappointed when I got to the chorus and read the line "it's not where I belong". You need to make this soldier strong, proud and patriotic for the message to resonate with an audience. You also have too many "ands" in your song

VERSE 1

The card said (season's greetings)"how I miss you" and the picture was of them

Little Jimmy smiling with my wife (holding) next to him

On the bottom of the card was a note there just for me

It was printed in blue crayon (with) though the words were hard to read

CHORUS

It said, I love you, daddy, even though you're far away

I hope that you'll come home soon and (I wish) this time that you'll stay

I learned to write since you've been gone, mom is helping me with this

And I hope you like the color, blue crayons write the best

VERSE 2

This war has taken me away (and), I've been gone (for much) far too long

A soldier's life is what I chose, (but it's not where I belong) my commitment is still strong

My eyes began to fill with tears (and), a lump rose in my throat

As I read again the crayon words my little Jimmy wrote

REPEAT CHORUS

VERSE 3

I know he's growing up too fast, (and) I wish that I was there

(And the life I always dreamed of is not the life I'm living here)

So just stand tall and wait for me and say a little prayer

Then (so) I bought myself some crayons, (and) I knew which one to use

(And) I wrote a letter back to him in crayon colored blue

CHORUS

I said "I love you, Jimmy, even though I'm far away

I'll be coming home soon and this time (you know I'll) I'm gonna stay

You learned to write since I've been gone (and I thank your mom for this)and I am so impressed

And yes, I like the color...blue crayons write the best"

SECOND PLACE

NOW SON, TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY by Melina Barnett

This is a sweet song that most people can identify with...but your verses are 7 lines long and most verses are 4, 6 or 8 lines. I think you need to shorten the verses.

VERSE 1

Need to share just how I feel

Put it in a song ...make it real

Want the tears to wash over me

With memories of how things used to be

Don't want to (listen to) hear what strangers say

It's still too soon

Please let me hide away

PRE CHORUS

Want to thank him for the time he gave me

The arms he offered when all else failed me

I'm angry and (feel) know it's all too late

Just feel like the dream is dead

(There are no rhymes in this pre-chorus)

CHORUS

Just feel like the dream is dead

Thoughts spinning round my head

Want to stop the world and walk away

Back to him and hear him say

Now Son,

Tomorrow is another day

VERSE 2

Need to (look at his picture) read the letters that he kept (picture didn't rhyme)

(And where he always slept) Touch the bed where he slept

His soft voice (like a song) rewinds in my head

(Need to smell his hair, touch his hand) I still can't believe that he is dead

(Laugh at life as we share our plans) Sit and talk by the old fireplace

Oh, (want) to be a kid again

Count the lines (round) on his face

REPEAT CHORUS

BRIDGE

If I can fill his shoes, I'd walk with pride

As my father stepped through life with God on his side

I need some space so let me be

(Because) When my father died

Something died in me

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

FLY FREE by Butch Schindel

Even though it's a sad song, it is well written and your meters match well. Verse 4 should be a bridge.

Good song!

HONORABLE MENTION

ZEKE by Ron Walthall

This is a very original song and well crafted. I think I would expand the chorus to several lines such as "Zeke is a preacher man and he'll tell you about God's plan"