Winners of the 2012 Fall Lyric Contest

Semifinalists

ON THE FRONT STEPS OF A CHURCH by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS by Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

LITTLE PIECES  by John Thomas Lane, Monument, Co

 SAY 'WHEN' by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

Winners

As I type I will put in parenthesis words or phrases that I remove and type in my suggestions.

FIRST PLACE

ON THE FRONT STEPS OF A CHURCH ©2012 Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

I liked the originality of this song but I wondered if it would be better if written in third person. Obviously, if you do that you'll have to change all the I's to He's.

VERSE 1

On the front steps of a Church, they came to christen me

And gave me the name of the man I had to be

It doesn't really matter much, a name is just a word

And for the rest of my life, I became the name I heard

(If you change to 3rd person)

On the front steps of a Church, the christening party stood

And gave him the name to carry through manhood

It doesn't really matter much, a name is just a word

And for the rest of his life, he became the name he heard

VERSE 2

On the front steps of a Church, I held my newfound wife

I was feeling like a baby on the first day of my life

Everyone was (cheering) smiling, there was excitement (all around) in the air

She whispered in my ear, (but I couldn't hear a sound) we've got lots of love to share

VERSE 3

I would consolidate verse 3 & 4as you don't need that many verses

(On the front steps of a Church, I would smile every Sunday

And never miss a Mass or remember one on Monday)

On the front steps of a Church, I started Catholic school

The nuns were teaching discipline, I was acting like a fool

I listened to the sermons and took my time to pray

And hoped there was a Heaven as the years all sped away

Here's where I would add a Bridge sorta like this

Now I'm in my waning years, but my memories are clear

My life has been so full and death I will not fear

CHORUS

On the front steps of a Church, lying silent in my box

My sunny days are over now, no ticking on my clock

The moment of truth is here, I'll see what life was worth

I'm right back where I started, on the front steps of a Church

REPEAT CHORUS

SECOND PLACE

A KISS THAT NEVER ENDS ©2012 Bill Kapac, Williamstown, NJ

This has a catchy title and is very well written. Sometimes I added a word to make meters match.

VERSE 1

Every time I look at you, I fall in love again

I'll always be your lover, always your best friend

Whenever I'm away from you, I count each moment then

Waiting for your (hungry) lips, with a kiss that never ends

VERSE 2

When you're in my arms, holding (you) each other so tight

I feel warm inside and everything's alright

What we have is (oh so) real, true love (just) can't pretend

The love I (have) feel for you is a kiss that never ends

CHORUS

A kiss that never ends, a lover for all time

I have all I need as long as you're mine

If the times get rough, there's nothing we can't mend

Our life together is a kiss that never ends

VERSE 3

Such a peaceful feeling surrounds the way we live

Sharing (what) who we are, (yet) taking time to give

I hold your loving body, feel the message that it sends

You still drive me crazy with a kiss that never ends

REPEAT CHORUS

THIRD PLACE

I usually don't critique the 3rd place winner but I liked his title and idea.  Unfortunately, the song was way too long with too many verses so it was easier for me to just rewrite the song. I tried to use your ideas and phrasing, not mine.

LITTLE PIECES ©2012 John Thomas Lane, Monument, Co

VERSE 1

You asked me to walk you down the aisle

Giving me your wonderful "hello friend" smile

It doesn't take a fortune teller to know you're in love

Or a mind reader to see...just not in love with me

VERSE 2

When he slips the ring on your finger

I'll concentrate on the wedding singer

Then I'll hug your mama, listen to her praise Jesus

But I won't tell a soul that my heart's in little pieces

CHORUS

So I'll play my usual part

I'll smile, I'll laugh, say witty things

Lift up my glass, toast you with champagne

To health and happiness that never ceases

But my heart night now is in little pieces

VERSE 3

I have a secret I'll never reveal

It's about you and love and the way I feel

I was hoping against hope that maybe someday

I would grow old with you...not give you away

REPEAT CHORUS

HONORABLE MENTION

SAY 'WHEN' by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

This writer is a good lyricist with good imagery but there are too many verses and 4 different choruses.  The chorus always needs to be the same to be memorable. Your chorus has 8 lines and 4 should be enough.  I* liked your first chorus the best but end it with"he'll never say "when". Try keeping your songs simple, leaving out the philosophy, and you'll create a better and more memorable song.

GOOD TITLES by Katherine Knecht, Citrus Heights, CA

FOUR WAY STOP -  good Idea, cleaver lyrics, this songs needs a chorus with the catchy title.

 WHITE RIVER'S CHOKING - good metaphor 

MACKEREL SKY - another wonderful metaphor